Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Movember Rain

For those of you that took Guns 'N Roses as the first title pun I'd ever use, please collect your 45,000,000 to 1 winnings.  Anyway, if you can't tell yet, I am participating in Movember this year.  For those living under a Mexican work boot, Movember is where a bunch of dudes, and that one lady from the circus, get together, shave their faces, and then grow some really bitching upper lip fuzz for an entire month all in the name of prostate cancer awareness/research.  In joining this wonderful cause, I've banded together with some Dallas Stars fans in an effort to make sure everyone hear's our message (NOTE: It is unwise to treat this like the penis game.  Yelling "prostate awareness" louder and louder isn't nearly as amusing.).  That being said, here's a nifty link that I've been provided with so make sure you click on it and give me half of your life savings or something.  Worst case scenario just take your mom or dad's credit card and fork over what you can, I'm not greedy (I just want to beat everyone else).

However, if that wasn't a convincing enough reason to donate, then I guess I will be forced to give you the top ten-ish reasons that you should sponsor me for Movember:

10)  It's tax deductible and everyone likes paying less taxes.
9)  The more you give, the more it grows...that's what she said?
8)  There's a really good chance that despite Crosby's head start, I can still grow something better than him by the end of day 2.
7)  If someone donates an insane amount of money, I might let them pick out which type of mustache I grow
6)  It's better to spend your money on the sponsorship than on the December 1st "Movember Souvenoir Hairs" auction that will take place on eBay.
5)  By donating you can at least feel quasi better about using the joke "I mustache you a question" all month long.
4)  I'd donate to your cause if it involved public humilation.
3)  Despite the name, it really has nothing to do with a crazy month long Mike Modano orgy...swearsies!
2)  I am willing to send a special mystery thank you gift to the top donation under my name. It might be homemade edible goodies, it might be some autographed memorabilia, it might be the unclaimed eBay mustache trimmings, YOU NEVER KNOW WITH THE MYSTERY PRIZE!
1)  Seriously people, it's for cancer research, help fix the world.

Thanks again for all the support...and laughter.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and DONATIONS!, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work? 

Monday, September 5, 2011

You Know You're a Stars Fan If...

Well folks it's been a while.  You see, here at Discard What You Don't Need we (and by "we" I mean "me," but it sounds more impressive if I have staff) went out and found important things to do during the day instead of pretending to work all the while surfing Twitter on our phones and playing Words With Friends non-stop.  Yes sir, now there are important tasks at hand like peddling chicken and pork snouts.  Suck on that old job at the Coconut Tree.

Now this also means that I'm not around during the day anymore to enrich everyone's life with snarky comments about the NHL and specifically the Dallas Stars.  So I'm going to just spill my thoughts here now without a fear of 140 character restrictions.  And yes, it means I'm getting to this before the NHL does, feel free to launch your "premature" jokes all you want, but I'm having my lawyers come after you when you steal one of my jokes because no one should be subjected to this type of unfunny humor more than once.  So without further ado, you know you're a Stars fan if...

- ...you remember a time when Stars vs Oilers wasn't a lottery ball competition, but rather a playoff series given.
- ...the torturous death you have planned for Tom Hicks makes the revenge kill scene in Law Abiding Citizen look like a relaxing day in the spa in comparison.
- ...you've ever cracked a joke offering someone a billion dollars.
- ...you know what a Woywitka is, but wish you didn't.
- ...you're going to name all your children either Jamie or Benn regardless of their sex.
- ...Martin Skoula (no really, that's the entire joke).
- ...you can't hear all the crying regarding an alleged foot in a crease because it's being drowned out by Queen's "We Are The Champions." (Seriously though people, it was, but we don't care, and they sure as hell wouldn't have won the next game in Dallas is they won that OT game)
- ...you're glad football season goes on during hockey season since it not only takes traffic away from Dallas, but it also means Jean-Jacques Taylor isn't going to write a single column about them until at least January or February.
- ...you not only know there is a Fox Sports Plus, but have the channel number memorized for your cable provider.
- ...the only reason you can laugh at the Patrik Stefan gaff is because you remember that we actually won that game in the SO.
- ...you wish the Ambassador of Fun stuck to that job instead of signing douchebags to deals we may or may not still be paying for.
- ...you know his name is Brian, not Darren you moron.
- ...you're terrified of the Ribiero/Ryder reunion because you have Turgeon/Young flashbacks.
- ...you remember a time before Dan Ellis was a self absorbed money mongering ass and was just a back-up goalie.  Oh...well, at least if you can remember that first part.
- ...you celebrate Cinco de Morrow.
- ...you knew Sergei Zubov was an insanely talented hockey player not just because of what he did on the ice, but because he was a pack-a-day cigarette fiend.
- ...you received your complimentary Jeremy Roenick jaw fragment courtesy of Derian Hatcher.
- ...you know the most beautiful hip checks ever seen did not come from Rob Blake, but rather Craig Ludwig.
- ...you never cared if Darryl Sydor played decent hockey in his second and third stints with the team because you knew his level of dedication after the 2000 Stanley Cup Finals.
- ...you would have traded Matt Niskanen for the opportunity to be subjected to the ebola virus and still felt like you got the better end of the deal...by far.
- ...you wanted Marc Crawford fired...like 5 minutes after he was hired.
- ...you remember how amazing Reunion Arena was compared to the acoustical shit show that is the American Airlines Center.
- ...you would have gone on a murderous rampage had Johnathan Cheechoo actually made the team in 2010.
- ...you've ever had heart palpitations when Marty Turco went to play a puck.
- ...you still giggle that we once employed a guy named Tugnutt (perhaps my friends only).
- ...you're pissed that I haven't mentioned Richard Matvichuk, Neal Broten, Mark Tinordi, Andy Moog, Mike Keane, Jere Lehtinen, Joe Nieuwendyk, Bill Guerin, Kirk Muller, Brad Richards, Aaron Downey's fists of awesomeness, or Mike Modano among other former players, but truth is none of them did funny things.
- ...you DON'T own a Mooterus jersey.  Those things are just horrible and no real fan would have ever purchased one.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and cell phone reminders so I can start posting again, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work? 

Saturday, April 9, 2011

And This Is What It's Come To...

Dearest Red Wings,

Do you mind if I call you Wingies?  I want to ensure you're really comfy and satisfied with that.  What about Wings McKings?  That connotates royalty and thus rich and prosperous things.  Ok, Wingies it is.  Have I mentioned I've had a cocktail or two?  Ya.  Let's start this over fresh, since technically that's what this is all about: starting over.

Dearest Wingies,

Have I mentioned how handsome and amazing y'all are?  Cause it's true.

Let's start by just putting our past differences behind us.  Those "Die in a fire" threats and "Dead Things" comments, I didn't mean any of those.  I was just joshing!  You know, like how Dustin Brown pretends he gets shot by a bullet whenever someone skates near him, it was all acting.  But ya, I never meant a word of those things.  Swearsies.  I mean you do have Mike Modano playing for you.  That's like the most favoritest Dallas Star in the entire world, thus A+++++, would cheer for again.

Can I get y'all some slippers and a newspaper?  Just an idea.  I mean if you need anything you just let me know.

Speaking of anything: remember when everyone in the world hated Todd Bertuzzi and I was the only moron that was willing to defend him in the sense that while I did not condone what he did, it was irresponsibility on both team's coaches as well as the refs part for what happened?  Ya...you should probably reward me for that very high profile backing.  I'm pretty sure I got a +1 on some forum boards for one of the comments I made.  That's high quality praise right there Wingies.

Anyway, enough flattery from me, I'm sure you get that from all the beautiful women that flock to your games as well as adoring fans.  I thought that maybe, just maybe you might want to help out someone as wonderful and supportive of your organization as myself.  How can you do this?  It's really simple: rip the entrails from the lifeless bodies of the Blackhawks on Sunday...I mean, please beat them in regulation.

Huh?  You'd rather have them play the Canucks instead of us?  Well what if I gave you a cookie as an enticement?  It'll be a good one too, not something plain Jane like sugar.  Oh no, we're talking something super delicious and exotic that would match your history.  I'm thinking Chocolate octopus chunk cookies.  Doesn't that sound yummy?

Close enough, right?

Just in case that amazing concoction doesn't sound appealing, I have taken the liberty of making a list of reasons why you would, nay!, should want to beat the Blackhawks:
-  They just beat you 4-2.  How disrespectful!
-  Pretty sure the Bowman's hi-jacked my twitter account and said a lot of nasty things about you over the past year.  Those jerks.
-  Mike Modano secretly still loves us...right?  No?  Oh.
-  Mike Modano would prefer to go through us in the playoffs after we defeat the Canucks for you.  Isn't that better?
-  Do you really want that punk ass bitch Marian Hossa to have a chance at the playoffs again?  After the shaft he gave you?
-  Because I'm writing you the most terrifical awesomest love letter ever, duh.

I hope all these reasons were super compelling and that you will take my suggestion seriously.

Much love,
Seriously though kill the Blackhawks for me,

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and disinfectant so that I may cleanse myself after this post, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work? 

Monday, April 4, 2011

Just Call Me Champion

When I set out to begin this hockey season I had a few objectives in mind (seriously, if I used the word "goals" I was going to have to punch myself in the nuts and serve a life sentence in pun jail):

-Write about the atrocity that is the Dallas Stars defense (special thank yous to Jeff Woywitka and Matt Niskanen for making that a slam dunk)
-Write about my hatred of Tom Hicks (it seems with everything coming out lately that others have done more than I ever could have put on paper)
-Make at least two people laugh while reading a post...well...giggle...or at least smirk a little bit
-Win some fantasy hockey leagues

Yes, win some fantasy hockey leagues.  Welcome my readers, I am a stat nerd.  I usually get to the championship game in all my football leagues (we're just going to ignore this past season, like next year's, it doesn't exist) mainly because I don't look at player's names or what team they play for, I pick people based on historical statistical production.  In hockey I find myself at a disadvantage because I have certain rules like never being allowed to draft a Red Wings player.  Two years ago I gave that rule up realizing it was costing me dearly, and now look at me.

The sweetest Hat Trick ever

Yep, that's not one, not two, but three blowout victories in the finals.  I am what Darcy Tucker was to Sami Kapanen: an absolute knock out.  Ladies, I know you wish to send me your now moistened underwear, but please, I can only receive so many packages in the mail before the mailman gets suspicious and starts asking unnecessary questions.

I'd like to thank everyone foolish enough for inviting me to be a part of their league.  I hope that next season you dedicate the password naming rights to yours truly.  It's gonna be simple, it's going to be epic, it's going to be "WoywitkaBlowsAss."  Well that, or I expect three nice pretty trophies to show up at work tomorrow with my name engraved on them.

Special thanks again to everyone who made "Benn There Done That," "A Flock of Segals," and "Niskanen Fodder" what they are today.  And for the record, no I did not trade Brad Richards.  Morons.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and digital trophies, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work? 

Monday, March 21, 2011

Straight Edge 101 - A Dedication to Down Goes Spezza

Well the Birthday Vacation week of Dallas Stars hockey didn't exactly pan out how I had hoped.  Of the three games I was able to attend, the Stars had an abysmal record of 0-2-1, while the one game that I had an opportunity to go to, but decided against it was a 5-0 drubbing against the Hawks and, eventually, Marty Turco.  This also means that my bet with Matt of Down Goes Spezza on the Flyers game has resulted in me telling all of you about why you should choose the Straight Edge lifestyle.  Ya, it's like making Charlton Heston give you a speech on why guns are evil, but here I sit having to come up with a minimum of 500 words to inspire y'all to give up smoking and drugs and alcohol *cringe.*  Hell, I even learned today that really hardcore followers (read: their screen names have a LOT of xXx's in them) give up sex and go to a vegetarian diet.  Well here's the thing, I can't put those words in type.  I can't.  I'm sorry.  But I suppose if I spoke them, then that wouldn't really be breaking the rules, now would it...

Cue the "Damn it Jason!" from Matt.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and non-alcoholic beverage recipes, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

We've Got Podcasts, We've Got Podcasts, We've Got Lots and Lots of Podcasts. Podcastssssssssss...

For those still paying attention to me and my few and far between ramblings and humor pieces, you may or may not have noticed I've slowly been popping up in areas you'd never expect.  You know, somewhat similar to that rash that has been spreading across your body ever since you paid that Tiajuana hooker for a night you'd never forget, well at least you got a lovely take home prize.  As you recall, aside from a guest Man Crush of The Week contribution I've appeared on the now defunct Patrick Kane's Loose Change podcast.  Then there was my high point in appearing on the only podcast to befriend people who obviously have no taste and dislike half off corndog promotions, Up The Pucks.  Then last night Down Goes Spezza made the egregious mistake of allowing me to join him to discuss the upcoming Stars/Flyers game on Saturday, the insane landscape of the Western Conference, and my somehow defending of the NJ Devils in terms of them making the playoffs.  Hint: It stems from the fact that Flyers fans hate them and I'd consumed 3 martinis prior to the conversation.  Link to this podcast to be included once DGS stops bawling his eyes out over the latest Chris Pronger injury and gets around to clicking "upload."  It's difficult people, I know.

Now then, since I feel bad that I've merely sat here and whored myself out to y'all, I feel I owe you at least a shred of humor.  Thus, I am going to attach a previously unreleased complaint e-mail that I wrote to the broadcasters of Up The Pucks due to the relatively tame and rather boring nature of my appearance on their show...oh ya, and the fact that I almost died thanks to a horrible idea of a drinking game that occurred simultaneously while the podcast was being recorded:

Dear Gentlemen of Up The Pucks,

You may recall that recently (read: last week) I was the special guest co-host on your esteemed and highly regarded podcast.  First of all, I would like to thank you for such a generous offer.  It was an absolute pleasure chatting with you both and one day I hope I am able to be a guest again.  However, I wish to briefly address a serious issue that has become evident in listening to the episode.  That is namely, that Johnnie Walker did not respond to my request to furnish me with a nice shiny royalty check.  While I'm sure it's probably one giant misunderstanding in which their payroll department is lagging by a couple days, the consequences of them forcing their delicious blended scotchy goodness down my throat led to many unfortunately consequences of which I would like to share with you right now:

1)  Memory Loss - It obviously led me to forget how terrible Andrew Raycroft and the Dallas defense were since a good 5 minutes of the show was not devoted to jokes solely made about them.
2)  Altered Mood - In addition to my lack of previously mentioned jokes, their libation changed me from the fun loving, jovial, NHLOL creating person that you and your listeners know and love into a serious and apparently touching Jere Lehtinen tribute speaker.
3)  Lack of Proper Voice Function - As it was pointed out to me, multiple people thought I was unable to spell my own twitter name.  Namely spelling the "Jason" portion as J-s-o-n.  Upon further review from myself and the Toronto War Room, not only was the Brett Hull goal 100% good, but also the "A" got lost in my quick speaking.
4)  Midget Strippers - No, I did get down with midget strippers, but that is exactly the problem.  If I am drinking such a classy concoction as Johnnie Walker scotch, I expect midget strippers to find ME...even if I am sitting at home recording a podcast.
5)  Lack of Product Diversity/Customer Knowledge - I'm sorry, but these distillers should realize that stupid promises will be made such as drinking anytime Matt from Down Goes Spezza mentions Chris Pronger and his marshmallowy gentle elbows to the head.  Due to such actions, they should also create a much lower proof spirit in order to not cause permanent liver damage as well as loss of important brain cells such as those needed to recall that the New York Islanders are actually an NHL, and not an AHL, level team.

In closing, I would like to point out that these five egregious results will make me remove them as my sponsor, and I will instead move along to a brand that truly understands my expectations moving forward (read: getting paid).  Thank you again gentlemen and best of luck with your show this evening.

Jason with an "A" 

So ya, with that I leave you wishes for a fantastic St. Patrick's Day Official Jason Emerged From The Womb Day.  May all your crappy domestic beer be green and your drunken hook-ups be STD free.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and spare livers (I'll need them after today), or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?

Monday, January 31, 2011

NHLOL Special All-Star Game Edition

It seems that Team Lou-Rad did in fact beat out Team Sentiment in today's contest of no defense and lazy passes.  Though it was much closer than my predicted score of 46-0, it was still an excellent victory in my opinion despite being tainted at the end by a horrific MVP selection.  Mental note to the NHL: Next time you have fans elect players to the All-Star game and they only select them from 2 teams, don't let those same fans vote for the MVP.  I'm actually stunned Crosby didn't somehow win in a landslide write-in vote.  Anyway, I have deprived all of you long enough, I'm coming back at you with a special NHL All-Star Edition of NHLOL.  Sit back, relax, enjoy, giggle, throw $100 bills at me, etc.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and $100 bills (I was serious yo), or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?

Thursday, January 20, 2011

An Apology to Kari Lehtonen

And I'm back.  I think it's safe to peak out from behind the bullet proof glass and steel reinforced doors.  Do y'all realize I haven't posted anything since 2010?  That's last year everyone!  *cue groans since everyone thought that joke wouldn't be used past the first week of 2011*  Seriously though, it's been a rough one lately.  After my last post, an open letter to Kari Lehtonen, I had to be admitted into the witness protection program.  Turns out the new slogan for Discard What you Don't Need should be "Pissing off Finnish people since December 12th, 2010."  Never before have I spurned so much hate and anguish from an obviously sarcastic and tongue-in-cheek piece of humor in my life.  For those unaware of what I speak of, I advise you to check the comments section of the linked post.  I also suggest bringing an accompanying hammer with you so as to smash your toes one by one in an effort to lessen the pain, via distraction, of reading such horrible rebuttals to my comments.  So with that, I'd actually like to apologize to Mr. Lehtonen as requested by Mr. Anonymous if I may:

Dear Kari,

I'm extremely sorry for everything I wrote that may have damaged your psyche in my previous blog post.  I now realize why it is that you continuously take games off in the NHL.  I know I know, you claim they are injuries, and I would too knowing what I now know.  You come from a place full of stalking psychotic insane people.  I mean who else would search Twitter for your name specifically, and then continuously demand apologies to you?  Not only that, but get offended that I apparently didn't even insult you harshly enough.  Don't worry, next time I decide to go after you, I'll be sure to consult some of the best and most experienced assholes on the face of the planet.  But good golly Miss Molly, if I got that kind of backlash from a simple letter, I can only imagine what kind of phone calls, voicemails, texts, e-mails, and etchings burnt into your lawn you receive on a daily basis.  Not to mention that apparently I insulted your native language and how difficult it is.  My bad?  I mean I did take 6 years of Japanese where they have three different alphabets.  Fucking three!  That's a plethora of alphabets, a hat trick even.  Sorry that I dare insult the fact that you learned English as a second language.  Did I mention I know Mandarin, Spanish, Hebrew, and some Italian too?  Oh that's beside the point.  We aren't talking about me, but rather you and your extremely difficult task of learning a second language.  Phew.  Glad you did otherwise I wouldn't get such gems as "I can't handle 10 games in two weeks, or whatever it would be.”  Sorry to make you try some mental math there chief, that's always a doozy for any pro athlete.

Oh, and FYI, I don't expect a response.  I know you're a little tied up avoiding your own countrymen.  Don't worry though, I'll have more NHLOL for you back on it's regular schedule.  I know what motivates you.



As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and fun creative names other than Anonymous, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?