Sunday, December 12, 2010

An Open Letter - Kari Lehtonen

Dear Kari,

     First off, by Kari, I mean you Mr. Lehtonen.  As much as I'd love to be writing a letter to Kari Byron, I don't think the restraining order allows for such things.  Now that we've established that you have to pay attention, let's get down to business shall we?  I'm going to be direct and decisive here and hope that your grasp on the English language allows you to follow along: STOP GETTING FUCKING HURT!  You see, I applaud you for not shredding your groin into 12 strands of spaghetti each week liek you did in Atlanta, so I suppose that is a great improvement.  Sadly, the fact remains that you keep tweaking portions of your back and these tweaks have me greatly concerned.  As much as I love watching Andrew Raycroft flop to the ice merely minutes before the puck is actually shot at him in order to make a valiant attempt at a save, I'd much rather have someone in net that has more poise and promise than a Vesa Toskala-in-training.  True, Mr. Raycroft has received more goaltending hardware than you, but that was also back in the days when players had to get off season jobs to pay the bills and every retard athlete received some sort of trophy for participation so that they did not feel left out.

Yes Andrew, you actually let in that many.

     I know you didn't think it was a huge deal when you decided a little extra rest might do your body good (Trademark - US cow milkers).  I mean at the time Raycroft was one of the hottest backups in the NHL.  He shutout the Sabres, he beat the best team in the NHL, and he had another win or honorary mention at making super easy glove saves look like ESPN Top 10 worthy material or something like that thrown in there.  Unfortunately, that's when Raycroft suddenly snapped back to reality, much like many wrist shots were snapped by his prone body into the back of the net.  I think we both now realize that the current fan/goaltender relationship just isn't going to work.  So I need you to say your prayers and take your vitamins so you can be 100% and soon.

     In conclusion, get better so that one day I might go on a well respected podcast and man crush all over you, like I did to the guy whose name is spelled eerily similar to yours, the day that you retire.


P.S.  Seriously, go visit the podcast link.  I said like two nice things about you.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and future letter recipients, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?

Sunday, December 5, 2010

NHLOL 11/27-12/4

Well I guess it's that time again where I slack off and don't post until late night.  On a positive note, I got to attend the Stars/Capitals game on Thursday.  Great game.  I won't bore you with details, but Ovechkin managed to embarrass himself and then was the key contributor in the disallowed goal in the waning seconds of regular.  Good job sir.  Sadly, your horrible play is only making the force grow stronger in Sidney Crosby this year.  You should probably do something about that, you know, like score some goals or something.  Maybe that Stamkos guy will be reunited with St Louis and he'll be able to score goals again.  Oh, and since it is a Stars blog and I've been very bad about general blogs lately, have no fear, Matt Niskanen is still the kind of horrific turnovers that lead to breakaways and/or goals.  Keep up the good work Matty.  Oh ya, and then, there's an impressionable young Brad Richards:

Cause who wouldn't want to be like Alexandre Daigle?

And on that note, here we go with some more chuckles for the week:

AP and other images via Yahoo! and ESPN/Getty Images.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and other Brad Richards sentimental pictures or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Shame on...

So it seems lately I've been so focused on the good ole NHLOL posts, that I haven't given y'all a dose of what you used to come for: hardcore pornography humorous writing.  To be honest, it's much easier to do a little work each night, than sit down and try to crank out a blog, particularly with how chaotic life has been.  Thankfully for you, inspiration struck me at work, so here we go with another sentence starting scenario (sorry, I just wanted some alliteration for a second).

Shame on __________:

...Antti Niemi for tricking people into thinking he might actually be a decent goaltender after one night against the Blackhawks.
...Tim Thomas for hoping to pull a Halak in the playoffs, only to never get the opportunity, so he decided to play like a man possessed in the regular season instead.
...anyone who tried to say that Kari Lehtonen would snap something in his groin similar to the Thanksgiving day wishbone.
...the sports media for wanting to award the New Jersey Devils a Stanley Cup opportunity.  You are awarded no points, and may you be punished to only watch their hockey games for the rest of the season.
...those same sports media people for thinking that the New York Islanders might finally be good after accumulating approximately 28 1st round picks over the past five years.
...Charles Wang for firing a head coach who did better than anyone expected them too despite losing their top defenseman and second best forward before the season ever started.  (Ed note: He should have fired whoever was in charge of the practice that they both got injured in.  That guy is an idiot.)
...anyone who reads Down Goes Brown and didn't realize that "he knows what he did" would become reality just a few days later.
...anyone that doubted my theory on Bettman ordering teams to score 8 goals a game in order to prolong ESPN highlights.  ESPN spent almost 2 minutes with counters on the Tampa Bay/Philadelphia Flyers game.
...Rick DiPietro for sucking like no tomorrow the one time he actually is able to remain healthy for a period of longer than seven seconds.
...the 625 fantasy owners that gave up on Brian Elliott, unlike myself who kept him on my team and appreciated his kind return of a shutout today.
...(on a similar topic) Pierre Gauthier for being a spineless conniving prick who refuses to acknowledge what the rest of the hockey world knows: that Andrei Markov is out for a long time.  Just admit it and put him on IR already.  I'd kinda like to add a defenseman you jackasses.
...the St. Louis Blues, one of the best defensive teams in the league, for allowing the Stars horrific road power play to score for the first time since October 9th, 2010 - a span of 50 days.
...Sean Avery, not for having a rule named after him, but as should be expected involving anything associated with him, using it incorrectly, thus costing the Flyers a victory.
...talented Montreal Canadiens bloggers for blaming their lack of posts on "internet issues," instead of doing what the cool kids do such as blaming it on hectic work schedules and life.
...Toronto Maple Leafs fans for assuming them acquiring Brad Richards is a mere formality.  Dallas is currently 3rd in the Western Conference (I'll give you a moment to recover from the shock of reading that, but it's true) and last time I checked, your lack of 1st round draft picks means that there's only one viable trading option that we'd go for.
...The Boston Bruins for not acquiring Gregory Campbell sooner.  No way Colin would have allowed them to choke away a 3-game, 3-goal lead last season. for phoning in this blog post like Mike Modano did the last few years in Dallas, instead of posting the weekly NHLOL pics since it is Saturday.  In respect of that, I leave you with one:

AP and other images via Yahoo! and ESPN/Getty Images.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and what else I should be ashamed for, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?

Thursday, November 25, 2010

What Are You Thankful For?

Well, it's time for everyone in America to once again tell themselves they are only going to nosh a little bit, and instead end up in a turkey squared coma (actual turkey and Wild Turkey).  As many of you know, a yearly tradition is to mention what one is thankful for in their lives before the big feast begins.  I'm here to give you some of the things I'm thankful for this year.  As a serious heads up, we're gonna mix it up more than Dan Bylsma does wingers for Sidney Crosby.  By that, I mean not everything will be about hockey.  I wouldn't worry though.  I think y'all will be fine.

The Official holiday of Kyle Wellwood - Appetizer spread only pictured.
I Am Thankful...

- ...that I get to watch a sports league run by a competent commissioner that is devoted to marketing the sport to millions of fans.  A commish that has a top-notch staff of loyal, devoted, and most importantly, honest and unbiased individuals working for him in order to protect the league's highest integrity in all matters.
- ...that one day Gary Bettman might learn something from the aforementioned league.
- ...that despite most food packages having pictures on the label of what they contain, Gerber does not in fact have ground up babies inside.
- ...that I have an irrational fear of taxi cabs, and thus will likely never get into as much trouble as an NHL player.
- ...that it's time for everyone to make delicious delicious pecan pie (my absolute favorite).
- ...that Martin Brodeur's pie eating elbow is currently injured, thus I know my pie is 100% safe.
- ...that I don't own a purse, because if I did some moron might try to sell me a Kangaroo Keeper.
- ...that I know one day Tom Hicks will sell the Dallas Stars.  (Turn in Hanukah time when I wish for the sale of the team for all 8 nights)
- ...that at least 41 games in the NHL season are played at home, otherwise the Stars may never score another power play goal again.
- ...that I should never have to drink $10 a bottle scotch ever again...EVER.
- ...that I've met some really cool people on twitter who were able to enrich my life.  That poutine bot just LOVES me to pieces.
- ...that Paul Bissonette has yet to severely injure his hands in a fight.  That would certainly make for rather difficult tweeting.
- ...that one day I will once again get head in a place other than a beer glass.
- ...that I do not have to deal with womanly issues such as cramps, mood swings, hot flashes, and receiving pictures of Brett Favre's ding-a-ling.
- ...that someone, somewhere in Dallas will do something so incredibly stupid during a sporting event, that it will make the news.  Every now and then, it's a defensive player too.
- ...that pro wrestling is fake, because if anyone like The Miz ever became a UFC champion, I'd have to stop watching the sport.
- ...that it was once again proven that money can buy you players, but that doesn't necessarily translate into wins.  Lou Lamoriello might want to call Glen Sather to find out how this story ends.  (SPOILER ALERT: It ends with an extremely overpaid enforcer and a lack of anything that resembles a hockey team).
- ...that we're on the topic of fantasy hockey teams, because I'm doing rather well in my Yahoo leagues including two that I am essentially running away with.  Moral of the story?  Always draft with a group of Dallas Stars fans.  Sadly, I have realized they know absolutely nothing about hockey.
- ...that I can marinate my seafood in a combination of extra virgin olive oil, fresh herbs, garlic, and lemon instead of not-so-tasty BP oil.
- ...that the Sedins play far far away from here.  The last time we even had one half of a Swedish set of twins in this state, I almost lost a girlfriend due to an obsession.
- ...that the Chicago Blackhawks defensemen have welcomed Turco so much to their team, that they too have stopped playing defense in order to make him feel at home.
- ...knowing that even if my team fails to make the playoffs, they probably will still rank 5th overall in the Eastern Conference.
- ...that Snooki has not had a sex tape released nationwide.
- ...that I started this blog assuming it would be a train wreck of epic proportions, and yet people still find me amusing enough to get to the final line of the post.  Happy Thanksgiving to everyone in the US, happy Thursday to everyone elsewhere, and a heart felt thank you for taking time out of your schedules to read what I have to write.

Now get the hell off my lawn before I spray you with the hose.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and your favorite Thanksgiving side dish, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

NHLOL 11/12 - 11/22

So I've promised a post twice.  I ended up mingling with the real world both nights.  Sue me...unless you're really a lawyer, then I'm just joshing, I don't really want to deal with a law suit.  Anyway, lots of ups and downs this week.  Most of which have been downs, such as the Dallas Stars loss to Toronto which led me to do things I never wish upon my own worst enemy.  Anywho, you didn't come here to laugh at me...*eyebrow raise* can here to laugh with me.  So on with the funnies...I think.

AP and other images via Yahoo! and ESPN/Getty Images.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and Songs you'd like me to reference, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Toto, We're Not In Dallas Anymore

How bout them Cowboys Stars?  Well, to be perfectly honest, they are who we thought they were.  They currently sit in a tie for 12th place with the Minnesota Wild with 16 points in 15 games.  The last time the Stars received a point?  Oh ya, that's back when Kovalchoke wasn't scoring at all and giving us a good laugh on a nightly basis: November 5th in Dallas in the drubbing of the Coyotes.  That was also one night after the amazingly well played 5-2 win over the Penguins, also at home.  Then things went bad.  The Stars left the comfort and familiarity of the American Airlines Center (I'm sure the 200 fans that showed up each night were crushed), and went to add to their absolutely atrocious 4% road power play.  That isn't a typo.  I didn't leave off a "1" at the beginning.  It's 1 for 25.  That means it's been over a month since the Stars found the back of the net in an advantage situation.  Only the Devils sport a worse road power play than the Stars.  My question is, when you're on the man advantage, or even two-man advantage as there were a few times, doesn't shooting a puck at the net accidentally go in more than 4% of the time?

Sadly, I'm not even as upset about that as I should be.  Oh no.  We went from the most explosive offense in the NHL to scoring 3 goals in three away games.  That isn't really going to get the job done unless you're playing supreme defense, which, oh ya, finally proved they are as bad as I thought.  Trust me, if I had the ability to replace Nik Grossman during the Getzlaf goal with a ballerina doing a pirouette I'd be all over it.  God forbid the Stars play the Wings anytime soon because Tomas Holmstrom will be allowed to drop anchor in front of Lehtonen for as long as it takes Khabibulin to drop his GAA under 3.5...which means he'll be there a while.  Seriously, where is Derian Hatcher to physically pick someone up and relocate them when you need it?  Or better yet, where is Ed Belfour to gently encourage you to move in a way only he can?  Plain and simple, if Lehtonen sees you coming, you aren't scoring, but if the core of 6 turnstiles on the ice each night want to let everyone do what they want in front of the net, then it's going to be a long season.

Oh, and I'm sure y'all want comments regarding the blatant LA Kings diving penalty filled game against the Kings and all, but instead of attempting that and ending up with bloody damaged sheet rock in my house, I'm going to give y'all some bonus NHLOL from the previous week that didn't make it in because I'm stupid and saved them in the wrong spot.  Enjoy.

AP and other images via Yahoo! and ESPN/Getty Images.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and Dustin Brown diving excuses/rebutals, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?

Thursday, November 11, 2010

NHLOL 11/5-11/11

Well despite work taking up a ton of my time and drastically cutting down on posts, I have been keeping up with photos, so it's another edition of NHLOL, this time complete with a college hockey joke!  I know it's before Caturday, but let's face it, the only pussy that's gonna show up in one of these images is Sidney Crosby.  So before the Stars get destroyed by the #1 team in the Western Conference tonight, let's have some laughs:

Sorry, as a DU grad it had to be said.

AP and other images via Yahoo! and ESPN/Getty Images.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and crisp brand new $100 bills, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?