Thursday, September 23, 2010

NHL 2010-11 Western Conference Season Preview

I know everyone has been salivating waiting for my Western Conference preview this year.  This was also written while in the middle of the ocean...or the Gulf...somewhere with water, how about that?  As with last time, there is no particular order.  Just the way I wrote all the teams down as I remembered them.

Dallas Stars -
The Good:  Thankfully, the season is only 82 games long.  I probably couldn't handle much more than that. 
The Bad:  The Dallas Defense is to defending what a championship is to Buffalo; nonexistent. 
The Expectation:  They not only win the Stanley Cup, but do so in such dominating fashion that Gary Bettman strips all champions from 2000 on and retroactively awards them the Cup in those years as well (Take this one to the bank).

San Jose Sharks -
The Good:  Have made the necessary preparations to face the defending cup champs in the finals by acquiring the only goaltender to never lose to the Atlanta Thrashers.
The Bad: Let's face it, Joe Thornton still chokes more than George Bush on a pretzel.  If it weren't for Pavelski last season they wouldn't have even received a reprieve of "losing to the better team" and not actually tanking as usual. 
The Expectation: That Dan Boyle at least triples his amount of game winning overtime goals this season.

Phoenix Coyotes -
The Good:  They have skill and talent despite a lack of financial backing. 
The Bad:  Dead snakes on the ice will lead them to become endangered after the large quantity of goals Lee Stempniak is going to score since he is no longer coached by Ron Wilson.
The Expectation:  The only bookie that is willing to give betable odds on the Coyotes staying in Phoenix is ironically Rick Tocchet

Los Angeles Kings -
The Good:  Did not overpay to get Ilya Kovalchuk on their team, thus salvaging big contracts for all their young great players who are about to be RFAs. 
The Bad:  The Blackhawks vanquished half their team for a Stanley Cup, why wouldn't the Kings decide to do the same? 
The Expectation:  They bring back Kerry Fraiser for all playoff games in hopes that Bettman paid him to get them to the finals again.

Anaheim Ducks -
The Good:  Bobby Ryan is expected to sign a new contract...eventually...before his playing career is over. (Ed Note: Thanks for ruining the joke asshole.  Now the good news is the team can turn to their second biggest distraction: George Parros' mustache)
The Bad:  Couldn't bring in Paul Kariya due to post-concussion syndrome.  On a related note, retroactively tried to sue Scott Stevens.
The Expectation:  Without the defensive play of Scott Niedermeyer, Jonas Hiller will wish he was the one traded to Toronto.

Detroit Red Wings -
The Good:  They got Modano from the Stars who loves new teammate Ruslan Salei just slightly less than a root canal.
The Bad:  That if they reach the finals, I will likely have to cheer for them just because I'd like Modano to go out on a high note. 
The Expectation:  I'm not going to say they suck, because that's old news.  Instead, I'm going to say that they enjoy putting objects of the male anatomy in their mouths and forming a suction on said object until they receive a contribution of sorts for their efforts.

Colorado Avalanche -
The Good:  Anytime I make an Avs joke in this blog, not only will I get hassled from college friends in Denver, but Jaye will dedicate an entire blog post to bashing me. 
The Bad:  Rumors of The Border's demise, the local underage Denver college bar that Paul Stastny and David Jones are quite familiar with, were exaggerated, thus leading to Jones once again faking an injury in order to have more reasons to hook up with drunk DU girls. 
The Expectation:  That they finally realize the expectations of last season and miss out horrifically on the playoffs.  Thank God.

Vancouver Canucks -
The Good: Ryan Kesler will surely overcome the NHL 11 cover jinx.  I mean, he's already made it through the preseason without killing someone. 
The Bad:  The Sedins are twins, not triplets, nor do they have a quadruplet that plays goal. 
The Expectation:  They transfer the "C" to Shane O'Brien this season, because he is after all the role model of Consistency, Courage, and Cdouchebaggery.

Calgary Flames - 
The Good:  Darryl Sutter has lost his mind, thus placing absolutely zero expectations for this season. 
The Bad:  In the spirit of giving former Flames another shot (ba-zing!) this year╒s starting goaltender is Dany Sabourin, who had a PERFECT win percentage with his first stint with the club.  Sadly, it was perfect for the other team
The Expectation:  I fully expect the prize of a fan intermission game at a Flames game to be the first line center job for the rest of the season.

Minnesota Wild -
The Good:  Supposedly Miko Koivu is 100% this year after 2 surgeries and is set to put up some huge contract-justifying numbers.  
The Bad:  Did anyone else even know he was hurt last season? 
The Expectation:  Chuck Fletcher convinces Sutter to trade for Backstrom as he will no doubtably boost their center pivot on the first line.

Edmonton Oilers -
The Good:  I have a one-liter bottle of Canadian blended whiskey next to me and I have drank quite a bit of it.  The Oilers are from Canada as well.  Yes, that's all I got.
The Bad:  Realizing he's stuck for at least a few years in Edmonton with no chance of a trade, Taylor Hall attempts to blow up the Rexall Place...with the entire team sans himself inside of it. 
The Expectation:  Shawn Horcoff finally fulfills his expectations by sucking like we all know he will.

St. Louis Blues -
The Good:  They signed former Montreal standout goaltender Jaroslav Halak after an amazing end to the season. 
The Bad:  Dave Tallon called and reminded them that they signed a former Montreal standout goaltender who had an amazing end to the season. 
The Expectation:  The young guys were all very nice in having their sophomore slump the same year, thus making the Blues my repeat darkhorse Western Conference Stanley Cup pick.

Columbus Blue Jackets -
The Good:  Rick Nash scores a goal or two. 
The Bad:  Steve Mason lets in a goal or eight. 
The Expectation:  Since no one wants to watch the Lebron-less Cavs anymore, it should be easy to boost the Nielson ratings from a 0.2 to a 0.3.

Nashville Predators -
The Good:  They somehow manage to stay competitive in the NHL, despite being an AHL team at best.
The Bad:  Pekka Rinne has 1 year left on his deal after this year, which almost guarantees the cycle of backup goaltenders outplaying and winning the starting job will continue.
The Expectation:  Ryan Parent turns into a stellar player after returning to the club that drafted him (I can't say anything negative about a guy that shares a birthday with me).

Chicago Blackhawks -
The Good:  Well...they're under the salary cap, so that counts for something, right? 
The Bad:  Turco now has to face the Red Wings, who are statistically his biggest pain in the ass, a total of eight times this regular season.  At least, that╒s assuming he doesn't get benched. 
The Expectation:  The Stanley Cup winning streak is going to start 2/2 for Marian Hossa who fully expects that the team he screwed over financially will win every year he is there.

The NHL as a whole -
The Good:  It's almost here so that we can stop watching horrifically boring baseball. 
The Bad:  The governing bodies have started much too early this year in their attempt to randomly add new rules and restrictions that will help keep teams on a level playing field.  Most notably the new rule that requires all players to make weight in order to join an NHL team
The Expectation:  Gary Bettman's body explodes from the orgasm he ends up having during the Winter Classic game between Crosby and Ovechkin.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and love notes, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?

Monday, September 20, 2010

NHL 2010-11 Eastern Conference Season Preview

Apparently I’m doing this whole boozing/cruising thing wrong as I’m not only not hungover, but up money at the casino (Ed Note: I guess it was a mistake to put that in writing so soon…whoops), AND up early before everyone else to the point that y’all get a season preview.  So coming all the way from the middle of the ocean, here we go with the Eastern Conference:

New Jersey Devils –
The Good: They not only got Ilya signed to the type of deal that suited them financially, but successful screwed over the rest of the NHL GMs by getting cap circumvention fixed.
The Bad: Not enough money leftover for the nightly Martin Brodeur pie buffet.
The Expectation:  They just got fined two Dan Ellis’ and some draft picks, yet I still expect Bill Daly to have both of Kovalchuk’s knees broken in what looks like an accident.  Take that Lou.

Pittsburgh Penguins –
The Good:  The Pens brought in Mike Comrie in hopes of getting Hillary Duff to sing the National Anthem during all home games.
The Bad:  Now that Comrie only makes $500K, Hilary is going to ask for a divorce.
The Expectation:  Pierre McGuire finally molests Crosby live on NBC and the world rejoices for him.

Washington Capitals –  
The Good:  The regular season is totally NOT the playoffs.
The Bad:  Mike Green still hasn’t been told that just because you have a positive plus/minus rating due to outscoring your opponents, it doesn’t actually count as playing defense.
The Expectation:  Ovechkin is on a breakaway to score the game winning goal in the Stanley Cup Finals, when out of nowhere Jagr skates on the ice and cross checks him as revenge.

Tampa Bay Lightning –
The Good:  Dan Ellis will have an extra 2.5 hours twice to three times a week to balance his checkbook and work on his finances since he’ll be sitting on the bench (Ed Note: since apparently Dan Ellis jokes are old now, my new "The Good" is that at least one of the Lightning Girls happens to be single, which is great since who wouldn't want to date a hockey blogger?...I said it was good, I didn't say for how many people)
The Bad:  In 2005-06 when the Iowa Stars had Smith and Ellis as their goaltenders they barely squeaked into the playoffs and lost in the 1st round. 
The Expectation:  The Philadelphia Flyers Jr, end up making the playoffs and the Seen Stamkos crap finally pays off as he walks off with two pieces of hardware.

Florida Panthers –
The Good:  No longer have to worry about severe head injuries or huge heel turn own goals thanks to the loss of Keith Ballard.
The Bad:  Pretty much everything else.
The Expectation:  Easily destroy everyone in the regular season, dominate in the playoffs, and walk away with the NBA Championship.  Oh crap, the Panthers?  Not the Heat?  Well in that case Tomas Vokoun is going to get peppered with shots.  Many of them.  Lots are going to go in too.

Carolina Hurricanes –
The Good:  One Staal away from 3-of-a-kind, which is a pretty damn good poker hand.
The Bad:  Little known fact that Ron Brind’amor is now in charge of the team’s reconstructive facial surgery visual department.
The Expectation:  Will try to recruit Kevin Weekes back from the NHL Network and Hockey Night in Canada.

New York Rangers –
The Good:  Glen Sather overspent on only one free agent this summer.
The Bad:  Not sure if I’ve ever seen someone get signed for $1.625 million a year that hasn’t scored a goal since January 7th2006.
The Expectation:  The only way this team wins a game is if Lundqvuist not only makes saves, but is also scoring goals.  Good thing he has a twin that isn’t exactly signed to the NHL.

New York Islanders –
The Good:  Four top 12 picks in the last 3 years that should start producing even more this season.
The Bad:  Apparently that whole Sumo wrestler as a goaltender thing failed to work, not because they were slow and fat, but because they kept eating all of DiPietro’s new ACL’s over rice for breakfast.
The Expectation:  Charles Wang names Dwayne Roloson the new team president because he is after all a better goaltender than Snow.

Buffalo Sabres –
The Good:  Assuming it’s under the table deals involving 6-7 figures per player, Darcy Regier is obviously making a killing from his “drafting and developing talent, then letting them go to another team via free agency” plan.  
The Bad: Even the Sabres won’t find out what their new jerseys look like until EA Sports gives them the jersey activation code. (Ed Note: Apparently they found out while I was gone, guess that means the new worst aspect is that while Dominik Hasek is being forced to pay to fix the damage caused to the championship cup, it isn’t the Stanley Cup)
The Expectation:  Ryan Miller finally gets recognized as being a top end keeper in the NHL…Unfortunately, it’s just by some guy named Billy who clicked the wrong button on his Yahoo! Keeper league.

Atlanta Thrashers –
The Good: Don Waddell is no longer making the stellar trades that have built the Thrashers empire into what it is today. 
The Bad:  Don Waddell is now making even more important decisions for the Thrashers club leading me to believe he will make the Phoenix Coyotes debacle look easier than a Thrashers goaltender groin pull. 
The Expectation:  Gary Bettman will use Atlanta as a model of how relocating teams from the North to Southern US markets is a better idea than moving a team to Canada.

Ottawa Senators –
The Good:  Negotiated a $5.5 million dollar deal per season in 14 minutes.
The Bad:  Carrier Underwood Fisher is not enough for me to care about this team. 
The Expectation:  Pascal LeClaire will continue to under perform and Brian Elliott will continue to over perform.  The result?  Senator fans will be pissed at Jason Spezza.

Toronto Maple Leafs –
The Good: Can look forward to another excellent high draft pick. 
The Bad: Brian Burke still has yet to find a way to get said pick back from the Bruins.
The Expectation: If the Leafs make the playoffs, Burkes McGurkes will hire Eric Cartman to repaint the inside of the Boston Garden to add insult to injury.

Montreal Canadiens –
The Good:  The only way you could have a more definitive starting goaltender is if the backup was Vesa Toskala. 
The Bad:  After years of car burning, only 5 vehicles are still left on the road.  Better chose your celebrations wisely. 
The Expectation:  That the Tomas Plekanec of 2011 is worth every penny of his new extension and not the Plekanec of, well pretty much any other year.

Philadelphia Flyers –
The Good:  Chris Pronger didn’t get suspended for a single blatant elbow in the regular season or playoffs in 2009/10.  You read that correctly! 
The Bad:  For the 11th year in a row they’ve opted to use the non-traditional 3 forwards defenders and 3 defenders approach.  
The Expectation:  Unless Jesus takes over at starting goaltender they don’t have a chance.

Boston Bruins –
The Good:  Former Vezina winning goaltender Tim Thomas still has one year left on his contract.
The Bad:  Peter Chiarello recently had a special “reserved for Timmy” name plate mounted to the end of the bench. 
The Expectation:  Will try to best last year’s season by winning a playoff series and then inexplicably forfeiting to let the team they beat move on to the next round.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and observations of what other jokes are outdated, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?

Saturday, September 11, 2010

The NHL is Going Sammich

For those that don't know, aside from hockey, a huge passion of mine is food.  So I was beyond thrilled to hear that the NHL was getting into the sandwich business. isn't, but if it did I'm pretty sure the menu would look something similar to this:

The Alexander Daigle -  Porchetta, aged provolone, and a balsamic drizzle on baguette.  Easily the best sandwich you will ever taste.  Really.  We're not joking at all.  For realsies people!
The Wayne Gretzky - Just kidding, the best sandwich ever is really this one.
The Sidney Crosby - Salami, cappicola, mortadella, swiss cheese, lettuce, and tomato served on toasted brioche topped with an olive tapanade.  Comes with a complimentary glass of whine.
The Ilya Kovalchuk - Peanut butter and jelly on white bread.  Caution: may contain broken glass.
The Mike Sillinger - This particular sandwich changes on a bi-monthly basis.
The Thrasher - Not quite sure what is in it, but it tastes eerily like our #1 sandwich that we served last year.
The Dan Ellis - Packed full of baloney on Walmart brand bread, this sandwich is sure to make you want to have an 18% refund.
The Jiri Fischer - Thick slabs of prime rib slathered in au jus, topped with bacon, and then deep fried.  Caution: May cause heart failure.
The Wendel Clark - Just a healthy dose of knuckles.
The Kyle Wellwood -  Chicken tenders, mozzarella sticks, fried jalapenos, bacon, sausage, french fries, onion rings, deep fried oreos, rocky mountain oysters, and an entire McDonald's Big Mac stuffed between 2 delicious glazed donuts.

The closest I can even come to estimating what the Wellwood looks like. (courtesy: I bet you won't)
The Gary Bettman - Turkey, lettuce, tomato, and mayo on your choice of bread.  The number one sandwich of NBA supporters since February of 1993!
The Jaromir Jagr - Schnitzel with lettuce, sauteed onions, and a roasted red pepper spread.  What self respecting sandwich shop would have no Jagr?
The Steve Moore - Just Vegetables.
The Montreal Canadien - Marinated moose skirt steak served accompanied by a delicious pesto on sourdough bread.  If you can finish the entire thing in 60 minutes, you receive a complimentary flaming shot.
The Mike Modano - A delicious collaboration of perfectly charred steak, avocado, yellow tomato, and horseradish mayo on an old stale red and white striped roll.  We then have Tom Hicks personally serve it to you, but only after taking a nice big dump directly on top of it.

Upgrades (for a nominal fee):
Sean Avery it - Order any sandwich and get the half eaten leftovers from a previous day.
Bob Probert it - Add fresh jalapenos and habeneros, then a healthy dose of hot sauce to any sandwich. You ass wishes it never went near this upgrade.
Alexi Yashin it - Pay extra to enjoy the privilege of eating your NHL sandwich at another restaurant.
Martin St. Louis it - Enjoy any sandwich we offer, but at half the size.
Jeremy Roenick it - Take any sandwich we offer, and blend it into a fabulous smoothie. Very easy to swallow.
Glen Sather it - Enjoy a fabulous NHL sandwich with no changes to it, but now at double the retail price.
Kris Draper it - Pile on the ground meat and marinara sauce. Comes with a complimentary plastic surgery evaluation.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and picture of what you think the Wellwood would look like, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Other NHL Freak Accidents

Sure some might think Dan Ellis' Twitter meltdown and eventual departure is yesterday's big news, but I'm not one of those people.  I mean if you were really gonna shut down your twitter wouldn't you delete it instead of just saying goodbye?  Ya...  Anyway, the big news of the day to me was that Minnesota Wild center James Sheppard broke his kneecap while riding an ATV and is out for 4 months.  Sure you've never heard of the guy, and to be honest, until today, neither had I!  So why is this big news?  Just think of all the bizarre accidental injuries that have happened in the NHL world.  There was the time Joe Sakic broke 3 fingers and injured tendons using a snow blower.  There was the Dan Boyle incident where he sliced a tendon in his wrist hanging up his skates.  And who can forget the time that Brian Burke had Jeff Finger's right arm broken so he could become a left-handed shot?  Ok, so maybe that last one never actually happened.  I've done some research today and have found some other freak accidents that occurred to NHL players:

-  When he was much younger Carey Price was hit in the head when someone dropped a paint can off the side of a building.  This would likely explain why a guy with a sub .500 record thought he could hold out on signing a contract in order to make three or four times the amount that Dan Ellis does.

-  Not necessarily an accident, but Derek Boogaard underwent a procedure in his early teens that infused his bones with gold leaf similar to that of Wolverine and adamantium.  This is obviously the only explanation as to why someone who has the hockey talent of a gerbil is able to earn $1.625 million this season.

- During a millennium New Year Eve party Colton Orr had his right hand shattered when a glass punch bowl slipped and fell on it when he was trying to chug the last of it to show up some friends.  It was so severe that he had a steel plate put into it.  You can find the serial number of said plate implanted into Matt Carkner's face.

- Little known fact, that unlike Sami Salo who had a bit of an uncomfortable time during the playoffs, Vesa Toskala had both testicles removed in an odd and bizarre Finnish ritual.  Sadly, something went terribly awry during said ritual as some of the fire that was used to cauterize the skin burnt burnt his retinas.  The combination of the two has led to an abnormally larger 5-hole and a lack of ability to stop anything, and I mean anything, sent his way.

- In 2010 Darryl Sutter had a $5 off coupon for a pet rock.  He instead accidentally applied it to Ian White's new contract.

- During 2005, deciding that despite being a pro-athlete, he needed to get gastric bypass surgery to keep his lean figure, Kyle Wellwood was going to be the model of NHL fitness.  Unfortunately, something went terribly wrong, and instead of tying off part of his stomach, the doctor somehow added more capacity to it, enabling Wellwood to consume entire pizza buffets in one sitting before ever feeling full.

- After the 2001-02 season a CVS Pharmacy cashier accidentally put real vitamins in the bag of Martin St Louis instead of the Flintstones ones he had purchased.  The actual nutrients in those vitamins enabled him to be good at hockey.

- Dave Tallon had some accidents in 2009 regarding FedEx-ing qualifying offers, but in the summer of 2008 he accidentally signed Cristobal Huet and Brian Campbell to hefty contracts assuming they would actually play to expectations.  Thankfully for Blackhawk fans, he can't make those kinds of mistakes again.

- The real reason for the Dustin Byfuglien trade to Atlanta wasn't to get rid of his salary, but instead was a result yet another freak accident where Dustin bit off a portion of his own tongue trying to correctly pronounce and spell his name to the cup engraver for the 2,174th time.  Stan Bowman doesn't like players with only half a tongue.

- When Taylor Hall grew up he had the unfortunate accident of being much better at hockey than all of his peers even going so far as becoming the first player to ever be awarded 2 Stafford Smythe Memorial Trophys.  Sadly this amazing abundance of talent landed him in Edmonton.  I'm sure that's Wyshysnki's fault though.

- In the summer of 2009, newly hired GM Joe Nieuwendyk took the entire Dallas defense to Texas Motor Speedway for team building and give them a preview of his expectations for the upcoming season.  His goal was for them to play as fast as they could and give it their all, for the eventual "victory lap" with the Stanley Cup.  Sadly, the players instead keyed in on what an excellent job the traffic cones did at staying stationary.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and favorite Chinese takeout number for me, or just stalk me on Twitter (not like ex-girlfriend stalk me though), because what better things do you have to do while at work?

Monday, September 6, 2010

The Cheechoo Train

Let the record show I've never liked Jonathan Cheechoo.  Ever.  Ok, that's not true.  For a brief millisecond his between the legs goal versus Colorado made me believe that maybe he wasn't just the luckiest person in the world, but actually did have some talent.  I always laughed at the person who drafted him any year after his 56 goal miracle season.  Last year, sadly, that person was me.  I figured with the trade to Ottawa and a desperate need for goal scoring on my fantasy team, that I could take a 17th round chance on the guy.  For those unclear on how that story ends, he lasted less than 2 weeks on my team, and I finished 5th overall in goal scoring.

You'll imagine my surprise, and horror, when I read on TSN, that the Dallas Stars had extended an offer for Mr. Cheechoo to attend their training camp.  I was even more horrified, no, worse...mortified, when I was checking Yahoo! for this post and stumbled across this:

Dear Yahoo!, please don't give me unnecessary heart palpitations. It's just an invite, not a contract. (source: Yahoo!)

No offense to Mr. Cheechoo, but I pray this is some kind of sick joke by Nieuwendyk to bring him in and show the rest of the team what a flash in the pan looks like.  I mean sure the Stars got first hand looks at Patrik Stefan (thank you for a moment none of us will ever forget), Valeri Kamensky, Ladislav Nagy, Janne Niinimaa (oh God, make the pain go away), Junior Lessard (former Hobey Baker winner for the NCAA followers), and Valeri Bure (definitely not Pavel) among others, but remember that most of this team is really young, so they've yet to see a massive full blown poster child of an NHL failure on their team.

To make matters worse, I actually see the team extending a contract to the guy for something more than the league minimum.  Sorry, but if Mike Comrie is playing for $500K, then Cheechoo should pay us to let him on the team.  I also don't see how he would fit on this team.  Or where for that matter.  The only reason he played well at all was because he had some guy named Joe Thornton passing him the puck (I think that's right, I've never seen that name come playoff time).  I'm sure Brad Richards could help force Cheechoo to break Gretzky's single season record of 92 goals, but why on earth would you take Neal and Eriksson off his wings to take a risk like that.  The top 6 is set barring some ridiculous play from some players or major injuries.

All this being said, I see Joe being a dumb ass and offering some insane incentive laden contract that could make him in the $1 to 1.5 million range.  Which leaves me with one final question.  Why couldn't they afford a hometown discount contract for Modano again?

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Stars Goaltending: A New Hope

First off, I am completely saddened that I did not receive one haiku from my last post.  Zero.  Zilch.  Nada.  Just for that, I'm going to keep the copy of NHL 11 I was going to purchase instead of offering it as a giveaway.*

Down to business.  Thanks to some amazing super secret REAL footage from Andrew's Dallas Stars Page (which oddly now re-directs to ESPN Dallas...), we have established who will be contending for the starting job with Kari Lehtonen.  As you may or may not have known, Andrew Raycroft's contract is actually a two-way deal for the first year.  Since Dallas is broke as a joke, it's a nice way of saying "Enjoy leading the Texas Stars back to the AHL championship."  Now I know anyone that is familiar with the organization immediately assumes that Brent Krahn is automatically in line to challenge Kari, but oh no.  Think harder.  Think outside the box.  It's obvious Marc Crawford's style doesn't mesh well with a particular player on the team, and it's obvious Crawford tried everything in his power to find a way to work this gentleman into different situations during games, but it just wasn't working.  There were even heavy rumors that this guy was going to be traded, but no one wants a guy that just had a miserable season.  So ladies and gentlemen, without further ado I present the new potential #1 goaltender for the Dallas Stars, offensive wizard, Mike "Chipmunk" Ribeiro (Hey, it honestly can't get much worse):

In closing:

Dear ESPN,

Please do not sue my ass off.  I am making no money off your video and happily gave you all the credit in the world.  If you want it gone just let me know and it's down.  If on the contrary you'd like to reward the extra 8 page hits you're getting from this blog, then I will happily accept season tickets in the North Plaza.  If you want to throw in a couple beers that would be swell as it's probably the only way I'll be able to sit through an entire game if this really is the future of our goaltending.

*Not really true.  It was never going any further from my couch than the Xbox 360, but hey, at least you felt like for a moment that this was a really generous blog.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and social security numbers for me, or just stalk me on Twitter, because what better things do you have to do while at work?

Thursday, September 2, 2010

NHL Dual Sport Athletes

I got to thinking today about some great athletes in my lifetime such as Deion Sanders and Bo Jackson and how they were able to not only dominate in their own sport, but also in secondary professional sports.  I then realized you never see this happen with hockey players.  Sure we had Manute Bol try his hand at the CHL for a day to raise charity, but he never even hit the ice during the game.  The closest we've ever come is Tom Glavine being drafted to the Kings (before Luc Robitaille I might add), but he chose baseball over hockey.  Here's a glimpse at some other players who can use their talents to excel in other sports (For the record, if you don't usually click my hyperlinks, I suggest you start doing so, that's half the fun in all my posts):

NBA - With a flair for physicality and elbows Chris Pronger (6' 6") is merely a whiter less skilled version of the NBA's Ron Artest (6' 7")...wait, Artest?...Pronger is merely a whiter version of the NBA's Ron Artest.

International Soccer - Aside from his departure from the NHL causing mad pandemonium among NHL execs and massive cheering from NHL fans, Crosby would find himself among his peers since he would fit in perfectly with the Italian divers, er, soccer players.  One thing's for sure, he's gonna need a bigger dryer.  Sid-ney-ole-ole-Sid-ney. 

Poker - Sure anyone could do it, but after years of getting broken, battered, and bruised he has quite possibly the best poker face I've ever seen.  I present to you Stephane Robidas.

When his nose bulges to the left he's bluffing...or is he?

Baseball - While his catching might need some improvement, his knack for swinging for the fences would enable Keith Ballard to become the next great baseball legend.

MMA - A very tough category as there are obviously many great enforcers in the NHL.  However, I feel strongly that one player stands above the rest for his innovative style that is necessary to survive in the world of mixed martial arts:

NASCAR - With an affinity and track record for changing tires, Brooks Laich make an amazing addition to any Pit Crew.  Speaking of which, I wonder if Dany Heatley needs a crew.  I hear he's an amazing driver.  In related news, the NHL should ship Doc Emrick to be a commentator (give it a second, that joke/link will sink in).

IFOCE - Move over Joey Chestnut, with a great hunger and an unfilled desire and yearning to be the biggest, Kyle Wellwood would take the International Federation of Competitive Eating by storm.

Westminster Dog Show - Ok, so maybe it isn't classified as a professional sport, but how is Mike Ricci not a slam dunk for this?

Hide the poodles in heat, that is one good looking pug mug.

PBR (Professional Bull Riders) - You have to think that anyone that can take that much punishment to their face from Colton Orr has to have suffered enough brain damage to sit down on a pissed off bull.

PBA (Professional Bowlers Association) - It took some hard thought for this one, but finally I narrowed it down to the Montreal Canadien forwards.  Who else would be able to provide the perfect number and size to field all 10 bowling pins?

Horse Racing Jockey - Ooooo, now that all the Canadiens forwards are busy getting pelted by big burly men's balls, who is left to ride ponies?  Why none other that the NHL's resident midget Martin St. Louis.

Pro Wrestling - Let's be honest, half of the big stars in wrestling can't wrestle at all.  The biggest key to success is being able to get over with the fans via your mic skills.  Sound like someone we know?  I think so!

Fear wrestling's newest character, the Copy Editor

Football - Ever since Jimmy Johnson retired and was relegated to Fox NFL Sunday, something is missing during football games.  Not the amazing play calling or back-to-back super bowl champions, but rather watching someone get doused with Gatorade and seeing a nicely sculpted head of hair look...well, look as pristine and untouched as ever.  This is why I don't care about retirement, someone needs to find a way for Kerry Fraser to get a job in the NFL.

Fencing - To be good at a sport like fencing, you need gifted hands, loads of talent, and a "no fear" attitude of getting cut by a blade.  Richard Zednik, come on down!

Billiards - With spearing penalties like this, Rob Blake is a natural at hitting balls with long sticks.

Golf - If you are a member of the Dallas Stars, you better be raising your hands on this one. 

Hockey - Finally, it would seem there are some people ready to make that next step towards becoming professional athletes.  Ladies and gentlemen, your 2010-2011 Edmonton Oilers!

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mails, and haikus for me, or just stalk me on Twitter, because what better things do you have to do while at work?