tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-73047628011295530522024-03-14T01:40:43.129-05:00Discard What You Don't NeedWhere cynicism and sarcasm meet for drinks and Stars hockeyJasonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15421429344077085765noreply@blogger.comBlogger40125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7304762801129553052.post-51531569563252942802016-05-17T23:07:00.002-05:002016-05-17T23:07:32.528-05:00Remembering the 2015-2016 Dallas Stars<div id="yui_3_18_1_1_1463412372539_562" style="background-color: white; color: #5f5f5f; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 1.1em;">
<em id="yui_3_18_1_1_1463412372539_561">(As the Stanley Cup Playoffs continue, we're bound to lose some friends along the journey. We've asked for these losers, gone but not forgotten, to be eulogized by the people who knew the teams best: One of their own fans because he's tired of media pushed unfunny jokes.)</em></div>
*Blows dust off blogging keyboard*<br />
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Forgive me, for it has been a while, but I couldn't help but come across the <a href="http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/nhl-puck-daddy/eulogy--remembering-the-2015-16-dallas-stars-155738360.html">Stars eulogy</a> yesterday via Puck Daddy. Here I sat patiently avoiding some important chicken related business while hoping to be slapped across the face by someone on par with Eulogy heavyweights <a href="https://twitter.com/theroyalhalf">The Royal Half</a>, <a href="https://twitter.com/stace_ofbase">Stace of Base</a>, or two of my personal favorites <a href="https://twitter.com/felixpotvin">Felix Potvin</a> and <a href="https://twitter.com/mlse">MLSE</a> of PPP. I mean Dallas was the second best team in the NHL and the top team in the Western Conference so surely everyone's favorite hockey blogger not named Sean Mcindoe sought out only the top tier Twitter talent to take on this tantalizing task. Instead we got a guy who is as relevant to the blog-o-sphere as Scott Glennie was to hockey. I applaud his effort though, as someone who apparently doesn't ever watch hockey, he sure nailed the forcefed NBC script. Thus, it is my goal to truly mourn this great loss today giving you the insight that you so desperately deserve.<br />
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It shouldn't have ended this way. With such a promising start to the 2015-2016 season and tons of talent, this was set to be an amazing year. Sure it didn't start on the happiest of notes in seeing Rich Peverley retire, thus officially allowing the Dallas Stars to change the "Number of full seasons completed without a player almost dying in the middle of a game" to "1" with a strong hope that "2" was attainable. The post season was the goal with sights set so much higher. It's weird to think that in the blink of an eye on a play so routine, an injury can change the course of your entire season. We'll never know how this year would have ended up had Tony Romo not fractured his collarbone, but I can imagine him holding the Vince Lombardi trophy over his head and kissing it while running laps around the field. Texas is football country and we shouldn't forget it. Even everyone's favorite Stars owner Tom Hicks went out and invested in not just one, but two futbol franchises. If that doesn't tell you that we're relegated to the back burner, then I don't know what does. Realistically we know football is all Dallas fans care about. Remember, we're in the minority, but just think, if Tony hadn't gotten injured and had in fact won the Super Bowl, maybe he still would have been off celebrating instead of bringing his horrible, no good, rotten luck to <a href="http://dailysnark.com/tony-romo-attends-game-7-stars-vs-blues-dallas-gets-blown/">Game 7</a>.</div>
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Then again, this was a team that shouldn't be eulogized, because it was supposed to be euthanized before the playoffs began. We know they were going to score lots of goals. They've been there and done that, but to win you need defense. Apparently the fearless leader Jim Nill heard this as de-Finns and despite all the goaltending talent available on the market for <a href="http://www.cbssports.com/nhl/eye-on-hockey/25229206/bruins-trade-g-martin-jones-to-sharks-for-2016-1st-round-pick-prospect">next to nothing</a>, traded for Stanley Cup winner Antti Niemi. A goalie so well renowned by the team that he won a Stanley Cup with, that they immediately decided to part ways with him. If that isn't a vote of confidence, I don't know what is. Oh wait, there's more? This is also the guy who single handedly led the San Jose Sharks to choke-fest after choke-fest in the playoffs include <a href="http://deadspin.com/the-san-jose-sharks-join-a-depressing-club-by-blowing-a-1570191309">blowing a 3-0 series lead</a>? Well I'm glad the Stars signed up for that. Not just signed up, but signed up to the tune of 3 years at roughly more money than your whole family will make in their entire life time. None of this is new to you, the people spoke earlier.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ironically, the percentage that voted "Your goalies suck" is almost identical to Dallas' save percentage this season</td></tr>
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Thankfully, despite this A++ signing, we still have Kari Lehtonen available...every two out of three games that is. I'd continue down this hole of deep dark regret, but thankfully there is hope Stars fans. Jack Campbell is just moments away from taking the reigns and saving this franchise from its goaltending woes. Just as soon as he's able to wrestle away the starting job in the ECHL that is. No rush. While I know this is a tribute to the 2015-16 team, I know deep down everyone is already burying these two "keepers" and finding other viable solutions. Thankfully I see that everyone has pencilled in Henrik Lundqvist and Marc-Andre Fleury as our new goaltending tandem for next year thus proving that if you thought $10.4 million was a lot for goaltending, $14.25 million should look way better. The team in front of these guys should look amazing given that after the trades there will be six forwards and Jordie Benn. In reality, it really does make sense that the Stars set a new NHL record for empty net goals this year, considering it wasn't really any different than a normal practice for them.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A new Stars tradition in the Damnitjason household</td></tr>
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It truly is a sad world when the best defender on your entire team is actually a guy sitting in a booth watching video replays. The Stars are probably better off cloning Kelly Forbes and paying him $4.5 million a year to do whatever video magic he does so that Dallas can shutout every team from now on. I'd even be willing to sacrifice whatever budget was spent on confetti and streamers for each playoff win to add to his yearly salary. Then again, maybe an easier idea would be to not purchase the <a href="http://www.sbnation.com/nhl/2015/10/29/9641274/dallas-stars-troll-own-fans-by-playing-nickelback-for-an-entire-period">entire Nickelback discography</a> for Grubes.<br />
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No need to pick on the Stars staff though. They were the ones who tirelessly had to watch hours of Game of Thrones footage to be able to run the same three clips with different scripts that were written to mimic that of a twelve year old girl. Ur bumin' me out Jason Danby. Then again, you don't mess with adults who are able to accurately portray themselves as an adolescent because those kinds of people, they <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/To_Catch_a_Predator">work for Chris Hansen</a>. Really I shouldn't pick on the Stars staff, it was the players themselves who are truly the ones to blame, right? It's not like Celina Rae announcing the "We're never going to give away any Dr Pepper during this promotion" minute was responsible for letting in goals. The players are the ones that play the game. We could easily pick on the likes of Jamie Oleksiak, who the only thing he hit <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JYWqH1hd4XE">harder and more often than Nicolas Deslaurier</a> was the press box popcorn bucket. We could also pick on that one fourth liner skater who wasn't really that good for most of the season and got scratched a few times. Oh what's his name? No, not Travis Moen. Oh! Val Nichushkin! </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-NihAGaQd0F8/VzqbPsFAMTI/AAAAAAAAAWY/WHxPj-Dj1MYTeAb6dfZiQldluwPRvgVeQCLcB/s1600/Pikachushkin.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-NihAGaQd0F8/VzqbPsFAMTI/AAAAAAAAAWY/WHxPj-Dj1MYTeAb6dfZiQldluwPRvgVeQCLcB/s320/Pikachushkin.jpg" width="311" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The only thing I choose is that you start learning to play hockey</td></tr>
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Ultimately, it really is the team as a whole that is at fault and not any individual I may or may not have mentioned *cough Jason Dumbers cough*. During the 1999 Stanley Cup run, the Stars listened to bands that would pump them up for each game such as Pantera. It would remain reasonable that this year's team did something similar to ensure that they were thoroughly pumped up before every game, so of course they turned to world renowned heavy metal artist Shania Twain.</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-w6ztYwC7gyI/Vzqe1tBUugI/AAAAAAAAAWw/amlzlh9JH-s1LpWO4AMeerC9StC0OOn4wCK4B/s1600/maxresdefault.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-w6ztYwC7gyI/Vzqe1tBUugI/AAAAAAAAAWw/amlzlh9JH-s1LpWO4AMeerC9StC0OOn4wCK4B/s320/maxresdefault.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright...just not Western Conference Finals alright</td></tr>
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We can just start going through players too. Kris Russell? Russellmania? He was the only 'mania to cost more and be more of an overall disappointment to the Dallas area since Wrestlemania 32. Speaking of defense, who can forget Norris candidate snub John Klingberg who continued served up assists all season long. If he served up anymore from his failed power play entry zone drop passes to the opposition, I'd have hired him to wait tables a few years back. There is always one half of the two Wild and Crazy Guys Ales Hemsky. If I had a dime for every time Ales dazzled me with a play and scored on his subsequent shot, I'd have <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UEXBBvmE8e0">ZERO DIMES.</a> Cody Eakin? Let's just say that "Cody Eakin: playoff first line center" should never be uttered by anyone unless they are making a horrible and hurtful joke. Maybe next year after another one year deal for Patrick Eaves he can fully immerse himself in his protective cocoon of a beard so that he doesn't break himself in urgent times of need. Let's not forget a bright spot on defense in the emergence of Stephen Johns. Did you know that, to emulate the man he was traded for Trevor Daley, Johns led the team in plus/minus? On the minus side that is, but you can tell him that, I'd prefer to <a href="http://sportsday.dallasnews.com/dallas-stars/starsphotos/2016/05/07/photos-stephen-johns-annihilates-scottie-upshall-big-hit-alex-goligoski-gets-smushed-glass">stay in one piece</a>. Oh and the captain Jamie Benn, well...*Insert unoriginal oral sex joke here.* Sure we could go through and name every single player, but we really just need to get to one: Mr. Alexander Marcus Flint Goligoski. I know <a href="https://twitter.com/patrickin323">many of you</a> have been salivating for this moment, as well you should. Mr. G. was AMAZING all post season and it is a shame that he, along with the rest of the team has died. He did after all send his home state team packing with a series clinching goal and tried his damnedest to do it one game prior as well. His play was just about the only inspirational thing to take away from this mess left by Lindy and friends. The thankful news is that he played so well this post season, that he will most assuredly get re-signed to an insanely overpriced multi-year deal that will leave us all wanting to <a href="http://www.sportingnews.com/nhl/news/tyler-seguin-achilles-cut-injury-photo-surgery-stars/1xyulgvxf12zg1nqs6bajjvg7g">slice our own achilles</a> or <a href="http://www.defendingbigd.com/2016/2/13/10987828/video-tyler-seguin-cut-wrist-arm-status-unclear-dallas-stars-nicklas-backstrom-post-game">wrists</a> and bleed out from it. </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3WYDgssubL4/VzqhzM8JeiI/AAAAAAAAAW8/1_TWXs9Rfh0SZ9rKkVvDQ78hdSDhoFJ9QCK4B/s1600/IMG_0733.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="313" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3WYDgssubL4/VzqhzM8JeiI/AAAAAAAAAW8/1_TWXs9Rfh0SZ9rKkVvDQ78hdSDhoFJ9QCK4B/s320/IMG_0733.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">How do you not give this man whatever the hell he asks for?</td></tr>
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It also would be unfair of me to leave out the playoffs guests that we welcomed with open arms into the AAC. The Mild came to town without half of their roster which was actually a smart idea because had they brought everyone, Norm Green would have likely appeared and tried to move them to Houston. This series also taught us that the old cliche "the most dangerous lead in hockey is a two goal lead" is purely fiction because the real most dangerous lead in hockey is one that the Dallas Stars hold. Alas, even with a series lead, the Wild were so pathetic that even the Stars could not lose to them. Thankfully for the next round, Dallas had finally figured out the Stanley Cup powerhouse Chicago Blackhawks. They pummeled them into submission all season, sans one Chicago home game at the American Airlines Center as a courtesy to those fans who paid quadruple and quintuple the actual price of their ticket, just waiting for the eventual playoff series between the two clubs...which never happened because in the playoffs the rest of the world learned what we already knew: Chicago just isn't very good this year. Instead, Dallas got to play the Blues. Two main issues with this series included Ruff's bold plan to try an upgrade of the neutral zone trap and play six players AND a goalie. The results were <a href="http://www.sbnation.com/nhl/2016/5/6/11607926/vladimir-tarasenko-goal-six-stars-blues-game-4-why-how-referees">less than desirable</a>. The second issue was the power play. I'd bury the power play with the rest of this team, but it was obvious Kurt Fraser had already taken it out back and buried it behind the House of Blues after the first round. Maybe it really is the Texas football ingrained in me that I discussed, but I've never wanted to decline penalties so much in my entire life. And like all good things, the Stars playoff journey ended, but...<br />
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Maybe we are the ones that need to be analyzed. Take a look at yourself in the mirror, ignore the glitter fragments left in your beard, those are never coming out. Take a really good look because this is where a blogger from some God foresaken city that actually experiences four seasons can't comprehend that we are all dead now too. Not from the stress of actually being in a game that has real implications or from one too many Segs & Bacon burgers, but the stress from wondering what will happen if <a href="http://www.defendingbigd.com/2013/3/14/4103904/dallas-stars-glass-banger-nick-moroch-white-jacket-american-airlines-center">Nick Moroch</a> touched the glass again. What did we expect from a fan base so entrenched and behind their team that the first comments of exuberation after the playoffs were set were "why do we have to play a game so late at night?" Well thankfully, due to all the bitching, the NHL scheduled some afternoon games that really helped our team out, so thank you for voicing your opinions. And best of all, now you don't have to complain about any start times since the Stars are dead.</div>
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So good riddance to the Dallas Stars of 2015-16. Put them in the ground and bring on 2016-17. And if you don't like what I wrote?</div>
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<b><span style="font-size: x-large;">WHO CARES?????</span></b></div>
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<i style="color: #817214; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; line-height: 22.4px;">As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and new Stars player burger ideas, or just <a href="http://www.twitter.com/damnitjason" style="color: #666666; text-decoration: none;">stalk me on Twitter</a> , because what better things do you have to do while at work? </i></div>
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Jasonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15421429344077085765noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7304762801129553052.post-22228240916603405202015-02-22T16:53:00.002-06:002015-02-22T16:53:58.824-06:0050 Shades of NBCSN: A Masochists Guide to Tonight
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I know I know, you’re not ready.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’re still reeling from last night’s venture to rock
bottom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No, you weren’t hit with
sports entertainment’s most electrifying superstar’s finishing move, though it
probably felt like it, and no you weren’t pounding down beer at a former local
brewery/restaurant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’re still
dealing with the proverbial punch to the balls/ovaries from the Stars/Red Wings
game.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Only a Leafs fan could
properly explain what it’s like to endure last night over and over again, but
it’s hard to get one to mutter anything remotely coherent as they’re all too busy
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2IiYaFN05yQ">putting pots and pans on their heads</a> and muttering stuff
about tanks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Probably not best to
mix with that conference anyway.</div>
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You need more time to rest. You need to be able to
recharge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hell, you need time for
the hangover to go away, but no, the NHL doesn’t care.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They not only want to bring you another
game today, but they want to broadcast it on NBC Sports Network.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes wonderful reader, the NHL does hate
you and wants you to know it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">Which brings us to tonight. You need to sit down and buckle up if you're looking to get through this game between the Dallas Stars and Minnesota Wild. First thing's first, NBC may well just spend 3 hours trying to figure out why the same team is playing itself. If that's the case, then there truly is no hope for any of us. </span></div>
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On the plus side, this is an excellent showcase for Jordie
Benn or whatever the hell NBC wants to call him today to increase his trade
value.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know some of you enjoy
the running jokes that he’s bad and needs to go, but look at these stats from a
week ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>With the trade deadline looming, I’m pretty sure we could easily fetch a
Shea Weber or similar especially signed at the low low cap hit of $700,000
through next season.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s the
biggest coup this side of Martin Erat and that one guy who does the thing on
the skates for Filip Forsberg. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Surely this piece of carefully researched and approved hockey
information will go far in aiding our attempt to get maximum trade value.</div>
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Sadly, that's about where the good news stops. The reality is, we need to prepare for tonight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not saying you should turn on the
Oscars were the acting will rival any hockey player not named Corey Perry or
Dustin Brown.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m also not saying
that you should watch three hours of wrestling that, even while scripted, probably
provides more of a surprise ending than the Devan Dubnyk shutout that will occur. What I'm saying is that you need to mentally and physically realize what is going to happen. We know Antoine is going to be called Dominic. We assume John Klingberg will get another Klingman reference. We would hand over our life savings to Vegas that they screw up something else factual if we could, but we'd never get the money line that they'd need to accept the bet. First and foremost, pick up a roll of duct tape. Aside from being able to fix many household issues, this will be the single most important item for the evening. Why? Because you're going to have someone tape your hands to the point where you can't pick up any sharp objects that you may want to hurt yourself with. Safety first! It will also double as an excellent mouth gag for when you want to start yelling profanities at the TV whether as a result of game play or the announcing. Best and most importantly of all, this mouth gag will double as an alcohol prevention device.</div>
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An alcohol <i>prevention</i> device? Why on earth would I recommend watching this game stone cold sober? I know many of you were driven to drink last night and I
respect that, but at the same time, you really need to do it responsibly. The last thing any of us wants is to
know the Stars can’t trade for Shea Weber because they have $100 million tied
up in litigation due to fans families suing for wrongful death on account of
alcohol poisoning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> So in the name of all that is Jamie Benn, I'm asking you to take one for the team tonight and lay off. If you can't, then maybe you should watch the Oscars after all. </span></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span><br /><span class="status-body"><span class="actions"><i>As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and non-alcoholic beverage ideas, or just <a href="http://www.twitter.com/damnitjason">stalk me on Twitter</a> , because what better things do you have to do while at work? </i></span></span></div>
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Jasonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15421429344077085765noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7304762801129553052.post-56741224246139879272011-11-01T21:27:00.000-05:002011-11-01T21:27:10.925-05:00Movember RainFor those of you that took Guns 'N Roses as the first title pun I'd ever use, please collect your 45,000,000 to 1 winnings. Anyway, if you can't tell yet, I am participating in Movember this year. For those living under a Mexican work boot, Movember is where a bunch of dudes, and that one lady from the circus, get together, shave their faces, and then grow some really bitching upper lip fuzz for an entire month all in the name of prostate cancer awareness/research. In joining this wonderful cause, I've banded together with some Dallas Stars fans in an effort to make sure everyone hear's our message (NOTE: It is unwise to treat this like the penis game. Yelling "prostate awareness" louder and louder isn't nearly as amusing.). That being said, here's a <a href="http://us.movember.com/mospace/1904882/">nifty link that I've been provided with so make sure you click on it</a> and give me half of your life savings or something. Worst case scenario just take your mom or dad's credit card and fork over what you can, I'm not greedy (I just want to beat everyone else).<br />
<br />
However, if that wasn't a convincing enough reason to donate, then I guess I will be forced to give you the top ten-ish reasons that you should sponsor me for Movember:<br />
<br />
10) It's tax deductible and everyone likes paying less taxes.<br />
9) The more you give, the more it grows...that's what she said?<br />
8) There's a really good chance that despite Crosby's head start, I can still grow something better than him by the end of day 2.<br />
7) If someone donates an insane amount of money, I might let them pick out which type of mustache I grow<br />
6) It's better to spend your money on the sponsorship than on the December 1st "Movember Souvenoir Hairs" auction that will take place on eBay.<br />
5) By donating you can at least feel quasi better about using the joke "I mustache you a question" all month long.<br />
4) I'd donate to your cause if it involved public humilation.<br />
3) Despite the name, it really has nothing to do with a crazy month long Mike Modano orgy...swearsies!<br />
2) I am willing to send a special mystery thank you gift to the top donation under my name. It might be homemade edible goodies, it might be some autographed memorabilia, it might be the unclaimed eBay mustache trimmings, YOU NEVER KNOW WITH THE MYSTERY PRIZE!<br />
1) Seriously people, it's for cancer research, help fix the world.<br />
<br />
Thanks again for all the support...and laughter.<br />
<br />
<span class="status-body"><span class="actions"><i>As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and DONATIONS!, or just <a href="http://www.twitter.com/damnitjason"><span style="color: black;">stalk me on Twitter</span></a> , because what better things do you have to do while at work? </i></span></span>Jasonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15421429344077085765noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7304762801129553052.post-73016023081695295022011-09-05T18:00:00.000-05:002011-09-05T18:00:40.547-05:00You Know You're a Stars Fan If...Well folks it's been a while. You see, here at Discard What You Don't Need we (and by "we" I mean "me," but it sounds more impressive if I have staff) went out and found important things to do during the day instead of pretending to work all the while surfing Twitter on our phones and playing Words With Friends non-stop. Yes sir, now there are important tasks at hand like peddling chicken and pork snouts. Suck on that old job at the Coconut Tree.<br />
<br />
Now this also means that I'm not around during the day anymore to enrich everyone's life with snarky comments about the NHL and specifically the Dallas Stars. So I'm going to just spill my thoughts here now without a fear of 140 character restrictions. And yes, it means I'm getting to this before the NHL does, feel free to launch your "premature" jokes all you want, but I'm having my lawyers come after you when you steal one of my jokes because no one should be subjected to this type of unfunny humor more than once. So without further ado, you know you're a Stars fan if...<br />
<br />
- ...you remember a time when Stars vs Oilers wasn't a lottery ball competition, but rather a playoff series given.<br />
- ...the torturous death you have planned for Tom Hicks makes the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J6l5-Rup-D4">revenge kill scene</a> in Law Abiding Citizen look like a relaxing day in the spa in comparison.<br />
- ...you've ever cracked a joke offering someone a <a href="http://www.dallasobserver.com/bestof/2000/award/best-bribe-19944/">billion dollars</a>.<br />
- ...you <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/theactivestick/status/103122143776210945">know what a Woywitka is</a>, but wish you didn't.<br />
- ...you're going to name all your children either Jamie or Benn regardless of their sex.<br />
- ...Martin Skoula (no really, that's the entire joke). <br />
- ...you can't hear all the crying regarding an alleged foot in a crease because it's being drowned out by Queen's "We Are The Champions." (Seriously though people, it was, but we don't care, and they sure as hell wouldn't have won the next game in Dallas is they won that OT game)<br />
- ...you're glad football season goes on during hockey season since it not only takes traffic away from Dallas, but it also means Jean-Jacques Taylor isn't going to write a single column about them until at least January or February.<br />
- ...you not only know there is a Fox Sports Plus, but have the channel number memorized for your cable provider.<br />
- ...the only reason you can laugh at the Patrik Stefan gaff is because you remember that we actually won that game in the SO.<br />
- ...you wish the Ambassador of Fun stuck to that job instead of signing <a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-e8QS3zz7390/Tk3J3_RXvSI/AAAAAAAAFwY/fbUXQ-ZQnok/s1600/Avery_alleged_taunt.jpg">douchebags</a> to deals we may or may not still be paying for.<br />
- ...you know his name is <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/BrianSutherby">Brian</a>, not Darren you moron.<br />
- ...you're terrified of the Ribiero/Ryder reunion because you have Turgeon/Young flashbacks.<br />
- ...you remember a time before Dan Ellis was a self absorbed money mongering ass and was just a back-up goalie. Oh...well, at least if you can remember that first part.<br />
- ...you celebrate <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zsXXpp65CQ">Cinco de Morrow</a>.<br />
- ...you knew Sergei Zubov was an insanely talented hockey player not just because of what he did on the ice, but because he was a pack-a-day cigarette fiend.<br />
- ...you received your complimentary <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dsc41szSwLM">Jeremy Roenick jaw fragment</a> courtesy of Derian Hatcher.<br />
- ...you know the most beautiful hip checks ever seen did not come from Rob Blake, but rather Craig Ludwig.<br />
- ...you never cared if Darryl Sydor played decent hockey in his second and third stints with the team because you knew his <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lO-Z3wPlZF0">level of dedication</a> after the 2000 Stanley Cup Finals.<br />
- ...you would have traded Matt Niskanen for the opportunity to be subjected to the ebola virus and still felt like you got the better end of the deal...by far.<br />
- ...you wanted Marc Crawford fired...like 5 minutes after he was hired.<br />
- ...you remember how amazing Reunion Arena was compared to the acoustical shit show that is the American Airlines Center.<br />
- ...you would have gone on a murderous rampage had Johnathan Cheechoo actually made the team in 2010.<br />
- ...you've ever had heart palpitations when Marty Turco went to play a puck.<br />
- ...you still giggle that we once employed a guy named Tugnutt (perhaps my friends only).<br />
- ...you're pissed that I haven't mentioned Richard Matvichuk, Neal Broten, Mark Tinordi, Andy Moog, Mike Keane, Jere Lehtinen, Joe Nieuwendyk, Bill Guerin, Kirk Muller, Brad Richards, Aaron Downey's fists of awesomeness, or Mike Modano among other former players, but truth is none of them did funny things.<br />
- ...you DON'T own a <a href="http://images.icanhascheezburger.com/completestore/2009/4/18/128845888491493934.jpg">Mooterus</a> jersey. Those things are just horrible and no real fan would have ever purchased one.<br />
<br />
<span class="status-body"><span class="actions"><i>As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and cell phone reminders so I can start posting again, or just <a href="http://www.twitter.com/damnitjason">stalk me on Twitter</a> , because what better things do you have to do while at work? </i></span></span>Jasonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15421429344077085765noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7304762801129553052.post-46885484045327240902011-04-09T01:51:00.001-05:002011-04-09T18:52:04.168-05:00And This Is What It's Come To...Dearest Red Wings,<br />
<br />
Do you mind if I call you Wingies? I want to ensure you're really comfy and satisfied with that. What about Wings McKings? That connotates royalty and thus rich and prosperous things. Ok, Wingies it is. Have I mentioned I've had a cocktail or two? Ya. Let's start this over fresh, since technically that's what this is all about: starting over.<br />
<br />
Dearest Wingies,<br />
<br />
Have I mentioned how handsome and amazing y'all are? Cause it's true.<br />
<br />
Let's start by just putting our past differences behind us. Those "Die in a fire" threats and "Dead Things" comments, I didn't mean any of those. I was just joshing! You know, like how Dustin Brown pretends he gets shot by a bullet whenever someone skates near him, it was all acting. But ya, I never meant a word of those things. Swearsies. I mean you do have Mike Modano playing for you. That's like the most favoritest Dallas Star in the entire world, thus A+++++, would cheer for again.<br />
<br />
Can I get y'all some slippers and a newspaper? Just an idea. I mean if you need anything you just let me know.<br />
<br />
Speaking of anything: remember when everyone in the world hated Todd Bertuzzi and I was the only moron that was willing to defend him in the sense that while I did not condone what he did, it was irresponsibility on both team's coaches as well as the refs part for what happened? Ya...you should probably reward me for that very high profile backing. I'm pretty sure I got a +1 on some forum boards for one of the comments I made. That's high quality praise right there Wingies.<br />
<br />
Anyway, enough flattery from me, I'm sure you get that from all the beautiful women that flock to your games as well as adoring fans. I thought that maybe, just maybe you might want to help out someone as wonderful and supportive of your organization as myself. How can you do this? It's really simple: rip the entrails from the lifeless bodies of the Blackhawks on Sunday...I mean, please beat them in regulation.<br />
<br />
Huh? You'd rather have them play the Canucks instead of us? Well what if I gave you a cookie as an enticement? It'll be a good one too, not something plain Jane like sugar. Oh no, we're talking something super delicious and exotic that would match your history. I'm thinking Chocolate octopus chunk cookies. Doesn't that sound yummy?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://linda.kovacevic.nl/uploads/Octopuscookies2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://linda.kovacevic.nl/uploads/Octopuscookies2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Close enough, right?</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
Just in case that amazing concoction doesn't sound appealing, I have taken the liberty of making a list of reasons why you <strike>would</strike>, nay!, should want to beat the Blackhawks:<br />
- They just beat you 4-2. How disrespectful!<br />
- Pretty sure the Bowman's hi-jacked my twitter account and said a lot of nasty things about you over the past year. Those jerks.<br />
- Mike Modano secretly still loves us...right? No? Oh.<br />
- Mike Modano would prefer to go through us in the playoffs after we defeat the Canucks for you. Isn't that better?<br />
- Do you really want that punk ass bitch Marian Hossa to have a chance at the playoffs again? After the shaft he gave you?<br />
- Because I'm writing you the most terrifical awesomest love letter ever, duh.<br />
<br />
I hope all these reasons were super compelling and that you will take my suggestion seriously.<br />
<br />
Much love,<br />
XOXOXO,<br />
Seriously though kill the Blackhawks for me,<br />
Jason<br />
<br />
<span class="status-body"><span class="actions"><i>As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and disinfectant so that I may cleanse myself after this post, or just <a href="http://www.twitter.com/damnitjason">stalk me on Twitter</a> , because what better things do you have to do while at work? </i></span></span>Jasonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15421429344077085765noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7304762801129553052.post-55967714820504405302011-04-04T22:56:00.000-05:002011-04-04T22:56:35.912-05:00Just Call Me ChampionWhen I set out to begin this hockey season I had a few objectives in mind (seriously, if I used the word "goals" I was going to have to punch myself in the nuts and serve a life sentence in pun jail):<br />
<br />
-Write about the atrocity that is the Dallas Stars defense (special thank yous to Jeff Woywitka and Matt Niskanen for making that a slam dunk)<br />
-Write about my hatred of Tom Hicks (it seems with everything coming out lately that others have done more than I ever could have put on paper)<br />
-Make at least two people laugh while reading a post...well...giggle...or at least smirk a little bit <br />
-Win some fantasy hockey leagues<br />
<br />
Yes, win some fantasy hockey leagues. Welcome my readers, I am a stat nerd. I usually get to the championship game in all my football leagues (we're just going to ignore this past season, like next year's, it doesn't exist) mainly because I don't look at player's names or what team they play for, I pick people based on historical statistical production. In hockey I find myself at a disadvantage because I have certain rules like never being allowed to draft a Red Wings player. Two years ago I gave that rule up realizing it was costing me dearly, and now look at me.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-lcBLCOLlLIQ/TZqSb7OkoII/AAAAAAAAAF0/L0woOC_WG-M/s1600/I+Whipper+Everyones+Candy+Asses.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="96" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-lcBLCOLlLIQ/TZqSb7OkoII/AAAAAAAAAF0/L0woOC_WG-M/s400/I+Whipper+Everyones+Candy+Asses.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>The sweetest Hat Trick ever</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<br />
Yep, that's not one, not two, but three blowout victories in the finals. I am what <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bl-hN9NKo38&feature=related">Darcy Tucker was to Sami Kapanen</a>: an absolute knock out. Ladies, I know you wish to send me your now moistened underwear, but please, I can only receive so many packages in the mail before the mailman gets suspicious and starts asking unnecessary questions.<br />
<br />
I'd like to thank everyone foolish enough for inviting me to be a part of their league. I hope that next season you dedicate the password naming rights to yours truly. It's gonna be simple, it's going to be epic, it's going to be "WoywitkaBlowsAss." Well that, or I expect three nice pretty trophies to show up at work tomorrow with my name engraved on them.<br />
<br />
Special thanks again to everyone who made "Benn There Done That," "A Flock of Segals," and "Niskanen Fodder" what they are today. And for the record, no I did not trade Brad Richards. Morons.<br />
<br />
<span class="status-body"><span class="actions"><i>As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and digital trophies, or just <a href="http://www.twitter.com/damnitjason">stalk me on Twitter</a> , because what better things do you have to do while at work? </i></span></span>Jasonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15421429344077085765noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7304762801129553052.post-63952528351625155652011-03-21T01:19:00.000-05:002011-03-21T01:19:56.729-05:00Straight Edge 101 - A Dedication to Down Goes SpezzaWell the Birthday Vacation week of Dallas Stars hockey didn't exactly pan out how I had hoped. Of the three games I was able to attend, the Stars had an abysmal record of 0-2-1, while the one game that I had an opportunity to go to, but decided against it was a 5-0 drubbing against the Hawks and, eventually, Marty Turco. This also means that my bet with Matt of Down Goes Spezza on the Flyers game has resulted in me telling all of you about why you should choose the Straight Edge lifestyle. Ya, it's like making Charlton Heston give you a speech on why guns are evil, but here I sit having to come up with a minimum of 500 words to inspire y'all to give up smoking and drugs and alcohol *cringe.* Hell, I even learned today that really hardcore followers (read: their screen names have a LOT of xXx's in them) give up sex and go to a vegetarian diet. Well here's the thing, I can't put those words in type. I can't. I'm sorry. But I suppose if I spoke them, then that wouldn't really be breaking the rules, now would it...<br />
<br />
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<br />
Cue the "Damn it Jason!" from Matt.<br />
<br />
<span class="status-body"><span class="actions"><i>As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and non-alcoholic beverage recipes, or just <a href="http://www.twitter.com/damnitjason">stalk me on Twitter</a> , because what better things do you have to do while at work? </i></span></span>Jasonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15421429344077085765noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7304762801129553052.post-47213949699486066242011-03-16T23:41:00.001-05:002011-03-18T15:57:51.995-05:00We've Got Podcasts, We've Got Podcasts, We've Got Lots and Lots of Podcasts. Podcastssssssssss...For those still paying attention to me and my few and far between ramblings and humor pieces, you may or may not have noticed I've slowly been popping up in areas you'd never expect. You know, somewhat similar to that rash that has been spreading across your body ever since you paid that Tiajuana hooker for a night you'd never forget, well at least you got a lovely take home prize. As you recall, aside from a guest Man Crush of The Week <a href="http://patrickkanesloosechange.blogspot.com/2010/12/man-crush-december-2nd.html">contribution</a> I've appeared on the now defunct Patrick Kane's Loose Change <a href="http://patrickkanesloosechange.blogspot.com/2010/11/pklc-podcast-pt-1.html">podcast</a>. Then there was my high point in appearing on the only <a href="http://www.upthepucks.com/2010/12/episode-12-bikes-second-franchise-in.html">podcast</a> to befriend people who obviously have no taste and dislike half off corndog promotions, <a href="http://www.upthepucks.com/">Up The Pucks</a>. Then last night <a href="http://downgoesspezza.com/">Down Goes Spezza</a> made the egregious mistake of allowing me to join him to discuss the upcoming Stars/Flyers game on Saturday, the insane landscape of the Western Conference, and my somehow defending of the NJ Devils in terms of them making the playoffs. Hint: It stems from the fact that Flyers fans hate them and I'd consumed 3 martinis prior to the conversation. Link to this podcast to be included once DGS stops bawling his eyes out over the latest Chris Pronger injury and gets around to clicking "upload." It's difficult people, I know.<br />
<br />
Now then, since I feel bad that I've merely sat here and whored myself out to y'all, I feel I owe you at least a shred of humor. Thus, I am going to attach a previously unreleased complaint e-mail that I wrote to the broadcasters of Up The Pucks due to the relatively tame and rather boring nature of my appearance on their show...oh ya, and the fact that I almost died thanks to a horrible idea of a drinking game that occurred simultaneously while the podcast was being recorded:<br />
<br />
<blockquote>Dear Gentlemen of Up The Pucks,<br />
<br />
You may recall that recently (read: last week) I was the special guest co-host on your esteemed and highly regarded podcast. First of all, I would like to thank you for such a generous offer. It was an absolute pleasure chatting with you both and one day I hope I am able to be a guest again. However, I wish to briefly address a serious issue that has become evident in listening to the episode. That is namely, that Johnnie Walker did not respond to my request to furnish me with a nice shiny royalty check. While I'm sure it's probably one giant misunderstanding in which their payroll department is lagging by a couple days, the consequences of them forcing their delicious blended scotchy goodness down my throat led to many unfortunately consequences of which I would like to share with you right now:<br />
<br />
1) Memory Loss - It obviously led me to forget how terrible Andrew Raycroft and the Dallas defense were since a good 5 minutes of the show was not devoted to jokes solely made about them.<br />
2) Altered Mood - In addition to my lack of previously mentioned jokes, their libation changed me from the fun loving, jovial, NHLOL creating person that you and your listeners know and love into a serious and apparently touching Jere Lehtinen tribute speaker.<br />
3) Lack of Proper Voice Function - As it was pointed out to me, multiple people thought I was unable to spell my own twitter name. Namely spelling the "Jason" portion as J-s-o-n. Upon further review from myself and the Toronto War Room, not only was the Brett Hull goal 100% good, but also the "A" got lost in my quick speaking.<br />
4) Midget Strippers - No, I did get down with midget strippers, but that is exactly the problem. If I am drinking such a classy concoction as Johnnie Walker scotch, I expect midget strippers to find ME...even if I am sitting at home recording a podcast.<br />
5) Lack of Product Diversity/Customer Knowledge - I'm sorry, but these distillers should realize that stupid promises will be made such as drinking anytime Matt from Down Goes Spezza mentions Chris Pronger and his marshmallowy gentle elbows to the head. Due to such actions, they should also create a much lower proof spirit in order to not cause permanent liver damage as well as loss of important brain cells such as those needed to recall that the New York Islanders are actually an NHL, and not an AHL, level team.<br />
<br />
In closing, I would like to point out that these five egregious results will make me remove them as my sponsor, and I will instead move along to a brand that truly understands my expectations moving forward (read: getting paid). Thank you again gentlemen and best of luck with your show this evening.<br />
<br />
Sincerely,<br />
Jason with an "A" </blockquote><br />
So ya, with that I leave you wishes for a fantastic <strike>St. Patrick's Day</strike> Official Jason Emerged From The Womb Day. May all your crappy domestic beer be green and your drunken hook-ups be STD free.<br />
<br />
<span class="status-body"><span class="actions"><i>As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and spare livers (I'll need them after today), or just <a href="http://www.twitter.com/damnitjason">stalk me on Twitter</a> , because what better things do you have to do while at work?</i></span></span>Jasonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15421429344077085765noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7304762801129553052.post-43912227312539576772011-01-31T00:36:00.000-06:002011-01-31T00:36:37.910-06:00NHLOL Special All-Star Game EditionIt seems that Team Lou-Rad did in fact beat out Team Sentiment in today's contest of no defense and lazy passes. Though it was much closer than my predicted score of 46-0, it was still an excellent victory in my opinion despite being tainted at the end by a horrific MVP selection. Mental note to the NHL: Next time you have fans elect players to the All-Star game and they only select them from 2 teams, don't let those same fans vote for the MVP. I'm actually stunned Crosby didn't somehow win in a landslide write-in vote. Anyway, I have deprived all of you long enough, I'm coming back at you with a special NHL All-Star Edition of NHLOL. Sit back, relax, enjoy, giggle, throw $100 bills at me, etc.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TUZYHvjeSLI/AAAAAAAAAFI/q4NEW17yKGs/s1600/Brent+Burns+baby.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TUZYHvjeSLI/AAAAAAAAAFI/q4NEW17yKGs/s320/Brent+Burns+baby.jpg" width="213" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TUZYHxDTxxI/AAAAAAAAAFM/pbJLjZWp0oQ/s1600/Chara+Hardest+Slap+Shot.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="156" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TUZYHxDTxxI/AAAAAAAAAFM/pbJLjZWp0oQ/s320/Chara+Hardest+Slap+Shot.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TUZYIa1KxcI/AAAAAAAAAFQ/0JPkf2wNiqg/s1600/Jeff+Skinner+Jailbait.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TUZYIa1KxcI/AAAAAAAAAFQ/0JPkf2wNiqg/s320/Jeff+Skinner+Jailbait.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TUZYIqMVfTI/AAAAAAAAAFU/UQYp1anNtrQ/s1600/Loui+Eriksson+is+God.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TUZYIqMVfTI/AAAAAAAAAFU/UQYp1anNtrQ/s320/Loui+Eriksson+is+God.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TUZYJFEg_kI/AAAAAAAAAFY/ogbmaDwuBaM/s1600/NHL+Guardians+are+terrible.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TUZYJFEg_kI/AAAAAAAAAFY/ogbmaDwuBaM/s320/NHL+Guardians+are+terrible.jpg" width="261" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TUZYJfqh5fI/AAAAAAAAAFc/-lRqhYrh3e8/s1600/No+Bruin+on+Bruin+Violence.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TUZYJfqh5fI/AAAAAAAAAFc/-lRqhYrh3e8/s320/No+Bruin+on+Bruin+Violence.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TUZYJp4RobI/AAAAAAAAAFg/vBGOqb-P-dE/s1600/Patrick+Sharp+makes+a+horrible+Loui+Eriksson.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TUZYJp4RobI/AAAAAAAAAFg/vBGOqb-P-dE/s320/Patrick+Sharp+makes+a+horrible+Loui+Eriksson.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TUZYKIabjoI/AAAAAAAAAFk/pVojI-lvbB8/s1600/Referees+for+decoration+only.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TUZYKIabjoI/AAAAAAAAAFk/pVojI-lvbB8/s320/Referees+for+decoration+only.jpg" width="263" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TUZYKWlamNI/AAAAAAAAAFo/YEI6sRrwZQA/s1600/St+Louis+Stamkos+Idiot.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TUZYKWlamNI/AAAAAAAAAFo/YEI6sRrwZQA/s320/St+Louis+Stamkos+Idiot.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TUZYK0cKbQI/AAAAAAAAAFs/MSE4A97wblY/s1600/Team+Lou-Rad+locker+room+lineup+board.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TUZYK0cKbQI/AAAAAAAAAFs/MSE4A97wblY/s320/Team+Lou-Rad+locker+room+lineup+board.jpg" width="211" /></a></div><br />
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<span class="status-body"><span class="actions"><i>As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and $100 bills (I was serious yo), or just <a href="http://www.twitter.com/damnitjason">stalk me on Twitter</a> , because what better things do you have to do while at work?</i></span></span>Jasonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15421429344077085765noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7304762801129553052.post-78557617819811648752011-01-20T20:26:00.000-06:002011-01-20T20:26:19.899-06:00An Apology to Kari LehtonenAnd I'm back. I think it's safe to peak out from behind the bullet proof glass and steel reinforced doors. Do y'all realize I haven't posted anything since 2010? That's last year everyone! *cue groans since everyone thought that joke wouldn't be used past the first week of 2011* Seriously though, it's been a rough one lately. After my last post, <a href="http://discardwhatyoudontneed.blogspot.com/2010/12/open-letter-kari-lehtonen.html">an open letter to Kari Lehtonen</a>, I had to be admitted into the witness protection program. Turns out the new slogan for Discard What you Don't Need should be "Pissing off Finnish people since December 12th, 2010." Never before have I spurned so much hate and anguish from an obviously sarcastic and tongue-in-cheek piece of humor in my life. For those unaware of what I speak of, I advise you to check the comments section of the linked post. I also suggest bringing an accompanying hammer with you so as to smash your toes one by one in an effort to lessen the pain, via distraction, of reading such horrible rebuttals to my comments. So with that, I'd actually like to apologize to Mr. Lehtonen as requested by Mr. Anonymous if I may:<br />
<br />
Dear Kari,<br />
<br />
I'm extremely sorry for everything I wrote that may have damaged your psyche in my previous blog post. I now realize why it is that you continuously take games off in the NHL. I know I know, you claim they are injuries, and I would too knowing what I now know. You come from a place full of stalking psychotic insane people. I mean who else would search Twitter for your name specifically, and then continuously demand apologies to you? Not only that, but get offended that I apparently didn't even insult you harshly enough. Don't worry, next time I decide to go after you, I'll be sure to consult some of the best and most experienced assholes on the face of the planet. But good golly Miss Molly, if I got that kind of backlash from a simple letter, I can only imagine what kind of phone calls, voicemails, texts, e-mails, and etchings burnt into your lawn you receive on a daily basis. Not to mention that apparently I insulted your native language and how difficult it is. My bad? I mean I did take 6 years of Japanese where they have three different alphabets. Fucking three! That's a plethora of alphabets, a hat trick even. Sorry that I dare insult the fact that you learned English as a second language. Did I mention I know Mandarin, Spanish, Hebrew, and some Italian too? Oh that's beside the point. We aren't talking about me, but rather you and your extremely difficult task of learning a second language. Phew. Glad you did otherwise I wouldn't get such gems as "<span class="sqq">I can't handle 10 games in two weeks, or whatever it would be.” Sorry to make you try some mental math there chief, that's always a doozy for any pro athlete.</span><br />
<span class="sqq"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="sqq">Oh, and FYI, I don't expect a response. I know you're a little tied up avoiding your own countrymen. Don't worry though, I'll have more NHLOL for you back on it's regular schedule. I know what motivates you.</span><br />
<span class="sqq"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="sqq">Lovingly,</span><br />
<span class="sqq">Kinda,</span><br />
<span class="sqq">Sorta,</span><br />
<span class="sqq">Maybe,</span><br />
<span class="sqq"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="sqq">Jason</span><br />
<span class="sqq"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="status-body"><span class="actions"><i>As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and fun creative names other than Anonymous, or just <a href="http://www.twitter.com/damnitjason">stalk me on Twitter</a> , because what better things do you have to do while at work?</i></span></span><span class="sqq"></span>Jasonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15421429344077085765noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7304762801129553052.post-67768043468934474222010-12-12T15:50:00.000-06:002010-12-12T15:50:40.913-06:00An Open Letter - Kari LehtonenDear Kari,<br />
<br />
First off, by Kari, I mean you Mr. Lehtonen. As much as I'd love to be writing a letter to <a href="http://www.newsgab.com/attachments/celebrity-pictures/201685d1249012037-kari-byron-shark-week-06_kari_byron_shark_bikini_radio_belly_800x600.jpg">Kari Byron</a>, I don't think the restraining order allows for such things. Now that we've established that you have to pay attention, let's get down to business shall we? I'm going to be direct and decisive here and hope that your grasp on the English language allows you to follow along: STOP GETTING FUCKING HURT! You see, I applaud you for not shredding your groin into 12 strands of spaghetti each week liek you did in Atlanta, so I suppose that is a great improvement. Sadly, the fact remains that you keep tweaking portions of your back and these tweaks have me greatly concerned. As much as I love watching Andrew Raycroft flop to the ice merely minutes before the puck is actually shot at him in order to make a valiant attempt at a save, I'd much rather have someone in net that has more poise and promise than a Vesa Toskala-in-training. True, Mr. Raycroft has received more goaltending hardware than you, but that was also back in the days when players had to get off season jobs to pay the bills and every <strike>retard</strike> athlete received some sort of trophy for participation so that they did not feel left out.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://img704.imageshack.us/img704/6423/racroftpulled.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="http://img704.imageshack.us/img704/6423/racroftpulled.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Yes Andrew, you actually let in that many.</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
I know you didn't think it was a huge deal when you decided a little extra rest might do your body good (Trademark - US cow milkers). I mean at the time Raycroft was one of the hottest backups in the NHL. He shutout the Sabres, he beat the best team in the NHL, and he had another win or honorary mention at making super easy glove saves look like ESPN Top 10 worthy material or something like that thrown in there. Unfortunately, that's when Raycroft suddenly snapped back to reality, much like many wrist shots were snapped by his prone body into the back of the net. I think we both now realize that the current fan/goaltender relationship just isn't going to work. So I need you to say your prayers and take your vitamins so you can be 100% and soon.<br />
<br />
In conclusion, get better so that one day I might go on a <a href="http://www.upthepucks.com/2010/12/episode-12-bikes-second-franchise-in.html">well respected podcast</a> and man crush all over you, like I did to the guy whose name is spelled eerily similar to yours, the day that you retire. <br />
<br />
Sincerely,<br />
Jason<br />
<br />
P.S. Seriously, go visit the podcast link. I said like two nice things about you.<br />
<br />
<span class="status-body"><span class="actions"><i>As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and future letter recipients, or just <a href="http://www.twitter.com/damnitjason">stalk me on Twitter</a> , because what better things do you have to do while at work?</i></span></span>Jasonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15421429344077085765noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7304762801129553052.post-15165499577467135082010-12-05T03:18:00.000-06:002010-12-05T03:18:25.023-06:00NHLOL 11/27-12/4Well I guess it's that time again where I slack off and don't post until late night. On a positive note, I got to attend the Stars/Capitals game on Thursday. Great game. I won't bore you with details, but Ovechkin managed to <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bgHZQG12kqg">embarrass himself</a> and then was the key contributor in the disallowed goal in the waning seconds of regular. Good job sir. Sadly, your horrible play is only making the force grow stronger in Sidney Crosby this year. You should probably do something about that, you know, like score some goals or something. Maybe that Stamkos guy will be reunited with St Louis and he'll be able to score goals again. Oh, and since it is a Stars blog and I've been very bad about general blogs lately, have no fear, Matt Niskanen is still the kind of horrific turnovers that lead to breakaways and/or goals. Keep up the good work Matty. Oh ya, and then, there's an impressionable young Brad Richards:<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TPtWSGkFqBI/AAAAAAAAAEI/VXQaFDfbekw/s1600/Brad+Richards+Alexandre+Daigle+poster.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TPtWSGkFqBI/AAAAAAAAAEI/VXQaFDfbekw/s1600/Brad+Richards+Alexandre+Daigle+poster.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Cause who wouldn't want to be like Alexandre Daigle?</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
And on that note, here we go with some more chuckles for the week:<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TPtXQvaeiZI/AAAAAAAAAEM/T05nvO0gA38/s1600/Calgary+Flames+Family.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TPtXQvaeiZI/AAAAAAAAAEM/T05nvO0gA38/s320/Calgary+Flames+Family.jpg" width="255" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TPtXROL4Y7I/AAAAAAAAAEQ/TwTYsBRlW7Q/s1600/Canucks+Air+Force+trouble.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="318" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TPtXROL4Y7I/AAAAAAAAAEQ/TwTYsBRlW7Q/s320/Canucks+Air+Force+trouble.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TPtXRkTyM_I/AAAAAAAAAEU/bVrDRUrYRa8/s1600/Car+Fowler+Statutory+Rape.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TPtXRkTyM_I/AAAAAAAAAEU/bVrDRUrYRa8/s320/Car+Fowler+Statutory+Rape.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TPtXVtaciYI/AAAAAAAAAEY/aAfRxuPo0Rs/s1600/Marc+Andre+Fleury+is+a+sour+puss.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="263" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TPtXVtaciYI/AAAAAAAAAEY/aAfRxuPo0Rs/s320/Marc+Andre+Fleury+is+a+sour+puss.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TPtXXkCtnCI/AAAAAAAAAEs/m2PokhQyGl8/s1600/Thrashers+Sign+Black+Players.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TPtXXkCtnCI/AAAAAAAAAEs/m2PokhQyGl8/s320/Thrashers+Sign+Black+Players.jpg" width="246" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TPtYhS4z9yI/AAAAAAAAAFA/qw9BNz0szNU/s1600/Going+steaking.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TPtYhS4z9yI/AAAAAAAAAFA/qw9BNz0szNU/s320/Going+steaking.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TPtXYGuitSI/AAAAAAAAAEw/EzBuVqcnn3I/s1600/Tim+Thomas+how+does+this+smell.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="223" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TPtXYGuitSI/AAAAAAAAAEw/EzBuVqcnn3I/s320/Tim+Thomas+how+does+this+smell.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><br />
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AP and other images via <a href="http://sports.yahoo.com/nhl">Yahoo!</a> and <a href="http://espn.go.com/nhl/">ESPN/Getty Images</a>.<span class="status-body"><span class="actions"><i> </i></span></span><br />
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<span class="status-body"><span class="actions"><i>As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and other Brad Richards sentimental pictures or just <a href="http://www.twitter.com/damnitjason">stalk me on Twitter</a> , because what better things do you have to do while at work?</i></span></span>Jasonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15421429344077085765noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7304762801129553052.post-67621773489456581162010-11-28T00:32:00.001-06:002010-11-28T00:54:46.026-06:00Shame on...So it seems lately I've been so focused on the good ole NHLOL posts, that I haven't given y'all a dose of what you used to come for: <strike>hardcore pornography</strike> humorous writing. To be honest, it's much easier to do a little work each night, than sit down and try to crank out a blog, particularly with how chaotic life has been. Thankfully for you, inspiration struck me at work, so here we go with another sentence starting scenario (sorry, I just wanted some alliteration for a second).<br />
<br />
Shame on __________:<br />
<br />
...Antti Niemi for tricking people into thinking he might actually be a decent goaltender after one night against the Blackhawks.<br />
...Tim Thomas for hoping to pull a Halak in the playoffs, only to never get the opportunity, so he decided to play like a man possessed in the regular season instead.<br />
...anyone who tried to say that Kari Lehtonen would snap something in his groin similar to the Thanksgiving day wishbone.<br />
...the sports media for wanting to award the New Jersey Devils a Stanley Cup opportunity. You are awarded no points, and may you be punished to only watch their hockey games for the rest of the season.<br />
...those same sports media people for thinking that the New York Islanders might finally be good after accumulating approximately 28 1st round picks over the past five years.<br />
...Charles Wang for firing a head coach who did better than anyone expected them too despite losing their top defenseman and second best forward before the season ever started. (Ed note: He should have fired whoever was in charge of the practice that they both got injured in. That guy is an idiot.)<br />
...anyone who reads Down Goes Brown and didn't realize that "<a href="http://www.downgoesbrown.com/2010/11/nhl-fans-guide-to-booing.html">he knows what he did</a>" would become reality just a few days later.<br />
...anyone that <a href="http://twitter.com/damnitjason/status/2913319887306752">doubted my theory</a> on Bettman ordering teams to score 8 goals a game in order to prolong ESPN highlights. ESPN spent almost 2 minutes with counters on the Tampa Bay/Philadelphia Flyers game.<br />
...Rick DiPietro for sucking like no tomorrow the one time he actually is able to remain healthy for a period of longer than seven seconds.<br />
...the 625 fantasy owners that gave up on Brian Elliott, unlike myself who kept him on my team and appreciated his kind return of a shutout today.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://img230.imageshack.us/img230/9507/brianelliottandreimarko.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="124" src="http://img230.imageshack.us/img230/9507/brianelliottandreimarko.png" width="640" /></a></div>...(on a similar topic) Pierre Gauthier for being a spineless conniving prick who refuses to acknowledge what the rest of the hockey world knows: that Andrei Markov is out for a long time. Just admit it and put him on IR already. I'd kinda like to add a defenseman you jackasses.<br />
...the St. Louis Blues, one of the best defensive teams in the league, for allowing the Stars horrific road power play to score for the first time since October 9th, 2010 - a span of 50 days.<br />
...Sean Avery, not for having a rule named after him, but as should be expected involving anything associated with him, using it incorrectly, thus costing the Flyers a victory.<br />
...<a href="http://theactivestick.wordpress.com/">talented Montreal Canadiens bloggers</a> for blaming their lack of posts on "internet issues," instead of doing what the cool kids do such as blaming it on hectic work schedules and life.<br />
...Toronto Maple Leafs fans for assuming them acquiring Brad Richards is a mere formality. Dallas is currently 3rd in the Western Conference (I'll give you a moment to recover from the shock of reading that, but it's true) and last time I checked, your lack of 1st round draft picks means that there's only <a href="http://mapleleafshotstove.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/1lukeschenn1.jpg">one viable trading option</a> that we'd go for.<br />
...The Boston Bruins for not acquiring Gregory Campbell sooner. No way Colin would have allowed them to choke away a 3-game, 3-goal lead last season. <br />
...me for phoning in this blog post like Mike Modano did the last few years in Dallas, instead of posting the weekly NHLOL pics since it is Saturday. In respect of that, I leave you with one:<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TPHvQdRZ_vI/AAAAAAAAAEE/igEJhSdLnZc/s1600/Wayne+Simmonds+Black+Friday+Saturday.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="206" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TPHvQdRZ_vI/AAAAAAAAAEE/igEJhSdLnZc/s320/Wayne+Simmonds+Black+Friday+Saturday.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
AP and other images via <a href="http://sports.yahoo.com/nhl">Yahoo!</a> and <a href="http://espn.go.com/nhl/">ESPN/Getty Images</a>.<span class="status-body"><span class="actions"><i> </i></span></span><br />
<br />
<span class="status-body"><span class="actions"><i>As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and what else I should be ashamed for, or just <a href="http://www.twitter.com/damnitjason">stalk me on Twitter</a> , because what better things do you have to do while at work?</i></span></span>Jasonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15421429344077085765noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7304762801129553052.post-38353964651372652492010-11-25T01:30:00.001-06:002010-11-25T01:46:38.250-06:00What Are You Thankful For?Well, it's time for everyone in America to once again tell themselves they are only going to nosh a little bit, and instead end up in a turkey squared coma (actual turkey and Wild Turkey). As many of you know, a yearly tradition is to mention what one is thankful for in their lives before the big feast begins. I'm here to give you some of the things I'm thankful for this year. As a serious heads up, we're gonna mix it up more than Dan Bylsma does wingers for Sidney Crosby. By that, I mean not everything will be about hockey. I wouldn't worry though. I think y'all will be fine.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TO365R9YiqI/AAAAAAAAAEA/ywJU5SDt2bI/s1600/Melissa-D-Arabian-Thanksgiving-Feast-Prepared.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TO365R9YiqI/AAAAAAAAAEA/ywJU5SDt2bI/s400/Melissa-D-Arabian-Thanksgiving-Feast-Prepared.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>The Official holiday of Kyle Wellwood - Appetizer spread only pictured.</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table><b>I Am Thankful...</b><br />
<br />
- ...that I get to watch a sports league run by a competent commissioner that is devoted to marketing the sport to millions of fans. A commish that has a top-notch staff of loyal, devoted, and most importantly, honest and unbiased individuals working for him in order to protect the league's highest integrity in all matters.<br />
- ...that one day Gary Bettman might learn something from the aforementioned league. <br />
- ...that despite most food packages having pictures on the label of what they contain, Gerber does not in fact have ground up babies inside.<br />
- ...that I have an irrational fear of taxi cabs, and thus will likely never get into as much trouble as an NHL player.<br />
- ...that it's time for everyone to make delicious delicious pecan pie (my absolute favorite).<br />
- ...that Martin Brodeur's pie eating elbow is currently injured, thus I know my pie is 100% safe.<br />
- ...that I don't own a purse, because if I did some moron might try to sell me a <a href="https://www.kangarookeeper.com/">Kangaroo Keeper.</a><br />
- ...that I know one day Tom Hicks will sell the Dallas Stars. (Turn in Hanukah time when I wish for the sale of the team for all 8 nights)<br />
- ...that at least 41 games in the NHL season are played at home, otherwise the Stars may never score another power play goal again.<br />
- ...that I should never have to drink $10 a bottle scotch ever again...EVER.<br />
- ...that I've met some really cool people on twitter who were able to enrich my life. That poutine bot just LOVES me to pieces.<br />
- ...that Paul Bissonette has yet to severely injure his hands in a fight. That would certainly make for rather difficult tweeting. <br />
- ...that one day I will once again get head in a place other than a beer glass.<br />
- ...that I do not have to deal with womanly issues such as cramps, mood swings, hot flashes, and receiving pictures of Brett Favre's ding-a-ling. <br />
- ...that someone, somewhere in Dallas will do something so incredibly stupid during a sporting event, that it will make the news. Every now and then, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2kcpTmheM4">it's a defensive player too</a>.<br />
- ...that pro wrestling is fake, because if anyone like The Miz ever became a UFC champion, I'd have to stop watching the sport.<br />
- ...that it was once again proven that money can buy you players, but that doesn't necessarily translate into wins. Lou Lamoriello might want to call Glen Sather to find out how this story ends. (<span style="color: red;">SPOILER ALERT: <span style="color: black;"></span></span>It ends with an extremely overpaid enforcer and a lack of anything that resembles a hockey team). <br />
- ...that we're on the topic of fantasy hockey teams, because I'm doing rather well in my Yahoo leagues including two that I am essentially running away with. Moral of the story? Always draft with a group of Dallas Stars fans. Sadly, I have realized they know absolutely nothing about hockey.<br />
- ...that I can marinate my seafood in a combination of extra virgin olive oil, fresh herbs, garlic, and lemon instead of not-so-tasty BP oil. <br />
- ...that the Sedins play far far away from here. The last time we even had one half of a Swedish set of twins in this state, I almost lost a girlfriend due to an obsession. <br />
- ...that the Chicago Blackhawks defensemen have welcomed Turco so much to their team, that they too have stopped playing defense in order to make him feel at home.<br />
- ...knowing that even if my team fails to make the playoffs, they probably will still rank 5th overall in the Eastern Conference. <br />
- ...that Snooki has not had a sex tape released nationwide.<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"> </span></span><br />
- ...that I started this blog assuming it would be a train wreck of epic proportions, and yet people still find me amusing enough to get to the final line of the post. Happy Thanksgiving to everyone in the US, happy Thursday to everyone elsewhere, and a heart felt thank you for taking time out of your schedules to read what I have to write.<br />
<br />
Now get the hell off my lawn before I spray you with the hose.<br />
<br />
<span class="status-body"><span class="actions"><i>As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and your favorite Thanksgiving side dish, or just <a href="http://www.twitter.com/damnitjason">stalk me on Twitter</a> , because what better things do you have to do while at work?</i></span></span>Jasonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15421429344077085765noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7304762801129553052.post-7120272116562658022010-11-24T02:15:00.001-06:002010-11-24T03:12:32.224-06:00NHLOL 11/12 - 11/22So I've promised a post twice. I ended up mingling with the real world both nights. Sue me...unless you're really a lawyer, then I'm just joshing, I don't really want to deal with a law suit. Anyway, lots of ups and downs this week. Most of which have been downs, such as the Dallas Stars loss to Toronto which led me to <a href="http://bit.ly/gSoELs">do things I never wish upon my own worst enemy</a>. Anywho, you didn't come here to laugh at me...*eyebrow raise*...you can here to laugh with me. So on with the funnies...I think.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TOzJO2zLK_I/AAAAAAAAAD8/tmitoEImxBg/s1600/Dallas+Stars+defensemen+suck+-+Trevor+Daley.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="202" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TOzJO2zLK_I/AAAAAAAAAD8/tmitoEImxBg/s320/Dallas+Stars+defensemen+suck+-+Trevor+Daley.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
AP and other images via <a href="http://sports.yahoo.com/nhl">Yahoo!</a> and <a href="http://espn.go.com/nhl/">ESPN/Getty Images</a>.<span class="status-body"><span class="actions"><i> </i></span></span><br />
<br />
<span class="status-body"><span class="actions"><i>As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and Songs you'd like me to reference, or just <a href="http://www.twitter.com/damnitjason">stalk me on Twitter</a> , because what better things do you have to do while at work?</i></span></span>Jasonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15421429344077085765noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7304762801129553052.post-88444964833699189412010-11-14T17:52:00.001-06:002010-11-14T17:58:21.802-06:00Toto, We're Not In Dallas AnymoreHow bout them <strike>Cowboys</strike> Stars? Well, to be perfectly honest, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDAq5tyfk9E">they are who we thought they were</a>. They currently sit in a tie for 12th place with the Minnesota Wild with 16 points in 15 games. The last time the Stars received a point? Oh ya, that's back when Kovalchoke wasn't scoring at all and giving us a good laugh on a nightly basis: November 5th in Dallas in the drubbing of the Coyotes. That was also one night after the amazingly well played 5-2 win over the Penguins, also at home. Then things went bad. The Stars left the comfort and familiarity of the American Airlines Center (I'm sure the 200 fans that showed up each night were crushed), and went to add to their absolutely atrocious 4% road power play. That isn't a typo. I didn't leave off a "1" at the beginning. It's 1 for 25. That means it's been over a month since the Stars found the back of the net in an advantage situation. Only the Devils sport a worse road power play than the Stars. My question is, when you're on the man advantage, or even two-man advantage as there were a few times, doesn't shooting a puck at the net accidentally go in more than 4% of the time?<br />
<br />
Sadly, I'm not even as upset about that as I should be. Oh no. We went from the most explosive offense in the NHL to scoring 3 goals in three away games. That isn't really going to get the job done unless you're playing supreme defense, which, oh ya, finally proved they are as bad as I thought. Trust me, if I had the ability to replace Nik Grossman during the Getzlaf goal with a ballerina doing a pirouette I'd be all over it. God forbid the Stars play the Wings anytime soon because Tomas Holmstrom will be allowed to drop anchor in front of Lehtonen for as long as it takes Khabibulin to drop his <a href="http://sports.yahoo.com/nhl/players/1174">GAA under 3.5</a>...which means he'll be there a while. Seriously, where is Derian Hatcher to physically pick someone up and relocate them when you need it? Or better yet, where is Ed Belfour to gently <a href="http://www.detroithockey.net/multimedia/97.jpg">encourage you to move</a> in a way only he can? Plain and simple, if Lehtonen sees you coming, you aren't scoring, but if the core of 6 turnstiles on the ice each night want to let everyone do what they want in front of the net, then it's going to be a long season.<br />
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Oh, and I'm sure y'all want comments regarding the <strike>blatant LA Kings diving</strike> penalty filled game against the Kings and all, but instead of attempting that and ending up with bloody damaged sheet rock in my house, I'm going to give y'all some bonus NHLOL from the previous week that didn't make it in because I'm stupid and saved them in the wrong spot. Enjoy.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TOB1jpvIvqI/AAAAAAAAACo/pckLUhUuOMU/s1600/Andrew+Raycroft+Blown+Save.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="209" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TOB1jpvIvqI/AAAAAAAAACo/pckLUhUuOMU/s320/Andrew+Raycroft+Blown+Save.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TOB1jwBa1qI/AAAAAAAAACs/LMZuplb9Abs/s1600/Dustin+Brown+Holy+Diver.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TOB1jwBa1qI/AAAAAAAAACs/LMZuplb9Abs/s320/Dustin+Brown+Holy+Diver.jpg" width="208" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TOB1kVpl2NI/AAAAAAAAACw/_zrAHjgWeR8/s1600/Luongo+Chest+Paint+Schneider.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="205" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TOB1kVpl2NI/AAAAAAAAACw/_zrAHjgWeR8/s320/Luongo+Chest+Paint+Schneider.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TOB1k5eyDOI/AAAAAAAAAC0/1Vr-lfzlMmg/s1600/Zenon+Konopka+Attack.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TOB1k5eyDOI/AAAAAAAAAC0/1Vr-lfzlMmg/s320/Zenon+Konopka+Attack.jpg" width="260" /> </a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TOB1sCrwAeI/AAAAAAAAAC4/dnxhhhK08ic/s1600/Snickers+Maple+Leafs.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TOB1sCrwAeI/AAAAAAAAAC4/dnxhhhK08ic/s320/Snickers+Maple+Leafs.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div>AP and other images via <a href="http://sports.yahoo.com/nhl">Yahoo!</a> and <a href="http://espn.go.com/nhl/">ESPN/Getty Images</a>.<br />
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<span class="status-body"><span class="actions"><i>As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and Dustin Brown diving excuses/rebutals, or just <a href="http://www.twitter.com/damnitjason">stalk me on Twitter</a> , because what better things do you have to do while at work?</i></span></span>Jasonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15421429344077085765noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7304762801129553052.post-55058318222064933882010-11-11T19:02:00.001-06:002010-11-14T17:55:14.859-06:00NHLOL 11/5-11/11Well despite work taking up a ton of my time and drastically cutting down on posts, I have been keeping up with photos, so it's another edition of NHLOL, this time complete with a college hockey joke! I know it's before Caturday, but let's face it, the only pussy that's gonna show up in one of these images is Sidney Crosby. So before the Stars get destroyed by the #1 team in the Western Conference tonight, let's have some laughs:<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNyQr-4n_8I/AAAAAAAAABs/5Bpre4i8k2o/s1600/Carey+Price+you+dun+goofed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNyQr-4n_8I/AAAAAAAAABs/5Bpre4i8k2o/s320/Carey+Price+you+dun+goofed.jpg" width="283" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNyQsc8qW2I/AAAAAAAAABw/Jxx7yt2FARw/s1600/Carolina+Hurricanes+Ice+Girls+Pimping.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="232" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNyQsc8qW2I/AAAAAAAAABw/Jxx7yt2FARw/s320/Carolina+Hurricanes+Ice+Girls+Pimping.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNyQsvE0iNI/AAAAAAAAAB0/bJh9_ry-WrA/s1600/CC+sucks.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="282" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNyQsvE0iNI/AAAAAAAAAB0/bJh9_ry-WrA/s320/CC+sucks.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Sorry, as a DU grad it had to be said.</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNyQtB4dw4I/AAAAAAAAAB4/kgFBT65XIiU/s1600/Claude+Julien.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNyQtB4dw4I/AAAAAAAAAB4/kgFBT65XIiU/s320/Claude+Julien.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNyQtg1QrDI/AAAAAAAAAB8/xlN4LsYhfyk/s1600/Coming+for+Hal+Gills+car.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="204" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNyQtg1QrDI/AAAAAAAAAB8/xlN4LsYhfyk/s320/Coming+for+Hal+Gills+car.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNyQuENC_4I/AAAAAAAAACA/ExkLHr5h8uc/s1600/Devils+goal+against.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNyQuENC_4I/AAAAAAAAACA/ExkLHr5h8uc/s320/Devils+goal+against.jpg" width="273" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNyQusl0psI/AAAAAAAAACE/YUyJPciu_gQ/s1600/Flying+V.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="250" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNyQusl0psI/AAAAAAAAACE/YUyJPciu_gQ/s320/Flying+V.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNyQvcx0jHI/AAAAAAAAACI/YsomgMxr2sE/s1600/Getzlaf+is+my+hero.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="231" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNyQvcx0jHI/AAAAAAAAACI/YsomgMxr2sE/s320/Getzlaf+is+my+hero.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNyQvxU5oZI/AAAAAAAAACM/Dmcaj0E6qAE/s1600/Hockey+Human+Centipede.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="253" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNyQvxU5oZI/AAAAAAAAACM/Dmcaj0E6qAE/s320/Hockey+Human+Centipede.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNyQwHvch8I/AAAAAAAAACQ/bZvxtFtDCIA/s1600/Invisible+Banana+Peel.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNyQwHvch8I/AAAAAAAAACQ/bZvxtFtDCIA/s320/Invisible+Banana+Peel.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNyQwsegSzI/AAAAAAAAACU/zyhNZ4tDB28/s1600/Matt+Carkner+Colton+Orr+kid.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="233" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNyQwsegSzI/AAAAAAAAACU/zyhNZ4tDB28/s320/Matt+Carkner+Colton+Orr+kid.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNyQxBss56I/AAAAAAAAACY/YIEBwpxPPJ0/s1600/NHL+dental+insurance.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNyQxBss56I/AAAAAAAAACY/YIEBwpxPPJ0/s320/NHL+dental+insurance.jpg" width="235" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNyQxuwc3cI/AAAAAAAAACc/PZi06VIDAXo/s1600/Panthers+Win+rat.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNyQxuwc3cI/AAAAAAAAACc/PZi06VIDAXo/s320/Panthers+Win+rat.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNyQyWf1eqI/AAAAAAAAACg/KBLbjAZdvh4/s1600/Peter+Budaj+Goaltending.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNyQyWf1eqI/AAAAAAAAACg/KBLbjAZdvh4/s320/Peter+Budaj+Goaltending.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNyQzPFuShI/AAAAAAAAACk/MScTbWO5trY/s1600/Quenville+opera+solo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="211" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNyQzPFuShI/AAAAAAAAACk/MScTbWO5trY/s320/Quenville+opera+solo.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
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AP and other images via <a href="http://sports.yahoo.com/nhl">Yahoo!</a> and <a href="http://espn.go.com/nhl/">ESPN/Getty Images</a>.<br />
<br />
<span class="status-body"><span class="actions"><i>As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and crisp brand new $100 bills, or just <a href="http://www.twitter.com/damnitjason">stalk me on Twitter</a> , because what better things do you have to do while at work?</i></span></span>Jasonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15421429344077085765noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7304762801129553052.post-67809792389969031982010-11-06T03:29:00.001-05:002010-11-14T17:57:57.551-06:00NHLOLIt's Caturday, and what better way to spend it than posting pictures of adorable, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=47D9-U8hn5I">lovable kitten videos</a>? Ok, so maybe that wasn't exactly lovable. Well in that case it's time for the first ever DWYDN NHLOL (holy crap that's more caps than you'll find past the first round of the NHL playoffs). It's a little feature I'd like to adapt from <a href="http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/?s=LOLNFL">Kissing Suzy Kolber's LOLNFL</a>. It's basically a take on the famous LOLCats, but at Discard What You Don't Need, our motto is more hockey, less pussy (Mental Note: Find a better motto that does not have alternative, yet unfortunately true meanings)<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNURJUriXqI/AAAAAAAAABA/dnIEkeulNkQ/s1600/Ground+and+pound.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="233" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNURJUriXqI/AAAAAAAAABA/dnIEkeulNkQ/s320/Ground+and+pound.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNURJjtQAKI/AAAAAAAAABE/kWEcNJDyfZ4/s1600/Invisible+microphone.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNURJjtQAKI/AAAAAAAAABE/kWEcNJDyfZ4/s320/Invisible+microphone.jpg" width="266" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNURKCvgiBI/AAAAAAAAABI/DBEG4J3BL0I/s1600/Kari+skin+rug.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="144" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNURKCvgiBI/AAAAAAAAABI/DBEG4J3BL0I/s320/Kari+skin+rug.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNURKo226vI/AAAAAAAAABM/nQ3eIC6YQA8/s1600/Lehtonen+safety+pads.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="259" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNURKo226vI/AAAAAAAAABM/nQ3eIC6YQA8/s320/Lehtonen+safety+pads.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNURTcLTrZI/AAAAAAAAABQ/RXaF7h4Zk_Q/s1600/Bobby+Ryan+spread+eagle.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="227" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNURTcLTrZI/AAAAAAAAABQ/RXaF7h4Zk_Q/s320/Bobby+Ryan+spread+eagle.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNURVlF0vqI/AAAAAAAAABU/FERJkM2pu3E/s1600/Got+yer+nose.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="204" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNURVlF0vqI/AAAAAAAAABU/FERJkM2pu3E/s320/Got+yer+nose.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNURYvWuKUI/AAAAAAAAABY/FBMw7rAS7bM/s1600/Habs+players.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNURYvWuKUI/AAAAAAAAABY/FBMw7rAS7bM/s320/Habs+players.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNURbax1bYI/AAAAAAAAABc/JKQ65FE1hNU/s1600/Maclean+buy+a+win.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="210" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNURbax1bYI/AAAAAAAAABc/JKQ65FE1hNU/s320/Maclean+buy+a+win.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNURdO4MFVI/AAAAAAAAABg/Arn_ikr6CFQ/s1600/Carcillo-achu.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="209" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNURdO4MFVI/AAAAAAAAABg/Arn_ikr6CFQ/s320/Carcillo-achu.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNURfdnUjuI/AAAAAAAAABk/0cR0A2xFA6g/s1600/Died+in+your+arms+tonight.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNURfdnUjuI/AAAAAAAAABk/0cR0A2xFA6g/s320/Died+in+your+arms+tonight.jpg" width="211" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNURgRbwqWI/AAAAAAAAABo/oONusKo9Fss/s1600/Red+wings+suck.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="223" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TNURgRbwqWI/AAAAAAAAABo/oONusKo9Fss/s320/Red+wings+suck.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
That's a wrap kids. I hope you only sing <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ua26qTEK25U">Cutting Crew</a> a maximum of three times after seeing these, but if it's more, it's ok. It could have been a Corey Hart song.<br />
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AP and other images via <a href="http://sports.yahoo.com/nhl">Yahoo!</a> and <a href="http://hockey-shots.smugmug.com/">Hockey-Shots</a>. <br />
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<span class="status-body"><span class="actions"><i>As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and Caturday fun, or just <a href="http://www.twitter.com/damnitjason">stalk me on Twitter</a> , because what better things do you have to do while at work?</i></span></span>Jasonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15421429344077085765noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7304762801129553052.post-10887736496447496002010-11-05T03:01:00.000-05:002010-11-05T03:01:59.883-05:00DWYDN Goes PodcastWell folks, the fabulous writers over at <a href="http://patrickkanesloosechange.blogspot.com/">Patrick Kane's Loose Change</a> invited me to their <a href="http://patrickkanesloosechange.blogspot.com/2010/11/pklc-podcast-pt-2.html">first ever Podcast</a> last Friday night, and tonight you get to listen to 15 minutes of the epic hour and a half conversation. Why 15 minutes? Because apparently the only times I'm amusing is when I'm not talking about hockey, and God forbid you all have access to that. Regardless, you should still take a listen. I'll wait. Hell, I'll listen too.<br />
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Oh wow. I sound boring as all hell (Note to self: send death threats to the audio editor). Next time I promise not to get put on the hot seat and have question after question be asked to me. I felt like someone was going to ask me if I was an expert. Thankfully, I did watch the tape, so we're all good.<br />
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Moving on, I apologize for the lack of posts, particularly with those really long named weekly awards. I'm thinking those might go on hiatus until we can get some better (read: shorter and catchier) names. Names like "The Brad," though halfway through the season that might have to change to "The 1st round draft pick, highly touted prospect, and maybe a roster player if we're lucky." The good news, is that this weekend will mark the first of the feature I really wanted to do instead: NHLOL. That's right Boys and Girls, it's like <a href="http://icanhascheezburger.com/">LOLCats</a> except we have hockey players instead of cats. Sounds thrilling, because it is.<br />
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<span class="status-body"><span class="actions"><i>As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and captionable photos, or just <a href="http://www.twitter.com/damnitjason">stalk me on Twitter</a> , because what better things do you have to do while at work?</i></span></span>Jasonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15421429344077085765noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7304762801129553052.post-66107888640003442942010-10-29T04:31:00.000-05:002010-10-29T04:31:02.163-05:00Dallas Stars Drinking GameWell Boys and Girls, it's time again for another wonderful post. This afternoon I came across one of my good friend's Down Goes Spezza's blog regarding the <a href="http://downgoesspezza.blogspot.com/2010/10/drink-up-official-flyers-2010-2011.html?showComment=1288299618694_AIe9_BH84OHbUp6YjVxtvNBsMT1WjDUczzLFooFclNDByKwD5aRtHYsfC2Zusg8aR_cfy3GIzBuRUxDG_FJE9M4vsnsmYqgv7GjzL6xJ_M-hYFFf9ELDzv0mc4jhgcq89RHI52cb4XsHM64ypCLYPiYtCxvyQfrOSJpKYo5Bk8fXCnafpRbSYGtstEElpJHceJ0FpJ7Wginqq-Mj02n1L9evkR7oL32p4uj7b8m4bQBAsy_g7f7fhtVw0Ru5uwCJEekjzUIHVZ6NgIOb9NsXaV69AFoFmJrjDjSrklf4quSHigqs0e5ZNBTN4a3ta7vUPD8QC3DkGOA7PYSq-DXOfaipmwEiwTIznBP8Dnu85lM_vsod_1lsuF_PNaiRV55LUoP3pBY8vI4z4ZxVDZQk4I7Lb3hLJVGtoQJ-BlPYYqLGRMp0GDSZxeKgRQ6VoH1UAO-zrKUjML-lirujvXKftYG9PEs7MVWt0ol8lvgJUZGtc5C5QIw-YhBXILeaE8Uv6ThzeAw8ML0bz7hTLffC2ITzq0i23DN95A#c6033339765787856023">Flyer's Drinking Game</a>. This stemmed from a similar blog post from <a href="http://www.twitter.com/Real_PeterEvans">Peter Evans</a> regarding his own <a href="http://hoosierhockey.wordpress.com/2010/09/03/the-hoosier-hockey-drinking-game/">NHL Drinking Game</a>. Personally, I thought this was a great game if your friends aren't complete hockey morons like mine are. In other words, I'd like to have a drink before I die of thirst in that game. So what goes into a Dallas Stars drinking game? Glad you asked!<br />
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- I would offer up a sip of beer every time Kari Lehtonen makes a save, but the goal is to enjoy the game, not try to have a <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Power_hour">power hour</a> during the first period.<br />
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- Every time a Dallas defenseman makes a boneheaded play, drink. I highly recommend driving to Oklahoma to purchase 3.2% beer prior to this, otherwise you will be drunk before warm ups are over.<br />
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- On the same token, when Trevor Daley eventually tries to over-play on offense and screws up, find a bottle of your favorite Russian vodka (if I had to choose I'd say Stoli or Imperia) and drink until he starts to resemble <a href="http://sports.yahoo.com/nhl/players/704/career;_ylt=ApALTlDbtb36AseJ_aRUMplivLYF">Sergei Zubov.</a> (Ed note: This will likely result in liver failure, so please proceed at your own risk)<br />
<br />
- Before the game begins, everyone picks five obscure phrases. If any of these quotes are used by <a href="http://sports.yahoo.com/nhl/blog/puck_daddy/post/Let-the-campaign-begin-now-Daryl-Reaugh-for-NBC?urn=nhl-165442">Darryl Reaugh</a> during the broadcast, everyone else finishes their drink. Hell, if any of them are used, you win at life.<br />
<br />
- If you are watching during the upcoming Dallas/Buffalo game this Saturday, anytime a Sabres players shoots right of the net, have them take a shot of something strong, then make them watch <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BCHZFwDCNyA">this</a>.<br />
<br />
- During the same game, anytime you recognize a player on the Sabres other than Ryan Miller, take a drink. This applies to Sabres fans as well cause honestly I don't even think they know.<br />
<br />
- <strike>When</strike> If the Stars pull of a successful penalty kill (12 PPG against in 36 times short handed), have a drink because a miracle has obviously occurred, and you deserve to celebrate.<br />
<br />
- When a legal hit is made, take a drink if Bob McKenzie, Darren Dreger, Pierre LeBrun, or other well respected sports figures start writing about the possibility that it could be a suspension. If drinking liquor, you should probably grab a 1.75L for this one.<br />
<br />
- If Marc Crawford accidentally remembers he has four lines and lets them all get playing time, drink until you forget that line exists.<br />
<br />
- If Fabian Brunnstrom is actually playing in the game you are watching take three drinks in honor of the number of goals he scored in his first NHL game, which is ironically the same number of goals in his entire NHL career.<br />
<br />
- If the attendance on your couch is larger than the attendance at a Stars home game, take a drink. Not exactly for you, but in honor of whatever dollar Tom Hicks thought he had left in this world.<br />
<br />
It should be noted that myself and Discard What You Don't Need does not endorse any use of this game in actuality. It would obviously pose a health risk to anyone of legal drinking age. Please do not participate in this game if you are, or think you may be, pregnant. Basically that means if you're 20 or younger have at it kiddies.<br />
<br />
<span class="status-body"><span class="actions"><i>As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and beer, or just <a href="http://www.twitter.com/damnitjason">stalk me on Twitter</a> , because what better things do you have to do while at work?</i></span></span>Jasonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15421429344077085765noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7304762801129553052.post-16124040540449818622010-10-26T01:40:00.000-05:002010-10-26T01:40:51.065-05:00Awards For the Week Ending 10/24/10Ladies and gentlemen (and knowing my readers, I use these terms EXTREMELY loosely..."sluts and assholes" just seems a too bit harsh), I am once again back in Dallas which means not only do I once again have an internet connection, but I also get the opportunity to witness a home team get outplayed horrifically, yet still win games (obviously I'm not talking about the 1-5 Dallas Cowboys). A few quick points:<br />
<br />
- Congrats to the Texas Rangers for making their first World Series appearance. Your bandwagon fan base following will ensure that the lowest regular season home game crowd ever, <a href="http://sports.espn.go.com/nhl/recap/_/id/301016009/st-louis-blues-vs-dallas-stars">approximately 7,000</a> in attendance versus the Blues, will actually be high compared to the attendance at the Stars game this coming Saturday versus Buffalo.<br />
- The Stars actually only have 1 more point than they did 7 games into the season last year (3-1-3 in 2009/10). Funny how those OT wins make you feel more confident about your team.<br />
- Which leads me to my next point: to the few that think the Dallas defense is actually better this year than last *cough <a href="http://downgoesspezza.blogspot.com/2010/10/flyers-excuses-for-tonights-pitiful.html">latest Down Goes Spezza Post</a> cough* I beg, no, I implore you to reconsider. The shots allowed are terrible, the PK is beyond horrific, and if there was really any less caring in terms of playing defense, they'd all be named Ilya Kovalchuk.<br />
<br />
Now then, our week has come to an end, and it's time for the naming of the first ever "Brad Richards Wanna Be" and "Patrik Stefan 'I didn't do that'" awards. So without further ado:<br />
<br />
<b>Brad Richards Wanna Be</b><br />
While both Tim Thomas (2-0-0 in 2 starts w/ a 1.00 GAA and 97.3 save percentage) and Kipper (2-1-0 in 3 starts w/ 2 shutouts, a 1.32 GAA and 95.6 save percentage) performed more than adequately to receive top honors and the inaugural receipt of the award, I sadly have to go with the stat line that literally blows my mind. Henrik Zetterberg (3 goals, 3 assists, +5, in 2 games) was simply on fire this week. Sure it's only two games and a sample size like that isn't exactly a lot, but consider this: only 2 players this week scored more points (Bourque and Stamkos) and it took them twice as many games played to do so. Trust me, Stamkos really makes me want to pick him (4 goals, 5 assists), but I just can't for some reason. This is coming from the guy that drafted him every year except this year (only had one opportunity and sadly I went with Parise as I felt LW was very shallow this year). So alas, the Brad Richards Wanna Be award is tainted forever by being awarded to a Red Wing...you know what? On second thought, fuck that. I'm not tainting this shit in week one. Good job Stamkos, you kicked some major ass.<br />
<br />
Red Wings suck.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="228" src="http://a323.yahoofs.com/ymg/ept_sports_nhl_experts__56/ept_sports_nhl_experts-458660072-1268105965.jpg?ymtb1yCDRKjjViPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>It's ok Mr. Stamkos, we know what you really look like and how to properly spell your name.</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://a323.yahoofs.com/ymg/ept_sports_nhl_experts__56/ept_sports_nhl_experts-458660072-1268105965.jpg?ymtb1yCDRKjjViPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><br />
<b>Patrik Stefan 'I didn't do that'</b><br />
Since I apparently deprived a Red Wing player an award, and this is a Stars related blog, why not remedy both situations immediately. With a -4, 0 points, and 2 PIMs (ie: not very sportsman-like), Mike Modano come on down!<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_yblCQU1UOw8/TFm_NXWE7NI/AAAAAAAAAVY/6m9JMDsasHM/s320/MikeModano.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="257" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>You just love the bitches, don't you Mike?</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_yblCQU1UOw8/TFm_NXWE7NI/AAAAAAAAAVY/6m9JMDsasHM/s1600/MikeModano.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><b> </b><span class="status-body"><span class="actions"><i>As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and new award name suggestions, or just <a href="http://www.twitter.com/damnitjason">stalk me on Twitter</a> , because what better things do you have to do while at work?</i></span></span>Jasonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15421429344077085765noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7304762801129553052.post-11110039388152919992010-10-14T16:23:00.000-05:002010-10-14T16:23:34.002-05:00Strange Happenings and How We Got to 2-0Well damn. As I sit down across from a Popeyes in an airport gate waiting area at 6am, I can’t help but think of how my friends and I named the 2009-2010 the “Season of Weird.” Crazy things were happening left and right, and honestly I’m still shocked the Coyotes didn’t somehow win the Stanley Cup, denounce the rest of the NHL, and defect to the KHL taking our <strike>title belt and throwing it in the trash on Monday Night TV</strike> prized Cup with them.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Then there is the 2010-2011 season. Hell, you don’t have to look very far to realize something is amiss. And yes, I’m talking to you 3-0-0 Toronto Maple Leafs. Really? Did y’all eat your Wheaties all summer long or something? If that isn’t crazy enough for you let’s also consider some other perfect records like the 2-0-0 Edmonton Oilers and Carolina Hurricanes. Whomever had both of those teams starting off with that record please raise your hand. Now quickly, everyone who is honest, take note of the liars amongst you and beat them to a bloody pulp. If it’s one thing in hockey we can’t tolerate, it’s liars (divers yes, liars…not so much). Still not convinced? Well why the hell not? Fine, Philadelphia suddenly has decent goaltending, Colton Orr got rocked in a fight, Mike Modano is on the team whose name we shall not speak, and for some crazy reason I’m destroying everyone I know in fantasy hockey. The prosecution rests.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
However, in mentioning the absence of Modano on the Stars, I should also note they are one of the teams that are surprising many, yours included, with a 2-0-0 record. Not only that, but they have overtime and shootout wins. This is the same team that may as well have packed it in and given the other team 2 points once regulation ended tied last season, right? Let’s take a look at some reasons on how the Stars have managed to become undefeated, and how they might be able to string together 3 wins in a row for the first time since the 2008-2009 season when they face Detroit tonight:<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<strong><u>Devils</u></strong><br />
<br />
- Turco usually spotted teams three goals to start a game, so Lehtonen’s two goal spot was really a piece of cake to overcome.<br />
<br />
- After two quick first assists by the $100 million dollar man, Crawford had an assistant text Paul Bissonette to figure out what to say that could piss the Russian off.<br />
<br />
- Was able to distract Brodeur by having players spray themselves with bacon grease similar to the Taco Bell commercial and then crash the net.<br />
<br />
- Promised head coach John MacLean that they would let him start and finish the game with 20 skaters if he let the Stars win. He countered that the Devils should at least get an OT point. Done deal.<br />
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<strong><u>Islanders</u></strong><br />
<br />
- Gave up 4 PPG’s in 2 games to lull the teams into a false sense of security considering the penalty kill was supposed to be a strength this year.<br />
<br />
- Realized that despite how fragile Kari Lehtonen is, Andrew Raycroft isn’t getting anywhere near a start unless someone’s life hangs in the balance…and even in that case, I pray for that person.<br />
<br />
- Only went to the shootout because Ribeiro wanted to prove to everyone that he could score without pulling off some insane move that no player in his right mind would ever try. (Note: Does not apply to Robbie Schremp)<br />
<br />
- By the same token, also wanted to give James Neal the chance to bang his first shootout opportunity of the year off a goal post. Sadly, he missed the memo.<br />
<br />
- Found out allowing only 23 shots on goal really helps to limit scoring chances. Hopefully Crawford informed them later that while this is true, they should try not to allow them all in one period.<br />
<br />
- While on the surface Stephane Robidas’ two delay of game penalties on back-to-back shifts for shooting the puck out of play seems like poor play, in reality it was the Dallas defense counterbalancing the rest of their play all game, thus ensuring we’d only remember the awfulness that we’ve grown to expect and love. <br />
<br />
<strong><u>Red Wings</u></strong><br />
<br />
- Plan on sticking a “Wide Load” bumper sticker on the posterior of Tomas Holmstrom in hopes that someone, ANYONE, will notice when he’s screening Kari Lehtonen.<br />
<br />
- <a href="http://www.twitter.com/jeffk_stars">Jeff K</a> has orchestrated it so that whenever Modano is about to take a faceoff, a heartfelt Modano moment will suddenly play in the American Airlines Center, thus ensuring his eyes are blinded by millions of tears.<br />
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- To combat the morale effects of the inevitable octopus thrown on the ice due to the overwhelming number of Detroit fans that attend Dallas games, the Stars Fanatics are planning on hurling live cattle.<br />
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- Had “Please present your AARP card before entering” signs posted at each blue line.<br />
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- If Mike Ribeiro can assault a police officer, then Pavel Datsyuk will be a piece of cake.<br />
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<br />
<br />
You may not agree, but that’s what I observed. Then again, maybe I’m just delirious from the smell of the chicken.<br />
<br />
<div><i>As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and deep dish pizzas, or just <a href="http://www.twitter.com/damnitjason"><span style="color: black;">stalk me on Twitter</span></a> , because what better things do you have to do while at work?</i></div>Jasonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15421429344077085765noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7304762801129553052.post-27291792767962253542010-10-10T02:11:00.003-05:002010-10-10T03:51:52.182-05:00The Stars Are Undefeated. LOL Wut?<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="250" src="http://cdn.bleacherreport.net/images_root/slides/photos/000/216/226/03_display_image.jpg?1272907375" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>"Oh you didn't know? Well your ass better call somebody!"</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://cdn.bleacherreport.net/images_root/slides/photos/000/216/226/03_display_image.jpg?1272907375" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div>Yes folks. In case you weren't aware the Dallas Stars are 2-0. Yes! <i>Those</i> Dallas Stars. To make matters even more interesting picture this: Who was the worst OT/SO team in the NHL last year? Dallas. Who is 1-0 in OT and 1-0 in a shootout thus far? Dallas. Who is the only NHL team not to win 3 games in a row last season? Dallas. Sure Toronto was the last team to accomplish the feat, but do you know how bad it feels to be behind Toronto in something (hint: pretty f-in bad)? Who is the team that only won 3 of 12 back-to-back games last year? Dallas. It's like we actually turned shit around, eh folks? Not so fast...<br />
<br />
Let's be honest, this has nothing to do with an improvement in the Dallas defense this year (3 goals vs the insane 1st line of the New Jersey Devils is tolerable, but 4 goals to a make-shift New York Islanders team? Really?). It has nothing to do with Marty Turco leaving Dallas (oh, we'll get there tonight folks, we'll get there). It really has to do with the fact that the Stars are once again outscoring opponents. Yep. We're still gonna suck, but let me relish in the glory knowing that we are better than 26 other teams. Let me repeat that, because unless we time travel back to 98, 99, or 2000 I can't make this claim: WE ARE BETTER THAN 26 OTHER TEAMS. Don't freak out too soon though. The Leafs are after all tied with us, and we all know that's a mistake. Commence the realistic meltdown now. Stick around for a new weekly feature at the end of the post, as for now, onto tonight's facts:<br />
<br />
- Speaking of the Stars, is anyone else, aside from <a href="http://www.twitter.com/urban_tom">Tom</a>, as disappointed as I am that when it got down to Ribeiro at the end of the shootout, that he wasn't given the green light to let loose some horrifically cheeky move? We lost a ton of shootouts last year, and this man just needs a green light to be an effective shootout winning dick.<br />
<br />
<object classid="clsid:d27cdb6e-ae6d-11cf-96b8-444553540000" height="383" id="embed" width="640"><param name="movie" value="http://video.nhl.com/videocenter/embed.swf" /><param name="quality" value="high" /><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true" /><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always" /><param name="flashVars" value="catid=-7&id=78007&server=http://video.nhl.com/videocenter/&pageurl=http://video.nhl.com/videocenter/&nlwa=http://app2.neulion.com/videocenter/nhl/" /><embed name="embed" pluginspage="http://www.adobe.com/go/getflashplayer" src="http://video.nhl.com/videocenter/embed.swf" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="640" height="383" quality="high" allowFullScreen="true" allowScriptAccess="always" flashVars="catid=-7&id=78007&server=http://video.nhl.com/videocenter/&pageurl=http://video.nhl.com/videocenter/&nlwa=http://app2.neulion.com/videocenter/nhl/"></embed></object><br />
<br />
- I know everyone saw the Kovy/Green fight that was almost as bad as Semin's "playing the bongos" fight last year. The biggest thing I noticed during the commotion was Caps players willing to step in, and Devils players realizing "um, if one of us gets hurt, we don't have anyone we can call up." Truly a smooth move Lou.<br />
<br />
- How many people expect Derek Stephan to dominate the waiver wire on fantasy leagues tonight. Let me just remind everyone before placing their claim that Aaron Voros and Brandon Dubinsky once dominated for the Rangers at the beginning of a season. Best to claim him and then sell high. That's what I did once with leading goalscorer Steve Reinprecht after 7 games.<br />
<br />
- Did the Islanders take lessons from Sidney Crosby over the summer? The only time I've seen more flopping around like something dying is the last time I went fishing.<br />
<br />
- Slightly late, but you know it's gonna be a fun year in Edmonton when your TEAMMATES are <a href="http://watch.tsn.ca/nhl/clip358537#clip358537">bitching about a goal</a> you scored in your first game. Good job Jordan Eberle, though the biggest ego in the entire video has to go to Taylor Hall for expecting everyone to just swoon over him. (P.S. I don't care that it's a tongue-in-cheek spoof. I expect Taylor Hall to be that much of a douchebag)<br />
<br />
- Perhaps the greatest thing I saw all night was the Kings trainer picking up Kopitar's teeth, shaking them in his hand like they were dice, then skating back to the bench like nothing ever happened. I hope he rolled snake eyes once he got back to the bench. No one should be that happy about picking up someone's teeth.<br />
<br />
- Did anyone else hear Drew MacIntyre was called up from the AHL for the Thrashers? I hope Vince McMahon didn't have a part in this.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://www.wwezone.org/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/drew-mcintyre.jpg.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="236" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Yep, this guy isn't going to faint in net, he's going to DDT your head in.</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.wwezone.org/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/drew-mcintyre.jpg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><br />
- Matt Carkner needs to...you know what, I drafted Matt Carker, so win or lose, as long as the idiot can still stagger into a fight after taking a Colton Orr pounding, I'm actually ok with it. Good job Matt, keep up the good work!<br />
<br />
- Marty Turco. I told you it was coming. You knew it was going to be mentioned at some point. I just need to point something out here. Way back in early August I mentioned something:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TLFgvX1eRbI/AAAAAAAAAA8/gQ7ok0sVSTU/s1600/Turco+Save+Percentage.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="182" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_oOqmQEfjqDs/TLFgvX1eRbI/AAAAAAAAAA8/gQ7ok0sVSTU/s400/Turco+Save+Percentage.jpg" width="400" /> </a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Apparently I mentioned it a bit too soon. For those wondering about the wonderful and amazing Marty Turco and how AWESOME he was going to be behind a defense that could actually play, let's examine some numbers real fast. With the Dallas Stars in 09-10 he had a .913 save percentage that was deemed horrific, he current has stopped 62/69 shots for a .898...hell, let's round up for the man, a .899 save percentage for the Hawks. Betcha wish you had a defenseman that would block a puck with his face now, wouldn't you Marty?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">- How does one give up 4 goals to the current roster New York Islanders? That's like having enough confidence to spot the special education kids an h, o, r, and s in a game of HORSE. Then again, we are talking about the same team that signed Andrew Raycroft as an insurance back-up goaltender, and then they don't even play him on a back-to-back game when the starting goaltender has a major injury history. All we need is some high level exec to die and they automatically receive the Darwin Award.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">- <b>NEW FEATURE TIME</b>! We should be rolling out with a couple of these lately, especially since this "2 posts in 2 days" thing is not going to keep up. There is only so much access to hockey with my insane job, and I'm likely not going to get this much exposure. That said, I wanted to pay homage to one of my favorite football humor blogs, <a href="http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/">Kissing Suzy Kolber</a>, where they do a "Meast of the Week" in addition to a "Least of the Week." Obviously in hockey it's a little harder to judge things on a per-week basis, but I am going to do my best. I believe one of the fantasy leagues I'm in rates players on a weekly basis, so I will go off their time-line and their stats. However, just to spice things up, we're going to give names to these awards. Since it's a Stars themed blog I have to stick with it and Your "Meast of the Week" will officially become the "Brad Richards Wanna Be" award. Before you laugh, please realize Mr. Richards is officially your league leader in points. Plus the guy scored 5 assists against the current Stanley Cup Champs in his debut with the Stars, so if you disagree with the name, go *censored for the youngins* yourself. As for the "Least of the Week," well this was much harder. As you should know there has been much failure in the Stars organization. Tom Hicks comes to mind at the moment, but then I thought back to players. Shawn Chambers was a great player, but Mario Lemieux turning him into a pylon during the cup finals is a league-wide memory. I wanted something bigger though. Something 197-foot-Toskala-esque. Then it hit me. So ladies and gentleman, I present to you the official "Patrik Stefan 'I didn't do that'" award. May they both be bestowed upon some truly great players in the near future.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="status-body"><span class="actions"><div><i>As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and bottles of vodka (I really write better when under the influence), or just <a href="http://www.twitter.com/damnitjason">stalk me on Twitter</a> , because what better things do you have to do while at work?</i></div></span></span></div>Jasonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15421429344077085765noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7304762801129553052.post-39086514961347493072010-10-09T02:57:00.001-05:002010-10-09T03:23:50.089-05:00Fun With Numbers - Stars/Devils Game One & Other NHL StatsThe first thing I learned about the Stars regular season opener vs the Devils is that not only did Lou Lamoriello screw Stars fans over by not forfeiting due to being over the cap (how convenient that those two players landed on Long Term Injury Reserve, no? Someone get me a social worker and prove that there was no domestic violence or anything like that and then I'll believe the injuries), but even when I count on the Stars losing for an excellent blog post, they fail me. I was actually excited about the prospect of taking a look at where the Stars stood after a blowout loss and to be quite honest, after the 2-0 start the defense was proving to me they were every bit as useful as I expected. Kari Lehtonen was proving to me that despite appearing super human in preseason stopping 75/77 shots, and in the game I attended giving up maybe 2 rebounds all night, that he really is a subpar goaltender that the Stars put too much faith in. Hell (LOL a pun!), the Devils were even proving to me that my combination of Parise and Zajac in a majority of my fantasy leagues are going to dominate like no other. The line of Parise/Zajac/Kovalchuk seem to go together like Huey Dewey and Louie, like Crosby Stills and Nash, even like the Three Tenors (Perhaps not the best analogy on that one. None are gay, and the fat one is obviously Brodeur). Then what happens? The Stars not only fight back to earn that lovely OT point, but instead of going something ridiculous like 3-14 in OT games, they won a game in OT. WAY TO RUIN THE POST LOUI!<br />
<br />
So instead of getting to hear things like "The Maple Leafs and the Oilers are obviously infinitely better than Dallas because they both won their games and Dallas lost," you're going to get the opposite. Quite the opposite. Here we go:<br />
<br />
- Looking at the points, the Stars are obviously twice as good as the defending Stanley Cup champions, Chicago Blachawks, and also on par with the defending Stanley Cup champions, the Atlanta Thrashers. Sadly, they are no match for the obvious eventual Eastern Conference Champs: The Carolina Hurricanes.<br />
<br />
- Speaking of the Hurricanes, couldn't "Mr. Shootout" Jussi Jokinen pulled out something a little better than the garbage he decided to display today? Um...you just got showed up by a rookie in Jeff Skinner chief. Better start watching Mike Ribeiro so you can learn the definition of the "cheeky" shootout goal.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><i>Shhh, this is what a cocky douchebag looks like. Thankfully this cocky douchebag plays for us.</i></div><br />
- Dear Mike Modano, We knew you'd be good on that Detroit team. Honestly, with the talent around you on the 3rd line, how could you not be? Was the goal on your first shot really necessary though?<br />
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- Speaking of Mike Modano, if the Stars tried any harder to push Brad Richards as the next coming of Modano, I'd almost be convinced the team got sold and Richards was going to receive a Kovalchuk-esque deal. Keep in mind I did not have any volume while watching the game, but considering all the graphics I saw of Richards and Modano being compared, I fail to see how they aren't trying to market the team around him.<br />
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- On the topic of Brad Richards, the Modano record of 93 points in a season is about to be shattered. Eriksson is going to end the season with 164 goals, and Richards will finish with 246 points. You can't tell me I'm wrong. That's the projected stats people. Wayne Gretzky eat your heart out.<br />
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- If anyone was looking for this year's 20+ shooting percentage candidate, look no further than Loui Eriksson. It's scary when you know his two goals in the game wasn't a fluke, but even worse when you realize he only took two shots on goal. #LouiEriksson4RichardCandidate<br />
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- Looking at other games around the league, a scary moment in Atlanta when Ondrej Pavelec collapsed to the ice with no one around him. Aside from looking like an Italian soccer player, I sincerely hope he makes a speedy recovery and returns to action soon. I'd hate to think that we could see Dustin Byfuglien in goal at some point...since he's obviously multi-talented and all. <br />
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- Nothing to do with hockey, but it made me laugh a lot, so I need to share. Some of you may have heard about Michael Young's "<a href="http://espn.go.com/blog/dallas/texas-rangers/post/_/id/4855564/michael-youngs-check-swing-alters-game">check swing</a>" during yesterday's Rays/Rangers game. Well a local radio station duo that also cover the Dallas Stars decided to respond to the comment that "The game really turned on the check swing call." Their response? "Yes, because before that, the Rays had 0. After that, they finished with 0." I love people who tell it like it is.<br />
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- I saw some hockey bets going around lately, with one unfortunate <a href="http://www.metricjulie.com/">unnamed Canadiens fan</a> losing 3 bets in one game. Supposedly these were the first three lost bets ever in history. Ya, and Brett Hull's Stanley Cup Winning Goal was 100% legit (It was...which means I totally believe this person). That all being said, I always welcome ridiculous bets. If I don't accept, ask me again when I've had a drink or two in me. Don't think it works? I apparently signed up for a fantasy league drunk, didn't realize it until I was told about it two weeks later, then drafted tipsy, and now I'm going to destroy everyone. Remember those words people. Remember them!<br />
<span class="status-body"> <span class="actions"><div></div><div>- Can we honestly just give Jordan Eberle the Calder now? That goal was disgusting and Ian White should be fired. Guess we all know why <a href="http://www.theglobeandmail.com/sports/hockey/flames-sign-ian-white-to-one-year-contract/article1657362/">he was paid $5 less</a> than expected now.<br />
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- Last Dead Things mention, but after 1 game, I think it's safe to say that Pavel Datsyuk already forfeited the Lady Byng this year. Guess it's down to the two former teammates in St. Louis and Richards again. Good luck Brad. </div><div><br />
</div><div>- Back to Dallas. What needs to happen to ensure that Raycroft doesn't start versus the Islanders? I don't care if half their team is injured and the only reason they hit the cap floor is because they're paying a guy in Russia to score goals in an exhibition games against the Hurricanes.</div><div><br />
</div><div>This all being said, I do have an excited weekly feature that should debut sometime this coming week. At least I hope it's exciting. For all I know it could suck as bad at the Minnesota Wild.</div><div><br />
<i>As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and bottles of whiskey, or just <a href="http://www.twitter.com/damnitjason">stalk me on Twitter</a> , because what better things do you have to do while at work?</i></div></span><span class="entry-content"></span></span>Jasonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15421429344077085765noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7304762801129553052.post-27059882957921400892010-10-05T13:58:00.000-05:002010-10-05T13:58:46.495-05:00NHL Player SynonymsSo the wonderfully talented <a href="http://downgoesspezza.blogspot.com/">Down Goes Spezza</a> and I were having a conversation the other day, when a precarious quote came into play:<br />
<blockquote>You think the phrase "Stop being a Dallas Stars Defensemen" could replace "stop being useless and talentless" - Down Goes Spezza</blockquote>This obviously prompted a rebuttal from yours truly which defended the importance and value of the Dallas Stars defense among other things. So it was then that we both wondered what other synonymous words for the NHL might be:<br />
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<b>Dallas Stars Defense: </b>Traffic cones, Stick holders, Punching bags, <a href="http://i370.photobucket.com/albums/oo147/Portis_album/CanadiensDallasStephaneRobidasJPG.jpg">Reconstructive facial surgery models.</a><br />
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<b>Matt Cooke:</b> Tough NHL grinder, The best place to find an imprint of Evander Kane's fist, The reason Sean Avery isn't under the microscope when it comes to NHL rule changes. <br />
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<b>Marc Savard:</b> Playmaker, Contract bargain, Substitute for The Thinker.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/4/45/The_Thinker,_Auguste_Rodin.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="214" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Good God, could this concussion make me want to do anything less than sit here like this?</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/4/45/The_Thinker,_Auguste_Rodin.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><b>Wade Redden:</b> A $6.5 million paper weight, the AHL's least valuable player, God's gift to NHL defenseman humor.<br />
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<b>Kyle Wellwood:</b> A talented center who weighed on the mind of the Coyotes GM for a roster spot, the reason Russia will run out of borsch and blinis, the inspiration for <a href="http://prohockeytalk.nbcsports.com/assets_c/2010/09/connectwhale-21569.php">Connecticut's new logo</a>.<br />
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<b>Dominik Hasek:</b> A human slinky, the Czech Republic's biggest donor via hockey related assault and personal property charges, The person who had the best view of losing the Stanley Cup to one Brett Hull.<br />
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<b>Nazem Kadri:</b> Future of the Maple Leafs, Disappointment, A devout Muslim who got demoted due to picking inopportune times to pray such as on the penalty kill.<br />
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<b>Vesa Toskala: </b>You know, it's really too easy.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="289" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_V5XIbaAr_lE/RyjJCHidz-I/AAAAAAAAAMc/UgHv43xsNRk/s400/sieve.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Vesa on a good night.</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_V5XIbaAr_lE/RyjJCHidz-I/AAAAAAAAAMc/UgHv43xsNRk/s400/sieve.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><br />
<b>Alexi Yashin:</b> Excellent Russian talent, NHL's initial poster child for bad contracts, The reason the Islanders can reach the cap floor.<br />
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<b>Dustin Byfuglien:</b> A great playoff NHL forward, A crappy regular season NHL defenseman, Enough letters in his name to put the "FU" in "Dysfunctional $3,000,000 player."<br />
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<b>Philadelphia Flyers Goaltending: </b>Laughable, Injury prone, the future home of an unretiring Ed Belfour (his on and off-ice antics should make pray for someone as tame as Ron Hextall to return).<br />
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<b>Mike Green:</b> A poor man's Bobby Orr, <a href="http://voices.washingtonpost.com/dcsportsbog/redgreenhawk.bmp">NHL hair fashion coordinator</a>, The only person who should be nominated as the Selke winner for as long as he plays.<br />
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<b>Ilya Kovalchuk: </b>Inspiration to young Russian players everywhere, The reason the LA Kings can afford to give their current roster extensions, Why New Jersey experienced a jelly shortage for a month.<br />
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<b>Glen Sather:</b> The man who hired Trottier without any coaching experience based solely on a 93 page application for the job, The GM who almost single handedly created the salary cap era despite not actually winning games, The only reason Darryl Sutter hasn't been committed to a mental institution.<br />
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<b>Bryce Salvador:</b> One of the few African American NHL players in the league, Another example of how playing the Philadelphia Flyers contributes to concussions, The sole reason the Dallas Stars won't win over the Devils on opening night by forfeit. <br />
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<i>As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and synonyms for myself, or just <a href="http://www.twitter.com/damnitjason">stalk me on Twitter</a> , because what better things do you have to do while at work?</i>Jasonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15421429344077085765noreply@blogger.com1