Now then, since I feel bad that I've merely sat here and whored myself out to y'all, I feel I owe you at least a shred of humor. Thus, I am going to attach a previously unreleased complaint e-mail that I wrote to the broadcasters of Up The Pucks due to the relatively tame and rather boring nature of my appearance on their show...oh ya, and the fact that I almost died thanks to a horrible idea of a drinking game that occurred simultaneously while the podcast was being recorded:
Dear Gentlemen of Up The Pucks,
You may recall that recently (read: last week) I was the special guest co-host on your esteemed and highly regarded podcast. First of all, I would like to thank you for such a generous offer. It was an absolute pleasure chatting with you both and one day I hope I am able to be a guest again. However, I wish to briefly address a serious issue that has become evident in listening to the episode. That is namely, that Johnnie Walker did not respond to my request to furnish me with a nice shiny royalty check. While I'm sure it's probably one giant misunderstanding in which their payroll department is lagging by a couple days, the consequences of them forcing their delicious blended scotchy goodness down my throat led to many unfortunately consequences of which I would like to share with you right now:
1) Memory Loss - It obviously led me to forget how terrible Andrew Raycroft and the Dallas defense were since a good 5 minutes of the show was not devoted to jokes solely made about them.
2) Altered Mood - In addition to my lack of previously mentioned jokes, their libation changed me from the fun loving, jovial, NHLOL creating person that you and your listeners know and love into a serious and apparently touching Jere Lehtinen tribute speaker.
3) Lack of Proper Voice Function - As it was pointed out to me, multiple people thought I was unable to spell my own twitter name. Namely spelling the "Jason" portion as J-s-o-n. Upon further review from myself and the Toronto War Room, not only was the Brett Hull goal 100% good, but also the "A" got lost in my quick speaking.
4) Midget Strippers - No, I did get down with midget strippers, but that is exactly the problem. If I am drinking such a classy concoction as Johnnie Walker scotch, I expect midget strippers to find ME...even if I am sitting at home recording a podcast.
5) Lack of Product Diversity/Customer Knowledge - I'm sorry, but these distillers should realize that stupid promises will be made such as drinking anytime Matt from Down Goes Spezza mentions Chris Pronger and his marshmallowy gentle elbows to the head. Due to such actions, they should also create a much lower proof spirit in order to not cause permanent liver damage as well as loss of important brain cells such as those needed to recall that the New York Islanders are actually an NHL, and not an AHL, level team.
In closing, I would like to point out that these five egregious results will make me remove them as my sponsor, and I will instead move along to a brand that truly understands my expectations moving forward (read: getting paid). Thank you again gentlemen and best of luck with your show this evening.
Jason with an "A"
So ya, with that I leave you wishes for a fantastic
As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and spare livers (I'll need them after today), or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?