Sunday, February 22, 2015

50 Shades of NBCSN: A Masochists Guide to Tonight

I know I know, you’re not ready.  You’re still reeling from last night’s venture to rock bottom.  No, you weren’t hit with sports entertainment’s most electrifying superstar’s finishing move, though it probably felt like it, and no you weren’t pounding down beer at a former local brewery/restaurant.  You’re still dealing with the proverbial punch to the balls/ovaries from the Stars/Red Wings game.  Only a Leafs fan could properly explain what it’s like to endure last night over and over again, but it’s hard to get one to mutter anything remotely coherent as they’re all too busy putting pots and pans on their heads and muttering stuff about tanks.  Probably not best to mix with that conference anyway.
You need more time to rest. You need to be able to recharge.  Hell, you need time for the hangover to go away, but no, the NHL doesn’t care.  They not only want to bring you another game today, but they want to broadcast it on NBC Sports Network.  Yes wonderful reader, the NHL does hate you and wants you to know it.
Which brings us to tonight.  You need to sit down and buckle up if you're looking to get through this game between the Dallas Stars and Minnesota Wild.  First thing's first, NBC may well just spend 3 hours trying to figure out why the same team is playing itself.  If that's the case, then there truly is no hope for any of us.

On the plus side, this is an excellent showcase for Jordie Benn or whatever the hell NBC wants to call him today to increase his trade value.  I know some of you enjoy the running jokes that he’s bad and needs to go, but look at these stats from a week ago.  With the trade deadline looming, I’m pretty sure we could easily fetch a Shea Weber or similar especially signed at the low low cap hit of $700,000 through next season.  It’s the biggest coup this side of Martin Erat and that one guy who does the thing on the skates for Filip Forsberg.  Surely this piece of carefully researched and approved hockey information will go far in aiding our attempt to get maximum trade value.
Sadly, that's about where the good news stops.  The reality is, we need to prepare for tonight.  I’m not saying you should turn on the Oscars were the acting will rival any hockey player not named Corey Perry or Dustin Brown.  I’m also not saying that you should watch three hours of wrestling that, even while scripted, probably provides more of a surprise ending than the Devan Dubnyk shutout that will occur.  What I'm saying is that you need to mentally and physically realize what is going to happen.  We know Antoine is going to be called Dominic.  We assume John Klingberg will get another Klingman reference.  We would hand over our life savings to Vegas that they screw up something else factual if we could, but we'd never get the money line that they'd need to accept the bet.  First and foremost, pick up a roll of duct tape.  Aside from being able to fix many household issues, this will be the single most important item for the evening.  Why?  Because you're going to have someone tape your hands to the point where you can't pick up any sharp objects that you may want to hurt yourself with.  Safety first!  It will also double as an excellent mouth gag for when you want to start yelling profanities at the TV whether as a result of game play or the announcing.  Best and most importantly of all, this mouth gag will double as an alcohol prevention device.
An alcohol prevention device?  Why on earth would I recommend watching this game stone cold sober?  I know many of you were driven to drink last night and I respect that, but at the same time, you really need to do it responsibly.  The last thing any of us wants is to know the Stars can’t trade for Shea Weber because they have $100 million tied up in litigation due to fans families suing for wrongful death on account of alcohol poisoning.  So in the name of all that is Jamie Benn, I'm asking you to take one for the team tonight and lay off.  If you can't, then maybe you should watch the Oscars after all.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and non-alcoholic beverage ideas, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work? 

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Movember Rain

For those of you that took Guns 'N Roses as the first title pun I'd ever use, please collect your 45,000,000 to 1 winnings.  Anyway, if you can't tell yet, I am participating in Movember this year.  For those living under a Mexican work boot, Movember is where a bunch of dudes, and that one lady from the circus, get together, shave their faces, and then grow some really bitching upper lip fuzz for an entire month all in the name of prostate cancer awareness/research.  In joining this wonderful cause, I've banded together with some Dallas Stars fans in an effort to make sure everyone hear's our message (NOTE: It is unwise to treat this like the penis game.  Yelling "prostate awareness" louder and louder isn't nearly as amusing.).  That being said, here's a nifty link that I've been provided with so make sure you click on it and give me half of your life savings or something.  Worst case scenario just take your mom or dad's credit card and fork over what you can, I'm not greedy (I just want to beat everyone else).

However, if that wasn't a convincing enough reason to donate, then I guess I will be forced to give you the top ten-ish reasons that you should sponsor me for Movember:

10)  It's tax deductible and everyone likes paying less taxes.
9)  The more you give, the more it grows...that's what she said?
8)  There's a really good chance that despite Crosby's head start, I can still grow something better than him by the end of day 2.
7)  If someone donates an insane amount of money, I might let them pick out which type of mustache I grow
6)  It's better to spend your money on the sponsorship than on the December 1st "Movember Souvenoir Hairs" auction that will take place on eBay.
5)  By donating you can at least feel quasi better about using the joke "I mustache you a question" all month long.
4)  I'd donate to your cause if it involved public humilation.
3)  Despite the name, it really has nothing to do with a crazy month long Mike Modano orgy...swearsies!
2)  I am willing to send a special mystery thank you gift to the top donation under my name. It might be homemade edible goodies, it might be some autographed memorabilia, it might be the unclaimed eBay mustache trimmings, YOU NEVER KNOW WITH THE MYSTERY PRIZE!
1)  Seriously people, it's for cancer research, help fix the world.

Thanks again for all the support...and laughter.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and DONATIONS!, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work? 

Monday, September 5, 2011

You Know You're a Stars Fan If...

Well folks it's been a while.  You see, here at Discard What You Don't Need we (and by "we" I mean "me," but it sounds more impressive if I have staff) went out and found important things to do during the day instead of pretending to work all the while surfing Twitter on our phones and playing Words With Friends non-stop.  Yes sir, now there are important tasks at hand like peddling chicken and pork snouts.  Suck on that old job at the Coconut Tree.

Now this also means that I'm not around during the day anymore to enrich everyone's life with snarky comments about the NHL and specifically the Dallas Stars.  So I'm going to just spill my thoughts here now without a fear of 140 character restrictions.  And yes, it means I'm getting to this before the NHL does, feel free to launch your "premature" jokes all you want, but I'm having my lawyers come after you when you steal one of my jokes because no one should be subjected to this type of unfunny humor more than once.  So without further ado, you know you're a Stars fan if...

- remember a time when Stars vs Oilers wasn't a lottery ball competition, but rather a playoff series given.
- ...the torturous death you have planned for Tom Hicks makes the revenge kill scene in Law Abiding Citizen look like a relaxing day in the spa in comparison.
-'ve ever cracked a joke offering someone a billion dollars.
- know what a Woywitka is, but wish you didn't.
-'re going to name all your children either Jamie or Benn regardless of their sex.
- ...Martin Skoula (no really, that's the entire joke).
- can't hear all the crying regarding an alleged foot in a crease because it's being drowned out by Queen's "We Are The Champions." (Seriously though people, it was, but we don't care, and they sure as hell wouldn't have won the next game in Dallas is they won that OT game)
-'re glad football season goes on during hockey season since it not only takes traffic away from Dallas, but it also means Jean-Jacques Taylor isn't going to write a single column about them until at least January or February.
- not only know there is a Fox Sports Plus, but have the channel number memorized for your cable provider.
- ...the only reason you can laugh at the Patrik Stefan gaff is because you remember that we actually won that game in the SO.
- wish the Ambassador of Fun stuck to that job instead of signing douchebags to deals we may or may not still be paying for.
- know his name is Brian, not Darren you moron.
-'re terrified of the Ribiero/Ryder reunion because you have Turgeon/Young flashbacks.
- remember a time before Dan Ellis was a self absorbed money mongering ass and was just a back-up goalie.  Oh...well, at least if you can remember that first part.
- celebrate Cinco de Morrow.
- knew Sergei Zubov was an insanely talented hockey player not just because of what he did on the ice, but because he was a pack-a-day cigarette fiend.
- received your complimentary Jeremy Roenick jaw fragment courtesy of Derian Hatcher.
- know the most beautiful hip checks ever seen did not come from Rob Blake, but rather Craig Ludwig.
- never cared if Darryl Sydor played decent hockey in his second and third stints with the team because you knew his level of dedication after the 2000 Stanley Cup Finals.
- would have traded Matt Niskanen for the opportunity to be subjected to the ebola virus and still felt like you got the better end of the far.
- wanted Marc Crawford 5 minutes after he was hired.
- remember how amazing Reunion Arena was compared to the acoustical shit show that is the American Airlines Center.
- would have gone on a murderous rampage had Johnathan Cheechoo actually made the team in 2010.
-'ve ever had heart palpitations when Marty Turco went to play a puck.
- still giggle that we once employed a guy named Tugnutt (perhaps my friends only).
-'re pissed that I haven't mentioned Richard Matvichuk, Neal Broten, Mark Tinordi, Andy Moog, Mike Keane, Jere Lehtinen, Joe Nieuwendyk, Bill Guerin, Kirk Muller, Brad Richards, Aaron Downey's fists of awesomeness, or Mike Modano among other former players, but truth is none of them did funny things.
- DON'T own a Mooterus jersey.  Those things are just horrible and no real fan would have ever purchased one.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and cell phone reminders so I can start posting again, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work? 

Saturday, April 9, 2011

And This Is What It's Come To...

Dearest Red Wings,

Do you mind if I call you Wingies?  I want to ensure you're really comfy and satisfied with that.  What about Wings McKings?  That connotates royalty and thus rich and prosperous things.  Ok, Wingies it is.  Have I mentioned I've had a cocktail or two?  Ya.  Let's start this over fresh, since technically that's what this is all about: starting over.

Dearest Wingies,

Have I mentioned how handsome and amazing y'all are?  Cause it's true.

Let's start by just putting our past differences behind us.  Those "Die in a fire" threats and "Dead Things" comments, I didn't mean any of those.  I was just joshing!  You know, like how Dustin Brown pretends he gets shot by a bullet whenever someone skates near him, it was all acting.  But ya, I never meant a word of those things.  Swearsies.  I mean you do have Mike Modano playing for you.  That's like the most favoritest Dallas Star in the entire world, thus A+++++, would cheer for again.

Can I get y'all some slippers and a newspaper?  Just an idea.  I mean if you need anything you just let me know.

Speaking of anything: remember when everyone in the world hated Todd Bertuzzi and I was the only moron that was willing to defend him in the sense that while I did not condone what he did, it was irresponsibility on both team's coaches as well as the refs part for what happened? should probably reward me for that very high profile backing.  I'm pretty sure I got a +1 on some forum boards for one of the comments I made.  That's high quality praise right there Wingies.

Anyway, enough flattery from me, I'm sure you get that from all the beautiful women that flock to your games as well as adoring fans.  I thought that maybe, just maybe you might want to help out someone as wonderful and supportive of your organization as myself.  How can you do this?  It's really simple: rip the entrails from the lifeless bodies of the Blackhawks on Sunday...I mean, please beat them in regulation.

Huh?  You'd rather have them play the Canucks instead of us?  Well what if I gave you a cookie as an enticement?  It'll be a good one too, not something plain Jane like sugar.  Oh no, we're talking something super delicious and exotic that would match your history.  I'm thinking Chocolate octopus chunk cookies.  Doesn't that sound yummy?

Close enough, right?

Just in case that amazing concoction doesn't sound appealing, I have taken the liberty of making a list of reasons why you would, nay!, should want to beat the Blackhawks:
-  They just beat you 4-2.  How disrespectful!
-  Pretty sure the Bowman's hi-jacked my twitter account and said a lot of nasty things about you over the past year.  Those jerks.
-  Mike Modano secretly still loves us...right?  No?  Oh.
-  Mike Modano would prefer to go through us in the playoffs after we defeat the Canucks for you.  Isn't that better?
-  Do you really want that punk ass bitch Marian Hossa to have a chance at the playoffs again?  After the shaft he gave you?
-  Because I'm writing you the most terrifical awesomest love letter ever, duh.

I hope all these reasons were super compelling and that you will take my suggestion seriously.

Much love,
Seriously though kill the Blackhawks for me,

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and disinfectant so that I may cleanse myself after this post, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work? 

Monday, April 4, 2011

Just Call Me Champion

When I set out to begin this hockey season I had a few objectives in mind (seriously, if I used the word "goals" I was going to have to punch myself in the nuts and serve a life sentence in pun jail):

-Write about the atrocity that is the Dallas Stars defense (special thank yous to Jeff Woywitka and Matt Niskanen for making that a slam dunk)
-Write about my hatred of Tom Hicks (it seems with everything coming out lately that others have done more than I ever could have put on paper)
-Make at least two people laugh while reading a post...well...giggle...or at least smirk a little bit
-Win some fantasy hockey leagues

Yes, win some fantasy hockey leagues.  Welcome my readers, I am a stat nerd.  I usually get to the championship game in all my football leagues (we're just going to ignore this past season, like next year's, it doesn't exist) mainly because I don't look at player's names or what team they play for, I pick people based on historical statistical production.  In hockey I find myself at a disadvantage because I have certain rules like never being allowed to draft a Red Wings player.  Two years ago I gave that rule up realizing it was costing me dearly, and now look at me.

The sweetest Hat Trick ever

Yep, that's not one, not two, but three blowout victories in the finals.  I am what Darcy Tucker was to Sami Kapanen: an absolute knock out.  Ladies, I know you wish to send me your now moistened underwear, but please, I can only receive so many packages in the mail before the mailman gets suspicious and starts asking unnecessary questions.

I'd like to thank everyone foolish enough for inviting me to be a part of their league.  I hope that next season you dedicate the password naming rights to yours truly.  It's gonna be simple, it's going to be epic, it's going to be "WoywitkaBlowsAss."  Well that, or I expect three nice pretty trophies to show up at work tomorrow with my name engraved on them.

Special thanks again to everyone who made "Benn There Done That," "A Flock of Segals," and "Niskanen Fodder" what they are today.  And for the record, no I did not trade Brad Richards.  Morons.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and digital trophies, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?