Sunday, December 12, 2010

An Open Letter - Kari Lehtonen

Dear Kari,

     First off, by Kari, I mean you Mr. Lehtonen.  As much as I'd love to be writing a letter to Kari Byron, I don't think the restraining order allows for such things.  Now that we've established that you have to pay attention, let's get down to business shall we?  I'm going to be direct and decisive here and hope that your grasp on the English language allows you to follow along: STOP GETTING FUCKING HURT!  You see, I applaud you for not shredding your groin into 12 strands of spaghetti each week liek you did in Atlanta, so I suppose that is a great improvement.  Sadly, the fact remains that you keep tweaking portions of your back and these tweaks have me greatly concerned.  As much as I love watching Andrew Raycroft flop to the ice merely minutes before the puck is actually shot at him in order to make a valiant attempt at a save, I'd much rather have someone in net that has more poise and promise than a Vesa Toskala-in-training.  True, Mr. Raycroft has received more goaltending hardware than you, but that was also back in the days when players had to get off season jobs to pay the bills and every retard athlete received some sort of trophy for participation so that they did not feel left out.

Yes Andrew, you actually let in that many.

     I know you didn't think it was a huge deal when you decided a little extra rest might do your body good (Trademark - US cow milkers).  I mean at the time Raycroft was one of the hottest backups in the NHL.  He shutout the Sabres, he beat the best team in the NHL, and he had another win or honorary mention at making super easy glove saves look like ESPN Top 10 worthy material or something like that thrown in there.  Unfortunately, that's when Raycroft suddenly snapped back to reality, much like many wrist shots were snapped by his prone body into the back of the net.  I think we both now realize that the current fan/goaltender relationship just isn't going to work.  So I need you to say your prayers and take your vitamins so you can be 100% and soon.

     In conclusion, get better so that one day I might go on a well respected podcast and man crush all over you, like I did to the guy whose name is spelled eerily similar to yours, the day that you retire.


P.S.  Seriously, go visit the podcast link.  I said like two nice things about you.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and future letter recipients, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?


  1. Do you expect an open letter from Kari Lehtonen?

  2. If he wants to write back via an open/private letter that's perfectly fine by me :o)

  3. What do you what him to write there?

  4. Perhaps you missed the "Where cynicism and sarcasm meet for drinks and Dallas Stars hockey" header. It's obviously a letter from a humorous standpoint and not only do I not expect a response, I don't even expect anyone from the Stars organization to see it.

    As I said though, if they came across it and felt a response was warranted, then it is completely up to them in terms of how they wished to respond.

  5. What do you expect then writing an open letter to Kari Lehtonen?

  6. It would seem you have missed the point of not only my explanation, but also this particular blog post. It is 100% for humor purposes. I do however appreciate the comments and hopefully you'll find something else of mine that suits your tastes a little bit better.

  7. I get it. It's supposed to be funny.

    Man, you need "to say your prayers and take your vitamins" to beat the legendary master of antilehtonism genre from Atlanta -

    "Better rush gutless Finnish sieve back into Yardbird lineup ASAP. Sounds like the untalented LaLa Land loser is in midseason form! Apologists love those long range goals. Bad bounces and monkey pucks are always culprits. Finn fraud has NEVER allowed legitimate goal during his career.

    Know for damn sure the Wolves will be glad to get him the Hell out of Chicago. Forcing a decent club in Illinois to play commode residue rejects from the big club like Sori Letemin (early and from a neighboring city) is simply not fair. The Wolves are TRYING to WIN hockey games."

  8. If you notice my letter was never supposed to be anti-Lehtonen. I was actually hoping he'd be healthy if you notice, but it's been fairly apparent that you've been far more interested in picking a "fight" instead of actually reading what I wrote, what with hiding being the ever famous "anonymous" monocure yet the continued insistence of coming back every time I reply to one of your comments.

  9. I believe our now discussion is not about your opinion but rather about HOW your cynicism and sarcasm have met for drinks in this opinion.

    Hard to deny that phrases like "I applaud you for not shredding your groin into 12 strands of spaghetti each week", or "your grasp on the English language allows you to follow along" do reveal the depth of your hope for him being healthy.

    If you hadn't intention to offend Lehtonen by those (i am sure you did not), what was the purpose of your irony about his name and his English then?

    I am coming back because I am interested in talking to you and I am talking about things that I find interesting. I do not see any difference if I put my name.

  10. Stop getting hurt?!? Are you effing suggesting he's doing that on purpose because that is the only way to infer anything from that statement? Finnish and Scandinavian hockey players are the most dedicated, humble, hard working in the league (ask any coach, any player, any personnel)
    On a another note, for you to disrespect Kari for his English, just to let you know a few facts: it's VERY difficult for a Finn to learn English, let alone pronounce it. Those two languages COULD NOT be any farther apart from each other. That being said, what the HELL has that to do with hockey ANY WAY?
    Get your facts straight your dumbfuck. SISU JA SUOMI ON PARASTA!

  11. I am beyond happy that I have been able to create this much controversy just from a simple little letter. Keep the comments coming :D

    P.S. I'm sure Finland is the best, I've never been.

  12. That one is known as Herostratic fame.

  13. Actually, last time I checked I didn't try to destroy a building. I didn't even go so far as to try and kill someone. Instead, I wrote a sarcastic letter on a blog that belongs to me. Thanks for the intellectual outburst though.

    P.S. Thanks for all the blog hits from coming back constantly, that's actually helping me more than anything.

  14. Wow, Jason...internet trolls are effing cowards...don't let them get to you...this person's obviously a moron devoid of a sense of humor...don't argue with only makes you look stupid

  15. Dear Anon,

    You are stupid. Please go back to your middle school sex-ed assignment. Then cry about your first ever period. After that, grow up and learn to read sarcasm like a big girl.



  16. I have a feeling that anonymous is the idiot from philly that trolls us on rooster teeth.

  17. What happened to my last comment?