Monday, September 5, 2011

You Know You're a Stars Fan If...

Well folks it's been a while.  You see, here at Discard What You Don't Need we (and by "we" I mean "me," but it sounds more impressive if I have staff) went out and found important things to do during the day instead of pretending to work all the while surfing Twitter on our phones and playing Words With Friends non-stop.  Yes sir, now there are important tasks at hand like peddling chicken and pork snouts.  Suck on that old job at the Coconut Tree.

Now this also means that I'm not around during the day anymore to enrich everyone's life with snarky comments about the NHL and specifically the Dallas Stars.  So I'm going to just spill my thoughts here now without a fear of 140 character restrictions.  And yes, it means I'm getting to this before the NHL does, feel free to launch your "premature" jokes all you want, but I'm having my lawyers come after you when you steal one of my jokes because no one should be subjected to this type of unfunny humor more than once.  So without further ado, you know you're a Stars fan if...

- remember a time when Stars vs Oilers wasn't a lottery ball competition, but rather a playoff series given.
- ...the torturous death you have planned for Tom Hicks makes the revenge kill scene in Law Abiding Citizen look like a relaxing day in the spa in comparison.
-'ve ever cracked a joke offering someone a billion dollars.
- know what a Woywitka is, but wish you didn't.
-'re going to name all your children either Jamie or Benn regardless of their sex.
- ...Martin Skoula (no really, that's the entire joke).
- can't hear all the crying regarding an alleged foot in a crease because it's being drowned out by Queen's "We Are The Champions." (Seriously though people, it was, but we don't care, and they sure as hell wouldn't have won the next game in Dallas is they won that OT game)
-'re glad football season goes on during hockey season since it not only takes traffic away from Dallas, but it also means Jean-Jacques Taylor isn't going to write a single column about them until at least January or February.
- not only know there is a Fox Sports Plus, but have the channel number memorized for your cable provider.
- ...the only reason you can laugh at the Patrik Stefan gaff is because you remember that we actually won that game in the SO.
- wish the Ambassador of Fun stuck to that job instead of signing douchebags to deals we may or may not still be paying for.
- know his name is Brian, not Darren you moron.
-'re terrified of the Ribiero/Ryder reunion because you have Turgeon/Young flashbacks.
- remember a time before Dan Ellis was a self absorbed money mongering ass and was just a back-up goalie.  Oh...well, at least if you can remember that first part.
- celebrate Cinco de Morrow.
- knew Sergei Zubov was an insanely talented hockey player not just because of what he did on the ice, but because he was a pack-a-day cigarette fiend.
- received your complimentary Jeremy Roenick jaw fragment courtesy of Derian Hatcher.
- know the most beautiful hip checks ever seen did not come from Rob Blake, but rather Craig Ludwig.
- never cared if Darryl Sydor played decent hockey in his second and third stints with the team because you knew his level of dedication after the 2000 Stanley Cup Finals.
- would have traded Matt Niskanen for the opportunity to be subjected to the ebola virus and still felt like you got the better end of the far.
- wanted Marc Crawford 5 minutes after he was hired.
- remember how amazing Reunion Arena was compared to the acoustical shit show that is the American Airlines Center.
- would have gone on a murderous rampage had Johnathan Cheechoo actually made the team in 2010.
-'ve ever had heart palpitations when Marty Turco went to play a puck.
- still giggle that we once employed a guy named Tugnutt (perhaps my friends only).
-'re pissed that I haven't mentioned Richard Matvichuk, Neal Broten, Mark Tinordi, Andy Moog, Mike Keane, Jere Lehtinen, Joe Nieuwendyk, Bill Guerin, Kirk Muller, Brad Richards, Aaron Downey's fists of awesomeness, or Mike Modano among other former players, but truth is none of them did funny things.
- DON'T own a Mooterus jersey.  Those things are just horrible and no real fan would have ever purchased one.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and cell phone reminders so I can start posting again, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work? 


  1. you forgot "Whenever you hear the national anthem, you instinctively yell the word 'STARS' no matter where you are"

  2. This is pretty much the best list ever. And I'm not just saying that because if it sucked, I'd boo you relentlessly. :)

    Also, Tugnutt is hilarious to me & my friends as well. That name has spawned many a great joke, ha.