Monday, March 21, 2011

Straight Edge 101 - A Dedication to Down Goes Spezza

Well the Birthday Vacation week of Dallas Stars hockey didn't exactly pan out how I had hoped.  Of the three games I was able to attend, the Stars had an abysmal record of 0-2-1, while the one game that I had an opportunity to go to, but decided against it was a 5-0 drubbing against the Hawks and, eventually, Marty Turco.  This also means that my bet with Matt of Down Goes Spezza on the Flyers game has resulted in me telling all of you about why you should choose the Straight Edge lifestyle.  Ya, it's like making Charlton Heston give you a speech on why guns are evil, but here I sit having to come up with a minimum of 500 words to inspire y'all to give up smoking and drugs and alcohol *cringe.*  Hell, I even learned today that really hardcore followers (read: their screen names have a LOT of xXx's in them) give up sex and go to a vegetarian diet.  Well here's the thing, I can't put those words in type.  I can't.  I'm sorry.  But I suppose if I spoke them, then that wouldn't really be breaking the rules, now would it...

Cue the "Damn it Jason!" from Matt.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and non-alcoholic beverage recipes, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

We've Got Podcasts, We've Got Podcasts, We've Got Lots and Lots of Podcasts. Podcastssssssssss...

For those still paying attention to me and my few and far between ramblings and humor pieces, you may or may not have noticed I've slowly been popping up in areas you'd never expect.  You know, somewhat similar to that rash that has been spreading across your body ever since you paid that Tiajuana hooker for a night you'd never forget, well at least you got a lovely take home prize.  As you recall, aside from a guest Man Crush of The Week contribution I've appeared on the now defunct Patrick Kane's Loose Change podcast.  Then there was my high point in appearing on the only podcast to befriend people who obviously have no taste and dislike half off corndog promotions, Up The Pucks.  Then last night Down Goes Spezza made the egregious mistake of allowing me to join him to discuss the upcoming Stars/Flyers game on Saturday, the insane landscape of the Western Conference, and my somehow defending of the NJ Devils in terms of them making the playoffs.  Hint: It stems from the fact that Flyers fans hate them and I'd consumed 3 martinis prior to the conversation.  Link to this podcast to be included once DGS stops bawling his eyes out over the latest Chris Pronger injury and gets around to clicking "upload."  It's difficult people, I know.

Now then, since I feel bad that I've merely sat here and whored myself out to y'all, I feel I owe you at least a shred of humor.  Thus, I am going to attach a previously unreleased complaint e-mail that I wrote to the broadcasters of Up The Pucks due to the relatively tame and rather boring nature of my appearance on their show...oh ya, and the fact that I almost died thanks to a horrible idea of a drinking game that occurred simultaneously while the podcast was being recorded:

Dear Gentlemen of Up The Pucks,

You may recall that recently (read: last week) I was the special guest co-host on your esteemed and highly regarded podcast.  First of all, I would like to thank you for such a generous offer.  It was an absolute pleasure chatting with you both and one day I hope I am able to be a guest again.  However, I wish to briefly address a serious issue that has become evident in listening to the episode.  That is namely, that Johnnie Walker did not respond to my request to furnish me with a nice shiny royalty check.  While I'm sure it's probably one giant misunderstanding in which their payroll department is lagging by a couple days, the consequences of them forcing their delicious blended scotchy goodness down my throat led to many unfortunately consequences of which I would like to share with you right now:

1)  Memory Loss - It obviously led me to forget how terrible Andrew Raycroft and the Dallas defense were since a good 5 minutes of the show was not devoted to jokes solely made about them.
2)  Altered Mood - In addition to my lack of previously mentioned jokes, their libation changed me from the fun loving, jovial, NHLOL creating person that you and your listeners know and love into a serious and apparently touching Jere Lehtinen tribute speaker.
3)  Lack of Proper Voice Function - As it was pointed out to me, multiple people thought I was unable to spell my own twitter name.  Namely spelling the "Jason" portion as J-s-o-n.  Upon further review from myself and the Toronto War Room, not only was the Brett Hull goal 100% good, but also the "A" got lost in my quick speaking.
4)  Midget Strippers - No, I did get down with midget strippers, but that is exactly the problem.  If I am drinking such a classy concoction as Johnnie Walker scotch, I expect midget strippers to find ME...even if I am sitting at home recording a podcast.
5)  Lack of Product Diversity/Customer Knowledge - I'm sorry, but these distillers should realize that stupid promises will be made such as drinking anytime Matt from Down Goes Spezza mentions Chris Pronger and his marshmallowy gentle elbows to the head.  Due to such actions, they should also create a much lower proof spirit in order to not cause permanent liver damage as well as loss of important brain cells such as those needed to recall that the New York Islanders are actually an NHL, and not an AHL, level team.

In closing, I would like to point out that these five egregious results will make me remove them as my sponsor, and I will instead move along to a brand that truly understands my expectations moving forward (read: getting paid).  Thank you again gentlemen and best of luck with your show this evening.

Jason with an "A" 

So ya, with that I leave you wishes for a fantastic St. Patrick's Day Official Jason Emerged From The Womb Day.  May all your crappy domestic beer be green and your drunken hook-ups be STD free.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and spare livers (I'll need them after today), or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?