Sunday, February 22, 2015

50 Shades of NBCSN: A Masochists Guide to Tonight

I know I know, you’re not ready.  You’re still reeling from last night’s venture to rock bottom.  No, you weren’t hit with sports entertainment’s most electrifying superstar’s finishing move, though it probably felt like it, and no you weren’t pounding down beer at a former local brewery/restaurant.  You’re still dealing with the proverbial punch to the balls/ovaries from the Stars/Red Wings game.  Only a Leafs fan could properly explain what it’s like to endure last night over and over again, but it’s hard to get one to mutter anything remotely coherent as they’re all too busy putting pots and pans on their heads and muttering stuff about tanks.  Probably not best to mix with that conference anyway.
You need more time to rest. You need to be able to recharge.  Hell, you need time for the hangover to go away, but no, the NHL doesn’t care.  They not only want to bring you another game today, but they want to broadcast it on NBC Sports Network.  Yes wonderful reader, the NHL does hate you and wants you to know it.
Which brings us to tonight.  You need to sit down and buckle up if you're looking to get through this game between the Dallas Stars and Minnesota Wild.  First thing's first, NBC may well just spend 3 hours trying to figure out why the same team is playing itself.  If that's the case, then there truly is no hope for any of us.

On the plus side, this is an excellent showcase for Jordie Benn or whatever the hell NBC wants to call him today to increase his trade value.  I know some of you enjoy the running jokes that he’s bad and needs to go, but look at these stats from a week ago.  With the trade deadline looming, I’m pretty sure we could easily fetch a Shea Weber or similar especially signed at the low low cap hit of $700,000 through next season.  It’s the biggest coup this side of Martin Erat and that one guy who does the thing on the skates for Filip Forsberg.  Surely this piece of carefully researched and approved hockey information will go far in aiding our attempt to get maximum trade value.
Sadly, that's about where the good news stops.  The reality is, we need to prepare for tonight.  I’m not saying you should turn on the Oscars were the acting will rival any hockey player not named Corey Perry or Dustin Brown.  I’m also not saying that you should watch three hours of wrestling that, even while scripted, probably provides more of a surprise ending than the Devan Dubnyk shutout that will occur.  What I'm saying is that you need to mentally and physically realize what is going to happen.  We know Antoine is going to be called Dominic.  We assume John Klingberg will get another Klingman reference.  We would hand over our life savings to Vegas that they screw up something else factual if we could, but we'd never get the money line that they'd need to accept the bet.  First and foremost, pick up a roll of duct tape.  Aside from being able to fix many household issues, this will be the single most important item for the evening.  Why?  Because you're going to have someone tape your hands to the point where you can't pick up any sharp objects that you may want to hurt yourself with.  Safety first!  It will also double as an excellent mouth gag for when you want to start yelling profanities at the TV whether as a result of game play or the announcing.  Best and most importantly of all, this mouth gag will double as an alcohol prevention device.
An alcohol prevention device?  Why on earth would I recommend watching this game stone cold sober?  I know many of you were driven to drink last night and I respect that, but at the same time, you really need to do it responsibly.  The last thing any of us wants is to know the Stars can’t trade for Shea Weber because they have $100 million tied up in litigation due to fans families suing for wrongful death on account of alcohol poisoning.  So in the name of all that is Jamie Benn, I'm asking you to take one for the team tonight and lay off.  If you can't, then maybe you should watch the Oscars after all.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and non-alcoholic beverage ideas, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?