Thursday, January 20, 2011

An Apology to Kari Lehtonen

And I'm back.  I think it's safe to peak out from behind the bullet proof glass and steel reinforced doors.  Do y'all realize I haven't posted anything since 2010?  That's last year everyone!  *cue groans since everyone thought that joke wouldn't be used past the first week of 2011*  Seriously though, it's been a rough one lately.  After my last post, an open letter to Kari Lehtonen, I had to be admitted into the witness protection program.  Turns out the new slogan for Discard What you Don't Need should be "Pissing off Finnish people since December 12th, 2010."  Never before have I spurned so much hate and anguish from an obviously sarcastic and tongue-in-cheek piece of humor in my life.  For those unaware of what I speak of, I advise you to check the comments section of the linked post.  I also suggest bringing an accompanying hammer with you so as to smash your toes one by one in an effort to lessen the pain, via distraction, of reading such horrible rebuttals to my comments.  So with that, I'd actually like to apologize to Mr. Lehtonen as requested by Mr. Anonymous if I may:

Dear Kari,

I'm extremely sorry for everything I wrote that may have damaged your psyche in my previous blog post.  I now realize why it is that you continuously take games off in the NHL.  I know I know, you claim they are injuries, and I would too knowing what I now know.  You come from a place full of stalking psychotic insane people.  I mean who else would search Twitter for your name specifically, and then continuously demand apologies to you?  Not only that, but get offended that I apparently didn't even insult you harshly enough.  Don't worry, next time I decide to go after you, I'll be sure to consult some of the best and most experienced assholes on the face of the planet.  But good golly Miss Molly, if I got that kind of backlash from a simple letter, I can only imagine what kind of phone calls, voicemails, texts, e-mails, and etchings burnt into your lawn you receive on a daily basis.  Not to mention that apparently I insulted your native language and how difficult it is.  My bad?  I mean I did take 6 years of Japanese where they have three different alphabets.  Fucking three!  That's a plethora of alphabets, a hat trick even.  Sorry that I dare insult the fact that you learned English as a second language.  Did I mention I know Mandarin, Spanish, Hebrew, and some Italian too?  Oh that's beside the point.  We aren't talking about me, but rather you and your extremely difficult task of learning a second language.  Phew.  Glad you did otherwise I wouldn't get such gems as "I can't handle 10 games in two weeks, or whatever it would be.”  Sorry to make you try some mental math there chief, that's always a doozy for any pro athlete.


Oh, and FYI, I don't expect a response.  I know you're a little tied up avoiding your own countrymen.  Don't worry though, I'll have more NHLOL for you back on it's regular schedule.  I know what motivates you.


Lovingly,
Kinda,
Sorta,
Maybe,


Jason


As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and fun creative names other than Anonymous, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?

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