Saturday, April 9, 2011

And This Is What It's Come To...

Dearest Red Wings,

Do you mind if I call you Wingies?  I want to ensure you're really comfy and satisfied with that.  What about Wings McKings?  That connotates royalty and thus rich and prosperous things.  Ok, Wingies it is.  Have I mentioned I've had a cocktail or two?  Ya.  Let's start this over fresh, since technically that's what this is all about: starting over.

Dearest Wingies,

Have I mentioned how handsome and amazing y'all are?  Cause it's true.

Let's start by just putting our past differences behind us.  Those "Die in a fire" threats and "Dead Things" comments, I didn't mean any of those.  I was just joshing!  You know, like how Dustin Brown pretends he gets shot by a bullet whenever someone skates near him, it was all acting.  But ya, I never meant a word of those things.  Swearsies.  I mean you do have Mike Modano playing for you.  That's like the most favoritest Dallas Star in the entire world, thus A+++++, would cheer for again.

Can I get y'all some slippers and a newspaper?  Just an idea.  I mean if you need anything you just let me know.

Speaking of anything: remember when everyone in the world hated Todd Bertuzzi and I was the only moron that was willing to defend him in the sense that while I did not condone what he did, it was irresponsibility on both team's coaches as well as the refs part for what happened?  Ya...you should probably reward me for that very high profile backing.  I'm pretty sure I got a +1 on some forum boards for one of the comments I made.  That's high quality praise right there Wingies.

Anyway, enough flattery from me, I'm sure you get that from all the beautiful women that flock to your games as well as adoring fans.  I thought that maybe, just maybe you might want to help out someone as wonderful and supportive of your organization as myself.  How can you do this?  It's really simple: rip the entrails from the lifeless bodies of the Blackhawks on Sunday...I mean, please beat them in regulation.

Huh?  You'd rather have them play the Canucks instead of us?  Well what if I gave you a cookie as an enticement?  It'll be a good one too, not something plain Jane like sugar.  Oh no, we're talking something super delicious and exotic that would match your history.  I'm thinking Chocolate octopus chunk cookies.  Doesn't that sound yummy?

Close enough, right?

Just in case that amazing concoction doesn't sound appealing, I have taken the liberty of making a list of reasons why you would, nay!, should want to beat the Blackhawks:
-  They just beat you 4-2.  How disrespectful!
-  Pretty sure the Bowman's hi-jacked my twitter account and said a lot of nasty things about you over the past year.  Those jerks.
-  Mike Modano secretly still loves us...right?  No?  Oh.
-  Mike Modano would prefer to go through us in the playoffs after we defeat the Canucks for you.  Isn't that better?
-  Do you really want that punk ass bitch Marian Hossa to have a chance at the playoffs again?  After the shaft he gave you?
-  Because I'm writing you the most terrifical awesomest love letter ever, duh.

I hope all these reasons were super compelling and that you will take my suggestion seriously.

Much love,
XOXOXO,
Seriously though kill the Blackhawks for me,
Jason

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and disinfectant so that I may cleanse myself after this post, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work? 

3 comments:

  1. I've always hated you the most.

    ReplyDelete
  2. At least he's trying to be nice. A little. Maybe?

    ReplyDelete
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