Thursday, October 14, 2010

Strange Happenings and How We Got to 2-0

Well damn. As I sit down across from a Popeyes in an airport gate waiting area at 6am, I can’t help but think of how my friends and I named the 2009-2010 the “Season of Weird.” Crazy things were happening left and right, and honestly I’m still shocked the Coyotes didn’t somehow win the Stanley Cup, denounce the rest of the NHL, and defect to the KHL taking our title belt and throwing it in the trash on Monday Night TV prized Cup with them.

Then there is the 2010-2011 season. Hell, you don’t have to look very far to realize something is amiss. And yes, I’m talking to you 3-0-0 Toronto Maple Leafs. Really? Did y’all eat your Wheaties all summer long or something? If that isn’t crazy enough for you let’s also consider some other perfect records like the 2-0-0 Edmonton Oilers and Carolina Hurricanes. Whomever had both of those teams starting off with that record please raise your hand. Now quickly, everyone who is honest, take note of the liars amongst you and beat them to a bloody pulp. If it’s one thing in hockey we can’t tolerate, it’s liars (divers yes, liars…not so much). Still not convinced? Well why the hell not? Fine, Philadelphia suddenly has decent goaltending, Colton Orr got rocked in a fight, Mike Modano is on the team whose name we shall not speak, and for some crazy reason I’m destroying everyone I know in fantasy hockey. The prosecution rests.

However, in mentioning the absence of Modano on the Stars, I should also note they are one of the teams that are surprising many, yours included, with a 2-0-0 record. Not only that, but they have overtime and shootout wins. This is the same team that may as well have packed it in and given the other team 2 points once regulation ended tied last season, right? Let’s take a look at some reasons on how the Stars have managed to become undefeated, and how they might be able to string together 3 wins in a row for the first time since the 2008-2009 season when they face Detroit tonight:


- Turco usually spotted teams three goals to start a game, so Lehtonen’s two goal spot was really a piece of cake to overcome.

- After two quick first assists by the $100 million dollar man, Crawford had an assistant text Paul Bissonette to figure out what to say that could piss the Russian off.

- Was able to distract Brodeur by having players spray themselves with bacon grease similar to the Taco Bell commercial and then crash the net.

- Promised head coach John MacLean that they would let him start and finish the game with 20 skaters if he let the Stars win. He countered that the Devils should at least get an OT point. Done deal.


- Gave up 4 PPG’s in 2 games to lull the teams into a false sense of security considering the penalty kill was supposed to be a strength this year.

- Realized that despite how fragile Kari Lehtonen is, Andrew Raycroft isn’t getting anywhere near a start unless someone’s life hangs in the balance…and even in that case, I pray for that person.

- Only went to the shootout because Ribeiro wanted to prove to everyone that he could score without pulling off some insane move that no player in his right mind would ever try. (Note: Does not apply to Robbie Schremp)

- By the same token, also wanted to give James Neal the chance to bang his first shootout opportunity of the year off a goal post. Sadly, he missed the memo.

- Found out allowing only 23 shots on goal really helps to limit scoring chances. Hopefully Crawford informed them later that while this is true, they should try not to allow them all in one period.

- While on the surface Stephane Robidas’ two delay of game penalties on back-to-back shifts for shooting the puck out of play seems like poor play, in reality it was the Dallas defense counterbalancing the rest of their play all game, thus ensuring we’d only remember the awfulness that we’ve grown to expect and love.

Red Wings

- Plan on sticking a “Wide Load” bumper sticker on the posterior of Tomas Holmstrom in hopes that someone, ANYONE, will notice when he’s screening Kari Lehtonen.

- Jeff K has orchestrated it so that whenever Modano is about to take a faceoff, a heartfelt Modano moment will suddenly play in the American Airlines Center, thus ensuring his eyes are blinded by millions of tears.

- To combat the morale effects of the inevitable octopus thrown on the ice due to the overwhelming number of Detroit fans that attend Dallas games, the Stars Fanatics are planning on hurling live cattle.

- Had “Please present your AARP card before entering” signs posted at each blue line.

- If Mike Ribeiro can assault a police officer, then Pavel Datsyuk will be a piece of cake.

You may not agree, but that’s what I observed. Then again, maybe I’m just delirious from the smell of the chicken.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and deep dish pizzas, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?

1 comment:

  1. You forgot to mention that Andy Greene single handedly handed the game to the Dallas Stars by being responsible for the last 3 goals scored.