NHL Player Synonyms

So the wonderfully talented Down Goes Spezza and I were having a conversation the other day, when a precarious quote came into play:

You think the phrase "Stop being a Dallas Stars Defensemen" could replace "stop being useless and talentless"  - Down Goes Spezza

This obviously prompted a rebuttal from yours truly which defended the importance and value of the Dallas Stars defense among other things.  So it was then that we both wondered what other synonymous words for the NHL might be:

Dallas Stars Defense: Traffic cones, Stick holders, Punching bags, Reconstructive facial surgery models.

Matt Cooke: Tough NHL grinder, The best place to find an imprint of Evander Kane's fist, The reason Sean Avery isn't under the microscope when it comes to NHL rule changes.

Marc Savard: Playmaker, Contract bargain, Substitute for The Thinker.

Good God, could this concussion make me want to do anything less than sit here like this?

Wade Redden: A $6.5 million paper weight, the AHL's least valuable player, God's gift to NHL defenseman humor.


Kyle Wellwood: A talented center who weighed on the mind of the Coyotes GM for a roster spot, the reason Russia will run out of borsch and blinis, the inspiration for Connecticut's new logo.

Dominik Hasek: A human slinky, the Czech Republic's biggest donor via hockey related assault and personal property charges, The person who had the best view of losing the Stanley Cup to one Brett Hull.

Nazem Kadri: Future of the Maple Leafs, Disappointment, A devout Muslim who got demoted due to picking inopportune times to pray such as on the penalty kill.

Vesa Toskala: You know, it's really too easy.

Vesa on a good night.

Alexi Yashin: Excellent Russian talent, NHL's initial poster child for bad contracts, The reason the Islanders can reach the cap floor.

Dustin Byfuglien: A great playoff NHL forward, A crappy regular season NHL defenseman, Enough letters in his name to put the "FU" in "Dysfunctional $3,000,000 player."

Philadelphia Flyers Goaltending: Laughable, Injury prone, the future home of an unretiring Ed Belfour (his on and off-ice antics should make pray for someone as tame as Ron Hextall to return).

Mike Green: A poor man's Bobby Orr, NHL hair fashion coordinator, The only person who should be nominated as the Selke winner for as long as he plays.

Ilya Kovalchuk: Inspiration to young Russian players everywhere, The reason the LA Kings can afford to give their current roster extensions, Why New Jersey experienced a jelly shortage for a month.

Glen Sather: The man who hired Trottier without any coaching experience based solely on a 93 page application for the job, The GM who almost single handedly created the salary cap era despite not actually winning games, The only reason Darryl Sutter hasn't been committed to a mental institution.

Bryce Salvador: One of the few African American NHL players in the league, Another example of how playing the Philadelphia Flyers contributes to concussions, The sole reason the Dallas Stars won't win over the Devils on opening night by forfeit.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and synonyms for myself, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?