NBA - With a flair for physicality and elbows Chris Pronger (6' 6") is merely a whiter less skilled version of the NBA's Ron Artest (6' 7")...wait, Artest?...Pronger is merely a whiter version of the NBA's Ron Artest.
International Soccer - Aside from his departure from the NHL causing mad pandemonium among NHL execs and massive cheering from NHL fans, Crosby would find himself among his peers since he would fit in perfectly with the Italian divers, er, soccer players. One thing's for sure, he's gonna need a bigger dryer. Sid-ney-ole-ole-Sid-ney.
Poker - Sure anyone could do it, but after years of getting broken, battered, and bruised he has quite possibly the best poker face I've ever seen. I present to you Stephane Robidas.
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| When his nose bulges to the left he's bluffing...or is he? |
Baseball - While his catching might need some improvement, his knack for swinging for the fences would enable Keith Ballard to become the next great baseball legend.
MMA - A very tough category as there are obviously many great enforcers in the NHL. However, I feel strongly that one player stands above the rest for his innovative style that is necessary to survive in the world of mixed martial arts:
NASCAR - With an affinity and track record for changing tires, Brooks Laich make an amazing addition to any Pit Crew. Speaking of which, I wonder if Dany Heatley needs a crew. I hear he's an amazing driver. In related news, the NHL should ship Doc Emrick to be a commentator (give it a second, that joke/link will sink in).
IFOCE - Move over Joey Chestnut, with a great hunger and an unfilled desire and yearning to be the biggest, Kyle Wellwood would take the International Federation of Competitive Eating by storm.
Westminster Dog Show - Ok, so maybe it isn't classified as a professional sport, but how is Mike Ricci not a slam dunk for this?
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| Hide the poodles in heat, that is one good looking |
PBR (Professional Bull Riders) - You have to think that anyone that can take that much punishment to their face from Colton Orr has to have suffered enough brain damage to sit down on a pissed off bull.
PBA (Professional Bowlers Association) - It took some hard thought for this one, but finally I narrowed it down to the Montreal Canadien forwards. Who else would be able to provide the perfect number and size to field all 10 bowling pins?
Horse Racing Jockey - Ooooo, now that all the Canadiens forwards are busy getting pelted by big burly men's balls, who is left to ride ponies? Why none other that the NHL's resident midget Martin St. Louis.
Pro Wrestling - Let's be honest, half of the big stars in wrestling can't wrestle at all. The biggest key to success is being able to get over with the fans via your mic skills. Sound like someone we know? I think so!
| Fear wrestling's newest character, the Copy Editor |
Football - Ever since Jimmy Johnson retired and was relegated to Fox NFL Sunday, something is missing during football games. Not the amazing play calling or back-to-back super bowl champions, but rather watching someone get doused with Gatorade and seeing a nicely sculpted head of hair look...well, look as pristine and untouched as ever. This is why I don't care about retirement, someone needs to find a way for Kerry Fraser to get a job in the NFL.
Fencing - To be good at a sport like fencing, you need gifted hands, loads of talent, and a "no fear" attitude of getting cut by a blade. Richard Zednik, come on down!
Billiards - With spearing penalties like this, Rob Blake is a natural at hitting balls with long sticks.
Golf - If you are a member of the Dallas Stars, you better be raising your hands on this one.
Hockey - Finally, it would seem there are some people ready to make that next step towards becoming professional athletes. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2010-2011 Edmonton Oilers!
As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mails, and haikus for me, or just stalk me on Twitter, because what better things do you have to do while at work?
Your job as a future mother is to learn the god's ways and to help your child understand despite the negative reinforcement and conditioning of today's society. Without consciousous parents the child will have no hope, and may even exaserbate their disfavor by becoming corrupted in today's environment.
ReplyDeleteYour ultimate goal is to fix your relationship wiith the gods and move on. You don't want to be comfortable here, and the changes in Western society in the last 100 years has achieved just that.
1000 years with Jesus is the consolation prize. Don't be deceived into thinking that is the goal.
Much like the other prophets Mohhamed (polygamy/superiority over women/misogyny) and Jesus (forgiveness/savior), the gods use me for temptation as well. In today's modern society they feel people are most weak for popular culture/sensationalism, and the clues date back to WorldWarII and Unit731:TSUSHOGO, the Chinese Holocaust. They used this Situation to bury Japanese atrocities.
It has been discussed that, similar to the Matrix concept, the gods will offer a REAL "Second Coming of Christ", while the "fake" Second Coming will come at the end and follow New Testiment scripture and their xtian positioning. I may be that real Second Coming.
What I teach is the god's true way. It is what is expected of people, and only those who follow this truth will be eligible to ascend into heaven as children in a future life. They offered this event because the masses have just enough time to work on and fix their relationship with the gods and ascend, to move and grow past Planet Earth, before the obligatory xtian "consolation prize" of "1000 years with Jesus on Earth" begins.
The Prince of Darkness, battling the gods over the souls of the Damned.
It is the gods who have created this environment and led people into Damnation with temptation. The god's positioning proves they work to prevent people's understanding.
How often is xtian dogma wrong? Expect it is about the Lucifer issue as well.
The fallen god, fighting for justice for the disfavored, banished to Earth as the fallen angel?
I believe much as the Noah's Flood event, the end of the world will be initiated by revelry among the people. It will be positioned to be sanctioned by the gods and led for "1000 years with Jesus on Earth".
In light of modern developments this can entail many pleasures:::Medicine "cures" aging, the "manufacture" of incredible beauty via cloning as sex slaves, free (synthetic) cocaine, etc.
Somewhere during the 1000 years the party will start to "die off", literally. Only those who maintain chaste, pure lifestyles, resisting these temptations, will survive the 1000 years. Condemned to experience another epoch of planet's history for their ignorant pursuit of xtianity, they will be the candidates used to (re)colonize (the next) Planet Earth, condemned to relive the misery experienced by the peasantry during history due to their failure to ascend into heaven before the Apocalypse.
Never forget:::It is not a house of Jesus.
If this concept of Lucifer is true another role of this individual may be to initiate disfavor and temptation among this new poulation, the proverbial "apple" of this Garden of Eden. A crucial figure in the history of any planet, he begins the process of deterioration and decay that leads civilizations to where Planet Earth remains today.
Which one is it?:
One transitions into the other, allowing the gods to wash their hands of obligation to their Chosen One. My personal "consolation prize".
And since the gods never committed despite tens of billions in mass media, product development and natural disasters/tragedy they will employ the freedom they positioned into the Situation and CHEAT me out of everything.
Fuck the hundred trillion year-old gods and their "gangster capitalism" positioning:::The Matrix.