Saturday, September 11, 2010

The NHL is Going Sammich

For those that don't know, aside from hockey, a huge passion of mine is food.  So I was beyond thrilled to hear that the NHL was getting into the sandwich business. isn't, but if it did I'm pretty sure the menu would look something similar to this:

The Alexander Daigle -  Porchetta, aged provolone, and a balsamic drizzle on baguette.  Easily the best sandwich you will ever taste.  Really.  We're not joking at all.  For realsies people!
The Wayne Gretzky - Just kidding, the best sandwich ever is really this one.
The Sidney Crosby - Salami, cappicola, mortadella, swiss cheese, lettuce, and tomato served on toasted brioche topped with an olive tapanade.  Comes with a complimentary glass of whine.
The Ilya Kovalchuk - Peanut butter and jelly on white bread.  Caution: may contain broken glass.
The Mike Sillinger - This particular sandwich changes on a bi-monthly basis.
The Thrasher - Not quite sure what is in it, but it tastes eerily like our #1 sandwich that we served last year.
The Dan Ellis - Packed full of baloney on Walmart brand bread, this sandwich is sure to make you want to have an 18% refund.
The Jiri Fischer - Thick slabs of prime rib slathered in au jus, topped with bacon, and then deep fried.  Caution: May cause heart failure.
The Wendel Clark - Just a healthy dose of knuckles.
The Kyle Wellwood -  Chicken tenders, mozzarella sticks, fried jalapenos, bacon, sausage, french fries, onion rings, deep fried oreos, rocky mountain oysters, and an entire McDonald's Big Mac stuffed between 2 delicious glazed donuts.

The closest I can even come to estimating what the Wellwood looks like. (courtesy: I bet you won't)
The Gary Bettman - Turkey, lettuce, tomato, and mayo on your choice of bread.  The number one sandwich of NBA supporters since February of 1993!
The Jaromir Jagr - Schnitzel with lettuce, sauteed onions, and a roasted red pepper spread.  What self respecting sandwich shop would have no Jagr?
The Steve Moore - Just Vegetables.
The Montreal Canadien - Marinated moose skirt steak served accompanied by a delicious pesto on sourdough bread.  If you can finish the entire thing in 60 minutes, you receive a complimentary flaming shot.
The Mike Modano - A delicious collaboration of perfectly charred steak, avocado, yellow tomato, and horseradish mayo on an old stale red and white striped roll.  We then have Tom Hicks personally serve it to you, but only after taking a nice big dump directly on top of it.

Upgrades (for a nominal fee):
Sean Avery it - Order any sandwich and get the half eaten leftovers from a previous day.
Bob Probert it - Add fresh jalapenos and habeneros, then a healthy dose of hot sauce to any sandwich. You ass wishes it never went near this upgrade.
Alexi Yashin it - Pay extra to enjoy the privilege of eating your NHL sandwich at another restaurant.
Martin St. Louis it - Enjoy any sandwich we offer, but at half the size.
Jeremy Roenick it - Take any sandwich we offer, and blend it into a fabulous smoothie. Very easy to swallow.
Glen Sather it - Enjoy a fabulous NHL sandwich with no changes to it, but now at double the retail price.
Kris Draper it - Pile on the ground meat and marinara sauce. Comes with a complimentary plastic surgery evaluation.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and picture of what you think the Wellwood would look like, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?


  1. You forgot:

    The Tuukka Rask: good until the last bite, then makes you choke.

    The Jaroslav Halak: Ham, roast beef, turkey and cheese on a nice ciabatta. It's the best sandwich ever...but will mysteriously disappear and be replaced by a smoking piece of soggy bread next year

  2. The Chicago Blackhawks: warm roast beef topped with spicy guacamole, red onions and thick pepper bacon. One of the best sandwiches you've ever had, except you can only eat it once. After that, they get rid of all the ingredients.

  3. Hilarious, man, I actually laughed out loud and made Eleanor look at me funny.

  4. Great post Jason. Oddly enough I had an idea similar to this a little while ago. I'm glad I never went with it because this is so much better. Awesome work.

    The Steve Moore was mean and hilarious.