Thursday, September 9, 2010

Other NHL Freak Accidents

Sure some might think Dan Ellis' Twitter meltdown and eventual departure is yesterday's big news, but I'm not one of those people.  I mean if you were really gonna shut down your twitter wouldn't you delete it instead of just saying goodbye?  Ya...  Anyway, the big news of the day to me was that Minnesota Wild center James Sheppard broke his kneecap while riding an ATV and is out for 4 months.  Sure you've never heard of the guy, and to be honest, until today, neither had I!  So why is this big news?  Just think of all the bizarre accidental injuries that have happened in the NHL world.  There was the time Joe Sakic broke 3 fingers and injured tendons using a snow blower.  There was the Dan Boyle incident where he sliced a tendon in his wrist hanging up his skates.  And who can forget the time that Brian Burke had Jeff Finger's right arm broken so he could become a left-handed shot?  Ok, so maybe that last one never actually happened.  I've done some research today and have found some other freak accidents that occurred to NHL players:

-  When he was much younger Carey Price was hit in the head when someone dropped a paint can off the side of a building.  This would likely explain why a guy with a sub .500 record thought he could hold out on signing a contract in order to make three or four times the amount that Dan Ellis does.

-  Not necessarily an accident, but Derek Boogaard underwent a procedure in his early teens that infused his bones with gold leaf similar to that of Wolverine and adamantium.  This is obviously the only explanation as to why someone who has the hockey talent of a gerbil is able to earn $1.625 million this season.

- During a millennium New Year Eve party Colton Orr had his right hand shattered when a glass punch bowl slipped and fell on it when he was trying to chug the last of it to show up some friends.  It was so severe that he had a steel plate put into it.  You can find the serial number of said plate implanted into Matt Carkner's face.

- Little known fact, that unlike Sami Salo who had a bit of an uncomfortable time during the playoffs, Vesa Toskala had both testicles removed in an odd and bizarre Finnish ritual.  Sadly, something went terribly awry during said ritual as some of the fire that was used to cauterize the skin burnt burnt his retinas.  The combination of the two has led to an abnormally larger 5-hole and a lack of ability to stop anything, and I mean anything, sent his way.

- In 2010 Darryl Sutter had a $5 off coupon for a pet rock.  He instead accidentally applied it to Ian White's new contract.

- During 2005, deciding that despite being a pro-athlete, he needed to get gastric bypass surgery to keep his lean figure, Kyle Wellwood was going to be the model of NHL fitness.  Unfortunately, something went terribly wrong, and instead of tying off part of his stomach, the doctor somehow added more capacity to it, enabling Wellwood to consume entire pizza buffets in one sitting before ever feeling full.

- After the 2001-02 season a CVS Pharmacy cashier accidentally put real vitamins in the bag of Martin St Louis instead of the Flintstones ones he had purchased.  The actual nutrients in those vitamins enabled him to be good at hockey.

- Dave Tallon had some accidents in 2009 regarding FedEx-ing qualifying offers, but in the summer of 2008 he accidentally signed Cristobal Huet and Brian Campbell to hefty contracts assuming they would actually play to expectations.  Thankfully for Blackhawk fans, he can't make those kinds of mistakes again.

- The real reason for the Dustin Byfuglien trade to Atlanta wasn't to get rid of his salary, but instead was a result yet another freak accident where Dustin bit off a portion of his own tongue trying to correctly pronounce and spell his name to the cup engraver for the 2,174th time.  Stan Bowman doesn't like players with only half a tongue.

- When Taylor Hall grew up he had the unfortunate accident of being much better at hockey than all of his peers even going so far as becoming the first player to ever be awarded 2 Stafford Smythe Memorial Trophys.  Sadly this amazing abundance of talent landed him in Edmonton.  I'm sure that's Wyshysnki's fault though.

- In the summer of 2009, newly hired GM Joe Nieuwendyk took the entire Dallas defense to Texas Motor Speedway for team building and give them a preview of his expectations for the upcoming season.  His goal was for them to play as fast as they could and give it their all, for the eventual "victory lap" with the Stanley Cup.  Sadly, the players instead keyed in on what an excellent job the traffic cones did at staying stationary.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and favorite Chinese takeout number for me, or just stalk me on Twitter (not like ex-girlfriend stalk me though), because what better things do you have to do while at work?


  1. Funnier than I thought it wold be... good job.

  2. Great post; I'd love to do a part 2 of it, but I honestly do not think I am capable of coming close to the hilarity expressed here