Movember Rain

For those of you that took Guns 'N Roses as the first title pun I'd ever use, please collect your 45,000,000 to 1 winnings.  Anyway, if you can't tell yet, I am participating in Movember this year.  For those living under a Mexican work boot, Movember is where a bunch of dudes, and that one lady from the circus, get together, shave their faces, and then grow some really bitching upper lip fuzz for an entire month all in the name of prostate cancer awareness/research.  In joining this wonderful cause, I've banded together with some Dallas Stars fans in an effort to make sure everyone hear's our message (NOTE: It is unwise to treat this like the penis game.  Yelling "prostate awareness" louder and louder isn't nearly as amusing.).  That being said, here's a nifty link that I've been provided with so make sure you click on it and give me half of your life savings or something.  Worst case scenario just take your mom or dad's credit card and fork over what you can, I'm not greedy (I just want to beat everyone else).

However, if that wasn't a convincing enough reason to donate, then I guess I will be forced to give you the top ten-ish reasons that you should sponsor me for Movember:

10)  It's tax deductible and everyone likes paying less taxes.
9)  The more you give, the more it grows...that's what she said?
8)  There's a really good chance that despite Crosby's head start, I can still grow something better than him by the end of day 2.
7)  If someone donates an insane amount of money, I might let them pick out which type of mustache I grow
6)  It's better to spend your money on the sponsorship than on the December 1st "Movember Souvenoir Hairs" auction that will take place on eBay.
5)  By donating you can at least feel quasi better about using the joke "I mustache you a question" all month long.
4)  I'd donate to your cause if it involved public humilation.
3)  Despite the name, it really has nothing to do with a crazy month long Mike Modano orgy...swearsies!
2)  I am willing to send a special mystery thank you gift to the top donation under my name. It might be homemade edible goodies, it might be some autographed memorabilia, it might be the unclaimed eBay mustache trimmings, YOU NEVER KNOW WITH THE MYSTERY PRIZE!
1)  Seriously people, it's for cancer research, help fix the world.

Thanks again for all the support...and laughter.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and DONATIONS!, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work? 

You Know You're a Stars Fan If...

Well folks it's been a while.  You see, here at Discard What You Don't Need we (and by "we" I mean "me," but it sounds more impressive if I have staff) went out and found important things to do during the day instead of pretending to work all the while surfing Twitter on our phones and playing Words With Friends non-stop.  Yes sir, now there are important tasks at hand like peddling chicken and pork snouts.  Suck on that old job at the Coconut Tree.

Now this also means that I'm not around during the day anymore to enrich everyone's life with snarky comments about the NHL and specifically the Dallas Stars.  So I'm going to just spill my thoughts here now without a fear of 140 character restrictions.  And yes, it means I'm getting to this before the NHL does, feel free to launch your "premature" jokes all you want, but I'm having my lawyers come after you when you steal one of my jokes because no one should be subjected to this type of unfunny humor more than once.  So without further ado, you know you're a Stars fan if...

- ...you remember a time when Stars vs Oilers wasn't a lottery ball competition, but rather a playoff series given.
- ...the torturous death you have planned for Tom Hicks makes the revenge kill scene in Law Abiding Citizen look like a relaxing day in the spa in comparison.
- ...you've ever cracked a joke offering someone a billion dollars.
- ...you know what a Woywitka is, but wish you didn't.
- ...you're going to name all your children either Jamie or Benn regardless of their sex.
- ...Martin Skoula (no really, that's the entire joke).
- ...you can't hear all the crying regarding an alleged foot in a crease because it's being drowned out by Queen's "We Are The Champions." (Seriously though people, it was, but we don't care, and they sure as hell wouldn't have won the next game in Dallas is they won that OT game)
- ...you're glad football season goes on during hockey season since it not only takes traffic away from Dallas, but it also means Jean-Jacques Taylor isn't going to write a single column about them until at least January or February.
- ...you not only know there is a Fox Sports Plus, but have the channel number memorized for your cable provider.
- ...the only reason you can laugh at the Patrik Stefan gaff is because you remember that we actually won that game in the SO.
- ...you wish the Ambassador of Fun stuck to that job instead of signing douchebags to deals we may or may not still be paying for.
- ...you know his name is Brian, not Darren you moron.
- ...you're terrified of the Ribiero/Ryder reunion because you have Turgeon/Young flashbacks.
- ...you remember a time before Dan Ellis was a self absorbed money mongering ass and was just a back-up goalie.  Oh...well, at least if you can remember that first part.
- ...you celebrate Cinco de Morrow.
- ...you knew Sergei Zubov was an insanely talented hockey player not just because of what he did on the ice, but because he was a pack-a-day cigarette fiend.
- ...you received your complimentary Jeremy Roenick jaw fragment courtesy of Derian Hatcher.
- ...you know the most beautiful hip checks ever seen did not come from Rob Blake, but rather Craig Ludwig.
- ...you never cared if Darryl Sydor played decent hockey in his second and third stints with the team because you knew his level of dedication after the 2000 Stanley Cup Finals.
- ...you would have traded Matt Niskanen for the opportunity to be subjected to the ebola virus and still felt like you got the better end of the deal...by far.
- ...you wanted Marc Crawford fired...like 5 minutes after he was hired.
- ...you remember how amazing Reunion Arena was compared to the acoustical shit show that is the American Airlines Center.
- ...you would have gone on a murderous rampage had Johnathan Cheechoo actually made the team in 2010.
- ...you've ever had heart palpitations when Marty Turco went to play a puck.
- ...you still giggle that we once employed a guy named Tugnutt (perhaps my friends only).
- ...you're pissed that I haven't mentioned Richard Matvichuk, Neal Broten, Mark Tinordi, Andy Moog, Mike Keane, Jere Lehtinen, Joe Nieuwendyk, Bill Guerin, Kirk Muller, Brad Richards, Aaron Downey's fists of awesomeness, or Mike Modano among other former players, but truth is none of them did funny things.
- ...you DON'T own a Mooterus jersey.  Those things are just horrible and no real fan would have ever purchased one.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and cell phone reminders so I can start posting again, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work? 

Mt. Puckmore Revisited

First and foremost, it's time to get serious.  I've owned my house for 2 years and have never sat at my office desk any longer than it has taken me to file away bills or print out pictures of cats with poor grammar attached to them, so you know if I'm writing this post from said aforementioned desk, that this is serious business and isn't going to be a post with millions of Wellwood is fat (He didn't play for the Stars, so it can't be) or Martin Skoula has the defensive prowess of a Tic-Tac jokes (Whoops, forgot about 2005-06...good thing I was able to obtain this video of a Montreal forward going up against Martin Skoula 1-on-1.  If you look closely you'll see a special rare appearance by Niko Kapanen by the blue line).  Nope, I'm here to respond to The Dallas Morning News' Mike Heika who was privileged enough to write the Dallas Stars Mt. Puckmore for Yahoo!'s Puck Daddy Blog.

First off let's tackle Mr. Heika's four faces: Modano, Gainey, Belfour, and Lehtinen.  Modano was obviously a lock.  He had to be.  You do not leave out the "Face of the Franchise" when it comes to Puckmore.  It's stupid.  It would be like not calling a penalty on a blatant violation of the rules.

In Gainey, I honestly feel ashamed that I didn't even think of him when I compiled my own list of four candidates.  He truly coached the team well and built the foundation for the great years of playoff success we had.  The day he left the organization was a sad day for me since I did not really trust Doug Armstrong with the keys to the Stars organization.

I can't really get upset with either the Belfour or Lehtinen picks.  Both have the support that they should in terms of being eligible.  Lehtinen deserves it for his accomplishments (6 Selke nominations, 3 wins in addition to leading the team in goals 2 years in a row among other stats) in addition to being a Star for life.  As for Eddie...well, I still can't shake my memory of him being Billionaire Belfour.

This all leads me to my own nominations for Mt. Puckmore.  The ones that should have made it because they are so important to the deciding criteria of "four people...who you remember most when you think of these teams -- whether they be players, coaches or executives."

Sadly not even close to the strangest thing put in there (source: Cornell)

Joe Nieuwenmynameisreallyhardtospelldyk

I know a lot of people probably disagree that he is someone that is remembered the most, but he deserves to be here for other reasons than being the #2 center for the Stars.  Gainey traded a guy that one day might crack an NHL lineup for Joe.  Aside from being ballsy, it suddenly added a legitimate punctuation mark to the Stars team in terms of how serious a Southern market was willing to be in hopes of winning a Stanley Cup.  Suddenly more and more free agents were willing to look at Dallas as a viable destination.  Keep in mind he notched six game winning goals and won the Conn Smythe in 1999.  As for today...well, he's still well known.  Mainly as someone that can't seem to put together a winning team at all.  He's also the guy that had to make the announcement that Modano would not be offered a contract.  Tough break, but it does mean memories.

Sir, you appear to have a squirrel tail coming out of your nose.

Jaromir "Puff Nuts" Jagr

Because what self respecting blogger wouldn't include Jagr in their Mt. Puckmore?  When you look at the stats it further shows how amazing he was.  Since the 2000-01 season, when playing with Stars players he was literally a point a game player (9 games, 4 goals, 5 assists).  Not even Mike Modano has that distinction.  What's that?  Jagr never put on a Stars uniform?  Get the F out of here!  Oh well.

Only thing it's missing is a Liverpool banner (source: Dallas Sports Fans)

Thomas O. Hicks

Yes, I hate the man.  Nay, I despite the man.  I've had to endure him and his family long before he owned the Stars, and will likely have to do the same long after he has sold them.  One thing needs to be made perfectly clear though, he has done excellent things in taking this team where was a few years ago.  He has done some horrible things to the team to turn it into what it is today.  His finances are the reasons for our success and failures.  He was able to turn an $84 million team with virtually no future being in a southern market, into a team worth $246 million at the end of 2009.  Like him or hate him, he truly has defined the Stars for better or worse.

I see nothing wrong with this picture (source: The Star)

Brett Hull's Left Foot

Like you didn't see this coming.  Brett Hull's left foot is easily the most famous and recognizable...player?...executive?...hmm...ok, so it doesn't fit the exact word-for-word criteria for Mt. Puckmore, but you can't tell me you don't think of this moment when you think of the Dallas Stars.  If you disagree, then I encourage you to go to any hockey city in the US, for example's sake let's pick one completely at random like Buffalo, and ask the first 10 people you see walking down the street the first thing that comes into their head when they hear the words "Dallas Stars."  After you eliminate the one person that breaks down and cries, the two people that curse at you, and Scott Norwood exclaiming "Thank God!" you are left with six people who are obviously going to say Brett Hull's left foot.  It's proven fact, just look it up.

Please remember there is a lovely comment section you can take full advantage of and leave your scathing remarks for me to read, or you can harass me on twitter.  It's all up to you.