You Know You're a Stars Fan If...

Well folks it's been a while.  You see, here at Discard What You Don't Need we (and by "we" I mean "me," but it sounds more impressive if I have staff) went out and found important things to do during the day instead of pretending to work all the while surfing Twitter on our phones and playing Words With Friends non-stop.  Yes sir, now there are important tasks at hand like peddling chicken and pork snouts.  Suck on that old job at the Coconut Tree.

Now this also means that I'm not around during the day anymore to enrich everyone's life with snarky comments about the NHL and specifically the Dallas Stars.  So I'm going to just spill my thoughts here now without a fear of 140 character restrictions.  And yes, it means I'm getting to this before the NHL does, feel free to launch your "premature" jokes all you want, but I'm having my lawyers come after you when you steal one of my jokes because no one should be subjected to this type of unfunny humor more than once.  So without further ado, you know you're a Stars fan if...

- ...you remember a time when Stars vs Oilers wasn't a lottery ball competition, but rather a playoff series given.
- ...the torturous death you have planned for Tom Hicks makes the revenge kill scene in Law Abiding Citizen look like a relaxing day in the spa in comparison.
- ...you've ever cracked a joke offering someone a billion dollars.
- ...you know what a Woywitka is, but wish you didn't.
- ...you're going to name all your children either Jamie or Benn regardless of their sex.
- ...Martin Skoula (no really, that's the entire joke).
- ...you can't hear all the crying regarding an alleged foot in a crease because it's being drowned out by Queen's "We Are The Champions." (Seriously though people, it was, but we don't care, and they sure as hell wouldn't have won the next game in Dallas is they won that OT game)
- ...you're glad football season goes on during hockey season since it not only takes traffic away from Dallas, but it also means Jean-Jacques Taylor isn't going to write a single column about them until at least January or February.
- ...you not only know there is a Fox Sports Plus, but have the channel number memorized for your cable provider.
- ...the only reason you can laugh at the Patrik Stefan gaff is because you remember that we actually won that game in the SO.
- ...you wish the Ambassador of Fun stuck to that job instead of signing douchebags to deals we may or may not still be paying for.
- ...you know his name is Brian, not Darren you moron.
- ...you're terrified of the Ribiero/Ryder reunion because you have Turgeon/Young flashbacks.
- ...you remember a time before Dan Ellis was a self absorbed money mongering ass and was just a back-up goalie.  Oh...well, at least if you can remember that first part.
- ...you celebrate Cinco de Morrow.
- ...you knew Sergei Zubov was an insanely talented hockey player not just because of what he did on the ice, but because he was a pack-a-day cigarette fiend.
- ...you received your complimentary Jeremy Roenick jaw fragment courtesy of Derian Hatcher.
- ...you know the most beautiful hip checks ever seen did not come from Rob Blake, but rather Craig Ludwig.
- ...you never cared if Darryl Sydor played decent hockey in his second and third stints with the team because you knew his level of dedication after the 2000 Stanley Cup Finals.
- ...you would have traded Matt Niskanen for the opportunity to be subjected to the ebola virus and still felt like you got the better end of the deal...by far.
- ...you wanted Marc Crawford fired...like 5 minutes after he was hired.
- ...you remember how amazing Reunion Arena was compared to the acoustical shit show that is the American Airlines Center.
- ...you would have gone on a murderous rampage had Johnathan Cheechoo actually made the team in 2010.
- ...you've ever had heart palpitations when Marty Turco went to play a puck.
- ...you still giggle that we once employed a guy named Tugnutt (perhaps my friends only).
- ...you're pissed that I haven't mentioned Richard Matvichuk, Neal Broten, Mark Tinordi, Andy Moog, Mike Keane, Jere Lehtinen, Joe Nieuwendyk, Bill Guerin, Kirk Muller, Brad Richards, Aaron Downey's fists of awesomeness, or Mike Modano among other former players, but truth is none of them did funny things.
- ...you DON'T own a Mooterus jersey.  Those things are just horrible and no real fan would have ever purchased one.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and cell phone reminders so I can start posting again, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work? 

Toto, We're Not In Dallas Anymore

How bout them Cowboys Stars?  Well, to be perfectly honest, they are who we thought they were.  They currently sit in a tie for 12th place with the Minnesota Wild with 16 points in 15 games.  The last time the Stars received a point?  Oh ya, that's back when Kovalchoke wasn't scoring at all and giving us a good laugh on a nightly basis: November 5th in Dallas in the drubbing of the Coyotes.  That was also one night after the amazingly well played 5-2 win over the Penguins, also at home.  Then things went bad.  The Stars left the comfort and familiarity of the American Airlines Center (I'm sure the 200 fans that showed up each night were crushed), and went to add to their absolutely atrocious 4% road power play.  That isn't a typo.  I didn't leave off a "1" at the beginning.  It's 1 for 25.  That means it's been over a month since the Stars found the back of the net in an advantage situation.  Only the Devils sport a worse road power play than the Stars.  My question is, when you're on the man advantage, or even two-man advantage as there were a few times, doesn't shooting a puck at the net accidentally go in more than 4% of the time?

Sadly, I'm not even as upset about that as I should be.  Oh no.  We went from the most explosive offense in the NHL to scoring 3 goals in three away games.  That isn't really going to get the job done unless you're playing supreme defense, which, oh ya, finally proved they are as bad as I thought.  Trust me, if I had the ability to replace Nik Grossman during the Getzlaf goal with a ballerina doing a pirouette I'd be all over it.  God forbid the Stars play the Wings anytime soon because Tomas Holmstrom will be allowed to drop anchor in front of Lehtonen for as long as it takes Khabibulin to drop his GAA under 3.5...which means he'll be there a while.  Seriously, where is Derian Hatcher to physically pick someone up and relocate them when you need it?  Or better yet, where is Ed Belfour to gently encourage you to move in a way only he can?  Plain and simple, if Lehtonen sees you coming, you aren't scoring, but if the core of 6 turnstiles on the ice each night want to let everyone do what they want in front of the net, then it's going to be a long season.

Oh, and I'm sure y'all want comments regarding the blatant LA Kings diving penalty filled game against the Kings and all, but instead of attempting that and ending up with bloody damaged sheet rock in my house, I'm going to give y'all some bonus NHLOL from the previous week that didn't make it in because I'm stupid and saved them in the wrong spot.  Enjoy.

 

AP and other images via Yahoo! and ESPN/Getty Images.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and Dustin Brown diving excuses/rebutals, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?