Discard What You Don't Need

Movember Rain

2011-11-01T21:27:00.000-05:00

For those of you that took Guns 'N Roses as the first title pun I'd ever use, please collect your 45,000,000 to 1 winnings. Anyway, if you can't tell yet, I am participating in Movember this year. For those living under a Mexican work boot, Movember is where a bunch of dudes, and that one lady from the circus, get together, shave their faces, and then grow some really bitching upper lip fuzz for an entire month all in the name of prostate cancer awareness/research. In joining this wonderful cause, I've banded together with some Dallas Stars fans in an effort to make sure everyone hear's our message (NOTE: It is unwise to treat this like the penis game. Yelling "prostate awareness" louder and louder isn't nearly as amusing.). That being said, here's a nifty link that I've been provided with so make sure you click on it and give me half of your life savings or something. Worst case scenario just take your mom or dad's credit card and fork over what you can, I'm not greedy (I just want to beat everyone else).

However, if that wasn't a convincing enough reason to donate, then I guess I will be forced to give you the top ten-ish reasons that you should sponsor me for Movember:

10) It's tax deductible and everyone likes paying less taxes.
9) The more you give, the more it grows...that's what she said?
8) There's a really good chance that despite Crosby's head start, I can still grow something better than him by the end of day 2.
7) If someone donates an insane amount of money, I might let them pick out which type of mustache I grow
6) It's better to spend your money on the sponsorship than on the December 1st "Movember Souvenoir Hairs" auction that will take place on eBay.
5) By donating you can at least feel quasi better about using the joke "I mustache you a question" all month long.
4) I'd donate to your cause if it involved public humilation.
3) Despite the name, it really has nothing to do with a crazy month long Mike Modano orgy...swearsies!
2) I am willing to send a special mystery thank you gift to the top donation under my name. It might be homemade edible goodies, it might be some autographed memorabilia, it might be the unclaimed eBay mustache trimmings, YOU NEVER KNOW WITH THE MYSTERY PRIZE!
1) Seriously people, it's for cancer research, help fix the world.

Thanks again for all the support...and laughter.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and DONATIONS!, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?

You Know You're a Stars Fan If...

2011-09-05T18:00:00.000-05:00

Well folks it's been a while. You see, here at Discard What You Don't Need we (and by "we" I mean "me," but it sounds more impressive if I have staff) went out and found important things to do during the day instead of pretending to work all the while surfing Twitter on our phones and playing Words With Friends non-stop. Yes sir, now there are important tasks at hand like peddling chicken and pork snouts. Suck on that old job at the Coconut Tree.

Now this also means that I'm not around during the day anymore to enrich everyone's life with snarky comments about the NHL and specifically the Dallas Stars. So I'm going to just spill my thoughts here now without a fear of 140 character restrictions. And yes, it means I'm getting to this before the NHL does, feel free to launch your "premature" jokes all you want, but I'm having my lawyers come after you when you steal one of my jokes because no one should be subjected to this type of unfunny humor more than once. So without further ado, you know you're a Stars fan if...

- ...you remember a time when Stars vs Oilers wasn't a lottery ball competition, but rather a playoff series given.
- ...the torturous death you have planned for Tom Hicks makes the revenge kill scene in Law Abiding Citizen look like a relaxing day in the spa in comparison.
- ...you've ever cracked a joke offering someone a billion dollars.
- ...you know what a Woywitka is, but wish you didn't.
- ...you're going to name all your children either Jamie or Benn regardless of their sex.
- ...Martin Skoula (no really, that's the entire joke).
- ...you can't hear all the crying regarding an alleged foot in a crease because it's being drowned out by Queen's "We Are The Champions." (Seriously though people, it was, but we don't care, and they sure as hell wouldn't have won the next game in Dallas is they won that OT game)
- ...you're glad football season goes on during hockey season since it not only takes traffic away from Dallas, but it also means Jean-Jacques Taylor isn't going to write a single column about them until at least January or February.
- ...you not only know there is a Fox Sports Plus, but have the channel number memorized for your cable provider.
- ...the only reason you can laugh at the Patrik Stefan gaff is because you remember that we actually won that game in the SO.
- ...you wish the Ambassador of Fun stuck to that job instead of signing douchebags to deals we may or may not still be paying for.
- ...you know his name is Brian, not Darren you moron.
- ...you're terrified of the Ribiero/Ryder reunion because you have Turgeon/Young flashbacks.
- ...you remember a time before Dan Ellis was a self absorbed money mongering ass and was just a back-up goalie. Oh...well, at least if you can remember that first part.
- ...you celebrate Cinco de Morrow.
- ...you knew Sergei Zubov was an insanely talented hockey player not just because of what he did on the ice, but because he was a pack-a-day cigarette fiend.
- ...you received your complimentary Jeremy Roenick jaw fragment courtesy of Derian Hatcher.
- ...you know the most beautiful hip checks ever seen did not come from Rob Blake, but rather Craig Ludwig.
- ...you never cared if Darryl Sydor played decent hockey in his second and third stints with the team because you knew his level of dedication after the 2000 Stanley Cup Finals.
- ...you would have traded Matt Niskanen for the opportunity to be subjected to the ebola virus and still felt like you got the better end of the deal...by far.
- ...you wanted Marc Crawford fired...like 5 minutes after he was hired.
- ...you remember how amazing Reunion Arena was compared to the acoustical shit show that is the American Airlines Center.
- ...you would have gone on a murderous rampage had Johnathan Cheechoo actually made the team in 2010.
- ...you've ever had heart palpitations when Marty Turco went to play a puck.
- ...you still giggle that we once employed a guy named Tugnutt (perhaps my friends only).
- ...you're pissed that I haven't mentioned Richard Matvichuk, Neal Broten, Mark Tinordi, Andy Moog, Mike Keane, Jere Lehtinen, Joe Nieuwendyk, Bill Guerin, Kirk Muller, Brad Richards, Aaron Downey's fists of awesomeness, or Mike Modano among other former players, but truth is none of them did funny things.
- ...you DON'T own a Mooterus jersey. Those things are just horrible and no real fan would have ever purchased one.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and cell phone reminders so I can start posting again, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?

And This Is What It's Come To...

2011-04-09T01:51:00.001-05:00

Dearest Red Wings,

Do you mind if I call you Wingies? I want to ensure you're really comfy and satisfied with that. What about Wings McKings? That connotates royalty and thus rich and prosperous things. Ok, Wingies it is. Have I mentioned I've had a cocktail or two? Ya. Let's start this over fresh, since technically that's what this is all about: starting over.

Dearest Wingies,

Have I mentioned how handsome and amazing y'all are? Cause it's true.

Let's start by just putting our past differences behind us. Those "Die in a fire" threats and "Dead Things" comments, I didn't mean any of those. I was just joshing! You know, like how Dustin Brown pretends he gets shot by a bullet whenever someone skates near him, it was all acting. But ya, I never meant a word of those things. Swearsies. I mean you do have Mike Modano playing for you. That's like the most favoritest Dallas Star in the entire world, thus A+++++, would cheer for again.

Can I get y'all some slippers and a newspaper? Just an idea. I mean if you need anything you just let me know.

Speaking of anything: remember when everyone in the world hated Todd Bertuzzi and I was the only moron that was willing to defend him in the sense that while I did not condone what he did, it was irresponsibility on both team's coaches as well as the refs part for what happened? Ya...you should probably reward me for that very high profile backing. I'm pretty sure I got a +1 on some forum boards for one of the comments I made. That's high quality praise right there Wingies.

Anyway, enough flattery from me, I'm sure you get that from all the beautiful women that flock to your games as well as adoring fans. I thought that maybe, just maybe you might want to help out someone as wonderful and supportive of your organization as myself. How can you do this? It's really simple: rip the entrails from the lifeless bodies of the Blackhawks on Sunday...I mean, please beat them in regulation.

Huh? You'd rather have them play the Canucks instead of us? Well what if I gave you a cookie as an enticement? It'll be a good one too, not something plain Jane like sugar. Oh no, we're talking something super delicious and exotic that would match your history. I'm thinking Chocolate octopus chunk cookies. Doesn't that sound yummy?

Close enough, right?

Just in case that amazing concoction doesn't sound appealing, I have taken the liberty of making a list of reasons why you ~~would~~, nay!, should want to beat the Blackhawks:
- They just beat you 4-2. How disrespectful!
- Pretty sure the Bowman's hi-jacked my twitter account and said a lot of nasty things about you over the past year. Those jerks.
- Mike Modano secretly still loves us...right? No? Oh.
- Mike Modano would prefer to go through us in the playoffs after we defeat the Canucks for you. Isn't that better?
- Do you really want that punk ass bitch Marian Hossa to have a chance at the playoffs again? After the shaft he gave you?
- Because I'm writing you the most terrifical awesomest love letter ever, duh.

I hope all these reasons were super compelling and that you will take my suggestion seriously.

Much love,
XOXOXO,
Seriously though kill the Blackhawks for me,
Jason

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and disinfectant so that I may cleanse myself after this post, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?

Just Call Me Champion

2011-04-04T22:56:00.000-05:00

When I set out to begin this hockey season I had a few objectives in mind (seriously, if I used the word "goals" I was going to have to punch myself in the nuts and serve a life sentence in pun jail):

-Write about the atrocity that is the Dallas Stars defense (special thank yous to Jeff Woywitka and Matt Niskanen for making that a slam dunk)
-Write about my hatred of Tom Hicks (it seems with everything coming out lately that others have done more than I ever could have put on paper)
-Make at least two people laugh while reading a post...well...giggle...or at least smirk a little bit
-Win some fantasy hockey leagues

Yes, win some fantasy hockey leagues. Welcome my readers, I am a stat nerd. I usually get to the championship game in all my football leagues (we're just going to ignore this past season, like next year's, it doesn't exist) mainly because I don't look at player's names or what team they play for, I pick people based on historical statistical production. In hockey I find myself at a disadvantage because I have certain rules like never being allowed to draft a Red Wings player. Two years ago I gave that rule up realizing it was costing me dearly, and now look at me.

The sweetest Hat Trick ever

Yep, that's not one, not two, but three blowout victories in the finals. I am what Darcy Tucker was to Sami Kapanen: an absolute knock out. Ladies, I know you wish to send me your now moistened underwear, but please, I can only receive so many packages in the mail before the mailman gets suspicious and starts asking unnecessary questions.

I'd like to thank everyone foolish enough for inviting me to be a part of their league. I hope that next season you dedicate the password naming rights to yours truly. It's gonna be simple, it's going to be epic, it's going to be "WoywitkaBlowsAss." Well that, or I expect three nice pretty trophies to show up at work tomorrow with my name engraved on them.

Special thanks again to everyone who made "Benn There Done That," "A Flock of Segals," and "Niskanen Fodder" what they are today. And for the record, no I did not trade Brad Richards. Morons.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and digital trophies, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?

Straight Edge 101 - A Dedication to Down Goes Spezza

2011-03-21T01:19:00.000-05:00

Well the Birthday Vacation week of Dallas Stars hockey didn't exactly pan out how I had hoped. Of the three games I was able to attend, the Stars had an abysmal record of 0-2-1, while the one game that I had an opportunity to go to, but decided against it was a 5-0 drubbing against the Hawks and, eventually, Marty Turco. This also means that my bet with Matt of Down Goes Spezza on the Flyers game has resulted in me telling all of you about why you should choose the Straight Edge lifestyle. Ya, it's like making Charlton Heston give you a speech on why guns are evil, but here I sit having to come up with a minimum of 500 words to inspire y'all to give up smoking and drugs and alcohol *cringe.* Hell, I even learned today that really hardcore followers (read: their screen names have a LOT of xXx's in them) give up sex and go to a vegetarian diet. Well here's the thing, I can't put those words in type. I can't. I'm sorry. But I suppose if I spoke them, then that wouldn't really be breaking the rules, now would it...

Cue the "Damn it Jason!" from Matt.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and non-alcoholic beverage recipes, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?

We've Got Podcasts, We've Got Podcasts, We've Got Lots and Lots of Podcasts. Podcastssssssssss...

2011-03-16T23:41:00.001-05:00

For those still paying attention to me and my few and far between ramblings and humor pieces, you may or may not have noticed I've slowly been popping up in areas you'd never expect. You know, somewhat similar to that rash that has been spreading across your body ever since you paid that Tiajuana hooker for a night you'd never forget, well at least you got a lovely take home prize. As you recall, aside from a guest Man Crush of The Week contribution I've appeared on the now defunct Patrick Kane's Loose Change podcast. Then there was my high point in appearing on the only podcast to befriend people who obviously have no taste and dislike half off corndog promotions, Up The Pucks. Then last night Down Goes Spezza made the egregious mistake of allowing me to join him to discuss the upcoming Stars/Flyers game on Saturday, the insane landscape of the Western Conference, and my somehow defending of the NJ Devils in terms of them making the playoffs. Hint: It stems from the fact that Flyers fans hate them and I'd consumed 3 martinis prior to the conversation. Link to this podcast to be included once DGS stops bawling his eyes out over the latest Chris Pronger injury and gets around to clicking "upload." It's difficult people, I know.

Now then, since I feel bad that I've merely sat here and whored myself out to y'all, I feel I owe you at least a shred of humor. Thus, I am going to attach a previously unreleased complaint e-mail that I wrote to the broadcasters of Up The Pucks due to the relatively tame and rather boring nature of my appearance on their show...oh ya, and the fact that I almost died thanks to a horrible idea of a drinking game that occurred simultaneously while the podcast was being recorded:

Dear Gentlemen of Up The Pucks,

You may recall that recently (read: last week) I was the special guest co-host on your esteemed and highly regarded podcast. First of all, I would like to thank you for such a generous offer. It was an absolute pleasure chatting with you both and one day I hope I am able to be a guest again. However, I wish to briefly address a serious issue that has become evident in listening to the episode. That is namely, that Johnnie Walker did not respond to my request to furnish me with a nice shiny royalty check. While I'm sure it's probably one giant misunderstanding in which their payroll department is lagging by a couple days, the consequences of them forcing their delicious blended scotchy goodness down my throat led to many unfortunately consequences of which I would like to share with you right now:

1) Memory Loss - It obviously led me to forget how terrible Andrew Raycroft and the Dallas defense were since a good 5 minutes of the show was not devoted to jokes solely made about them.
2) Altered Mood - In addition to my lack of previously mentioned jokes, their libation changed me from the fun loving, jovial, NHLOL creating person that you and your listeners know and love into a serious and apparently touching Jere Lehtinen tribute speaker.
3) Lack of Proper Voice Function - As it was pointed out to me, multiple people thought I was unable to spell my own twitter name. Namely spelling the "Jason" portion as J-s-o-n. Upon further review from myself and the Toronto War Room, not only was the Brett Hull goal 100% good, but also the "A" got lost in my quick speaking.
4) Midget Strippers - No, I did get down with midget strippers, but that is exactly the problem. If I am drinking such a classy concoction as Johnnie Walker scotch, I expect midget strippers to find ME...even if I am sitting at home recording a podcast.
5) Lack of Product Diversity/Customer Knowledge - I'm sorry, but these distillers should realize that stupid promises will be made such as drinking anytime Matt from Down Goes Spezza mentions Chris Pronger and his marshmallowy gentle elbows to the head. Due to such actions, they should also create a much lower proof spirit in order to not cause permanent liver damage as well as loss of important brain cells such as those needed to recall that the New York Islanders are actually an NHL, and not an AHL, level team.

In closing, I would like to point out that these five egregious results will make me remove them as my sponsor, and I will instead move along to a brand that truly understands my expectations moving forward (read: getting paid). Thank you again gentlemen and best of luck with your show this evening.

Sincerely,
Jason with an "A"

So ya, with that I leave you wishes for a fantastic ~~St. Patrick's Day~~ Official Jason Emerged From The Womb Day. May all your crappy domestic beer be green and your drunken hook-ups be STD free.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and spare livers (I'll need them after today), or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?

NHLOL Special All-Star Game Edition

2011-01-31T00:36:00.000-06:00

It seems that Team Lou-Rad did in fact beat out Team Sentiment in today's contest of no defense and lazy passes. Though it was much closer than my predicted score of 46-0, it was still an excellent victory in my opinion despite being tainted at the end by a horrific MVP selection. Mental note to the NHL: Next time you have fans elect players to the All-Star game and they only select them from 2 teams, don't let those same fans vote for the MVP. I'm actually stunned Crosby didn't somehow win in a landslide write-in vote. Anyway, I have deprived all of you long enough, I'm coming back at you with a special NHL All-Star Edition of NHLOL. Sit back, relax, enjoy, giggle, throw $100 bills at me, etc.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and $100 bills (I was serious yo), or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?

An Apology to Kari Lehtonen

2011-01-20T20:26:00.000-06:00

And I'm back. I think it's safe to peak out from behind the bullet proof glass and steel reinforced doors. Do y'all realize I haven't posted anything since 2010? That's last year everyone! *cue groans since everyone thought that joke wouldn't be used past the first week of 2011* Seriously though, it's been a rough one lately. After my last post, an open letter to Kari Lehtonen, I had to be admitted into the witness protection program. Turns out the new slogan for Discard What you Don't Need should be "Pissing off Finnish people since December 12th, 2010." Never before have I spurned so much hate and anguish from an obviously sarcastic and tongue-in-cheek piece of humor in my life. For those unaware of what I speak of, I advise you to check the comments section of the linked post. I also suggest bringing an accompanying hammer with you so as to smash your toes one by one in an effort to lessen the pain, via distraction, of reading such horrible rebuttals to my comments. So with that, I'd actually like to apologize to Mr. Lehtonen as requested by Mr. Anonymous if I may:

Dear Kari,

I'm extremely sorry for everything I wrote that may have damaged your psyche in my previous blog post. I now realize why it is that you continuously take games off in the NHL. I know I know, you claim they are injuries, and I would too knowing what I now know. You come from a place full of stalking psychotic insane people. I mean who else would search Twitter for your name specifically, and then continuously demand apologies to you? Not only that, but get offended that I apparently didn't even insult you harshly enough. Don't worry, next time I decide to go after you, I'll be sure to consult some of the best and most experienced assholes on the face of the planet. But good golly Miss Molly, if I got that kind of backlash from a simple letter, I can only imagine what kind of phone calls, voicemails, texts, e-mails, and etchings burnt into your lawn you receive on a daily basis. Not to mention that apparently I insulted your native language and how difficult it is. My bad? I mean I did take 6 years of Japanese where they have three different alphabets. Fucking three! That's a plethora of alphabets, a hat trick even. Sorry that I dare insult the fact that you learned English as a second language. Did I mention I know Mandarin, Spanish, Hebrew, and some Italian too? Oh that's beside the point. We aren't talking about me, but rather you and your extremely difficult task of learning a second language. Phew. Glad you did otherwise I wouldn't get such gems as "I can't handle 10 games in two weeks, or whatever it would be.” Sorry to make you try some mental math there chief, that's always a doozy for any pro athlete.

Oh, and FYI, I don't expect a response. I know you're a little tied up avoiding your own countrymen. Don't worry though, I'll have more NHLOL for you back on it's regular schedule. I know what motivates you.

Lovingly,
Kinda,
Sorta,
Maybe,

Jason

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and fun creative names other than Anonymous, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?

An Open Letter - Kari Lehtonen

2010-12-12T15:50:00.000-06:00

Dear Kari,

First off, by Kari, I mean you Mr. Lehtonen. As much as I'd love to be writing a letter to Kari Byron, I don't think the restraining order allows for such things. Now that we've established that you have to pay attention, let's get down to business shall we? I'm going to be direct and decisive here and hope that your grasp on the English language allows you to follow along: STOP GETTING FUCKING HURT! You see, I applaud you for not shredding your groin into 12 strands of spaghetti each week liek you did in Atlanta, so I suppose that is a great improvement. Sadly, the fact remains that you keep tweaking portions of your back and these tweaks have me greatly concerned. As much as I love watching Andrew Raycroft flop to the ice merely minutes before the puck is actually shot at him in order to make a valiant attempt at a save, I'd much rather have someone in net that has more poise and promise than a Vesa Toskala-in-training. True, Mr. Raycroft has received more goaltending hardware than you, but that was also back in the days when players had to get off season jobs to pay the bills and every ~~retard~~ athlete received some sort of trophy for participation so that they did not feel left out.

Yes Andrew, you actually let in that many.

I know you didn't think it was a huge deal when you decided a little extra rest might do your body good (Trademark - US cow milkers). I mean at the time Raycroft was one of the hottest backups in the NHL. He shutout the Sabres, he beat the best team in the NHL, and he had another win or honorary mention at making super easy glove saves look like ESPN Top 10 worthy material or something like that thrown in there. Unfortunately, that's when Raycroft suddenly snapped back to reality, much like many wrist shots were snapped by his prone body into the back of the net. I think we both now realize that the current fan/goaltender relationship just isn't going to work. So I need you to say your prayers and take your vitamins so you can be 100% and soon.

In conclusion, get better so that one day I might go on a well respected podcast and man crush all over you, like I did to the guy whose name is spelled eerily similar to yours, the day that you retire.

Sincerely,
Jason

P.S. Seriously, go visit the podcast link. I said like two nice things about you.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and future letter recipients, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?

NHLOL 11/27-12/4

2010-12-05T03:18:00.000-06:00

Well I guess it's that time again where I slack off and don't post until late night. On a positive note, I got to attend the Stars/Capitals game on Thursday. Great game. I won't bore you with details, but Ovechkin managed to embarrass himself and then was the key contributor in the disallowed goal in the waning seconds of regular. Good job sir. Sadly, your horrible play is only making the force grow stronger in Sidney Crosby this year. You should probably do something about that, you know, like score some goals or something. Maybe that Stamkos guy will be reunited with St Louis and he'll be able to score goals again. Oh, and since it is a Stars blog and I've been very bad about general blogs lately, have no fear, Matt Niskanen is still the kind of horrific turnovers that lead to breakaways and/or goals. Keep up the good work Matty. Oh ya, and then, there's an impressionable young Brad Richards:

Cause who wouldn't want to be like Alexandre Daigle?

And on that note, here we go with some more chuckles for the week:

AP and other images via Yahoo! and ESPN/Getty Images.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and other Brad Richards sentimental pictures or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?

Shame on...

2010-11-28T00:32:00.001-06:00

So it seems lately I've been so focused on the good ole NHLOL posts, that I haven't given y'all a dose of what you used to come for: ~~hardcore pornography~~ humorous writing. To be honest, it's much easier to do a little work each night, than sit down and try to crank out a blog, particularly with how chaotic life has been. Thankfully for you, inspiration struck me at work, so here we go with another sentence starting scenario (sorry, I just wanted some alliteration for a second).

Shame on __________:

...Antti Niemi for tricking people into thinking he might actually be a decent goaltender after one night against the Blackhawks.
...Tim Thomas for hoping to pull a Halak in the playoffs, only to never get the opportunity, so he decided to play like a man possessed in the regular season instead.
...anyone who tried to say that Kari Lehtonen would snap something in his groin similar to the Thanksgiving day wishbone.
...the sports media for wanting to award the New Jersey Devils a Stanley Cup opportunity. You are awarded no points, and may you be punished to only watch their hockey games for the rest of the season.
...those same sports media people for thinking that the New York Islanders might finally be good after accumulating approximately 28 1st round picks over the past five years.
...Charles Wang for firing a head coach who did better than anyone expected them too despite losing their top defenseman and second best forward before the season ever started. (Ed note: He should have fired whoever was in charge of the practice that they both got injured in. That guy is an idiot.)
...anyone who reads Down Goes Brown and didn't realize that "he knows what he did" would become reality just a few days later.
...anyone that doubted my theory on Bettman ordering teams to score 8 goals a game in order to prolong ESPN highlights. ESPN spent almost 2 minutes with counters on the Tampa Bay/Philadelphia Flyers game.
...Rick DiPietro for sucking like no tomorrow the one time he actually is able to remain healthy for a period of longer than seven seconds.
...the 625 fantasy owners that gave up on Brian Elliott, unlike myself who kept him on my team and appreciated his kind return of a shutout today.

...(on a similar topic) Pierre Gauthier for being a spineless conniving prick who refuses to acknowledge what the rest of the hockey world knows: that Andrei Markov is out for a long time. Just admit it and put him on IR already. I'd kinda like to add a defenseman you jackasses.
...the St. Louis Blues, one of the best defensive teams in the league, for allowing the Stars horrific road power play to score for the first time since October 9th, 2010 - a span of 50 days.
...Sean Avery, not for having a rule named after him, but as should be expected involving anything associated with him, using it incorrectly, thus costing the Flyers a victory.
...talented Montreal Canadiens bloggers for blaming their lack of posts on "internet issues," instead of doing what the cool kids do such as blaming it on hectic work schedules and life.
...Toronto Maple Leafs fans for assuming them acquiring Brad Richards is a mere formality. Dallas is currently 3rd in the Western Conference (I'll give you a moment to recover from the shock of reading that, but it's true) and last time I checked, your lack of 1st round draft picks means that there's only one viable trading option that we'd go for.
...The Boston Bruins for not acquiring Gregory Campbell sooner. No way Colin would have allowed them to choke away a 3-game, 3-goal lead last season.
...me for phoning in this blog post like Mike Modano did the last few years in Dallas, instead of posting the weekly NHLOL pics since it is Saturday. In respect of that, I leave you with one:

AP and other images via Yahoo! and ESPN/Getty Images.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and what else I should be ashamed for, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?

What Are You Thankful For?

2010-11-25T01:30:00.001-06:00

Well, it's time for everyone in America to once again tell themselves they are only going to nosh a little bit, and instead end up in a turkey squared coma (actual turkey and Wild Turkey). As many of you know, a yearly tradition is to mention what one is thankful for in their lives before the big feast begins. I'm here to give you some of the things I'm thankful for this year. As a serious heads up, we're gonna mix it up more than Dan Bylsma does wingers for Sidney Crosby. By that, I mean not everything will be about hockey. I wouldn't worry though. I think y'all will be fine.

The Official holiday of Kyle Wellwood - Appetizer spread only pictured.

I Am Thankful...

- ...that I get to watch a sports league run by a competent commissioner that is devoted to marketing the sport to millions of fans. A commish that has a top-notch staff of loyal, devoted, and most importantly, honest and unbiased individuals working for him in order to protect the league's highest integrity in all matters.
- ...that one day Gary Bettman might learn something from the aforementioned league.
- ...that despite most food packages having pictures on the label of what they contain, Gerber does not in fact have ground up babies inside.
- ...that I have an irrational fear of taxi cabs, and thus will likely never get into as much trouble as an NHL player.
- ...that it's time for everyone to make delicious delicious pecan pie (my absolute favorite).
- ...that Martin Brodeur's pie eating elbow is currently injured, thus I know my pie is 100% safe.
- ...that I don't own a purse, because if I did some moron might try to sell me a Kangaroo Keeper.
- ...that I know one day Tom Hicks will sell the Dallas Stars. (Turn in Hanukah time when I wish for the sale of the team for all 8 nights)
- ...that at least 41 games in the NHL season are played at home, otherwise the Stars may never score another power play goal again.
- ...that I should never have to drink $10 a bottle scotch ever again...EVER.
- ...that I've met some really cool people on twitter who were able to enrich my life. That poutine bot just LOVES me to pieces.
- ...that Paul Bissonette has yet to severely injure his hands in a fight. That would certainly make for rather difficult tweeting.
- ...that one day I will once again get head in a place other than a beer glass.
- ...that I do not have to deal with womanly issues such as cramps, mood swings, hot flashes, and receiving pictures of Brett Favre's ding-a-ling.
- ...that someone, somewhere in Dallas will do something so incredibly stupid during a sporting event, that it will make the news. Every now and then, it's a defensive player too.
- ...that pro wrestling is fake, because if anyone like The Miz ever became a UFC champion, I'd have to stop watching the sport.
- ...that it was once again proven that money can buy you players, but that doesn't necessarily translate into wins. Lou Lamoriello might want to call Glen Sather to find out how this story ends. (SPOILER ALERT: It ends with an extremely overpaid enforcer and a lack of anything that resembles a hockey team).
- ...that we're on the topic of fantasy hockey teams, because I'm doing rather well in my Yahoo leagues including two that I am essentially running away with. Moral of the story? Always draft with a group of Dallas Stars fans. Sadly, I have realized they know absolutely nothing about hockey.
- ...that I can marinate my seafood in a combination of extra virgin olive oil, fresh herbs, garlic, and lemon instead of not-so-tasty BP oil.
- ...that the Sedins play far far away from here. The last time we even had one half of a Swedish set of twins in this state, I almost lost a girlfriend due to an obsession.
- ...that the Chicago Blackhawks defensemen have welcomed Turco so much to their team, that they too have stopped playing defense in order to make him feel at home.
- ...knowing that even if my team fails to make the playoffs, they probably will still rank 5th overall in the Eastern Conference.
- ...that Snooki has not had a sex tape released nationwide.
- ...that I started this blog assuming it would be a train wreck of epic proportions, and yet people still find me amusing enough to get to the final line of the post. Happy Thanksgiving to everyone in the US, happy Thursday to everyone elsewhere, and a heart felt thank you for taking time out of your schedules to read what I have to write.

Now get the hell off my lawn before I spray you with the hose.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and your favorite Thanksgiving side dish, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?

NHLOL 11/12 - 11/22

2010-11-24T02:15:00.001-06:00

So I've promised a post twice. I ended up mingling with the real world both nights. Sue me...unless you're really a lawyer, then I'm just joshing, I don't really want to deal with a law suit. Anyway, lots of ups and downs this week. Most of which have been downs, such as the Dallas Stars loss to Toronto which led me to do things I never wish upon my own worst enemy. Anywho, you didn't come here to laugh at me...*eyebrow raise*...you can here to laugh with me. So on with the funnies...I think.

AP and other images via Yahoo! and ESPN/Getty Images.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and Songs you'd like me to reference, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?

Toto, We're Not In Dallas Anymore

2010-11-14T17:52:00.001-06:00

How bout them ~~Cowboys~~ Stars? Well, to be perfectly honest, they are who we thought they were. They currently sit in a tie for 12th place with the Minnesota Wild with 16 points in 15 games. The last time the Stars received a point? Oh ya, that's back when Kovalchoke wasn't scoring at all and giving us a good laugh on a nightly basis: November 5th in Dallas in the drubbing of the Coyotes. That was also one night after the amazingly well played 5-2 win over the Penguins, also at home. Then things went bad. The Stars left the comfort and familiarity of the American Airlines Center (I'm sure the 200 fans that showed up each night were crushed), and went to add to their absolutely atrocious 4% road power play. That isn't a typo. I didn't leave off a "1" at the beginning. It's 1 for 25. That means it's been over a month since the Stars found the back of the net in an advantage situation. Only the Devils sport a worse road power play than the Stars. My question is, when you're on the man advantage, or even two-man advantage as there were a few times, doesn't shooting a puck at the net accidentally go in more than 4% of the time?

Sadly, I'm not even as upset about that as I should be. Oh no. We went from the most explosive offense in the NHL to scoring 3 goals in three away games. That isn't really going to get the job done unless you're playing supreme defense, which, oh ya, finally proved they are as bad as I thought. Trust me, if I had the ability to replace Nik Grossman during the Getzlaf goal with a ballerina doing a pirouette I'd be all over it. God forbid the Stars play the Wings anytime soon because Tomas Holmstrom will be allowed to drop anchor in front of Lehtonen for as long as it takes Khabibulin to drop his GAA under 3.5...which means he'll be there a while. Seriously, where is Derian Hatcher to physically pick someone up and relocate them when you need it? Or better yet, where is Ed Belfour to gently encourage you to move in a way only he can? Plain and simple, if Lehtonen sees you coming, you aren't scoring, but if the core of 6 turnstiles on the ice each night want to let everyone do what they want in front of the net, then it's going to be a long season.

Oh, and I'm sure y'all want comments regarding the ~~blatant LA Kings diving~~ penalty filled game against the Kings and all, but instead of attempting that and ending up with bloody damaged sheet rock in my house, I'm going to give y'all some bonus NHLOL from the previous week that didn't make it in because I'm stupid and saved them in the wrong spot. Enjoy.

AP and other images via Yahoo! and ESPN/Getty Images.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and Dustin Brown diving excuses/rebutals, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?

NHLOL 11/5-11/11

2010-11-11T19:02:00.001-06:00

Well despite work taking up a ton of my time and drastically cutting down on posts, I have been keeping up with photos, so it's another edition of NHLOL, this time complete with a college hockey joke! I know it's before Caturday, but let's face it, the only pussy that's gonna show up in one of these images is Sidney Crosby. So before the Stars get destroyed by the #1 team in the Western Conference tonight, let's have some laughs:

Sorry, as a DU grad it had to be said.

AP and other images via Yahoo! and ESPN/Getty Images.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and crisp brand new $100 bills, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?

NHLOL

2010-11-06T03:29:00.001-05:00

It's Caturday, and what better way to spend it than posting pictures of adorable, lovable kitten videos? Ok, so maybe that wasn't exactly lovable. Well in that case it's time for the first ever DWYDN NHLOL (holy crap that's more caps than you'll find past the first round of the NHL playoffs). It's a little feature I'd like to adapt from Kissing Suzy Kolber's LOLNFL. It's basically a take on the famous LOLCats, but at Discard What You Don't Need, our motto is more hockey, less pussy (Mental Note: Find a better motto that does not have alternative, yet unfortunately true meanings)

That's a wrap kids. I hope you only sing Cutting Crew a maximum of three times after seeing these, but if it's more, it's ok. It could have been a Corey Hart song.

AP and other images via Yahoo! and Hockey-Shots.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and Caturday fun, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?

DWYDN Goes Podcast

2010-11-05T03:01:00.000-05:00

Well folks, the fabulous writers over at Patrick Kane's Loose Change invited me to their first ever Podcast last Friday night, and tonight you get to listen to 15 minutes of the epic hour and a half conversation. Why 15 minutes? Because apparently the only times I'm amusing is when I'm not talking about hockey, and God forbid you all have access to that. Regardless, you should still take a listen. I'll wait. Hell, I'll listen too.

Oh wow. I sound boring as all hell (Note to self: send death threats to the audio editor). Next time I promise not to get put on the hot seat and have question after question be asked to me. I felt like someone was going to ask me if I was an expert. Thankfully, I did watch the tape, so we're all good.

Moving on, I apologize for the lack of posts, particularly with those really long named weekly awards. I'm thinking those might go on hiatus until we can get some better (read: shorter and catchier) names. Names like "The Brad," though halfway through the season that might have to change to "The 1st round draft pick, highly touted prospect, and maybe a roster player if we're lucky." The good news, is that this weekend will mark the first of the feature I really wanted to do instead: NHLOL. That's right Boys and Girls, it's like LOLCats except we have hockey players instead of cats. Sounds thrilling, because it is.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and captionable photos, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?

Dallas Stars Drinking Game

2010-10-29T04:31:00.000-05:00

Well Boys and Girls, it's time again for another wonderful post. This afternoon I came across one of my good friend's Down Goes Spezza's blog regarding the Flyer's Drinking Game. This stemmed from a similar blog post from Peter Evans regarding his own NHL Drinking Game. Personally, I thought this was a great game if your friends aren't complete hockey morons like mine are. In other words, I'd like to have a drink before I die of thirst in that game. So what goes into a Dallas Stars drinking game? Glad you asked!

- I would offer up a sip of beer every time Kari Lehtonen makes a save, but the goal is to enjoy the game, not try to have a power hour during the first period.

- Every time a Dallas defenseman makes a boneheaded play, drink. I highly recommend driving to Oklahoma to purchase 3.2% beer prior to this, otherwise you will be drunk before warm ups are over.

- On the same token, when Trevor Daley eventually tries to over-play on offense and screws up, find a bottle of your favorite Russian vodka (if I had to choose I'd say Stoli or Imperia) and drink until he starts to resemble Sergei Zubov. (Ed note: This will likely result in liver failure, so please proceed at your own risk)

- Before the game begins, everyone picks five obscure phrases. If any of these quotes are used by Darryl Reaugh during the broadcast, everyone else finishes their drink. Hell, if any of them are used, you win at life.

- If you are watching during the upcoming Dallas/Buffalo game this Saturday, anytime a Sabres players shoots right of the net, have them take a shot of something strong, then make them watch this.

- During the same game, anytime you recognize a player on the Sabres other than Ryan Miller, take a drink. This applies to Sabres fans as well cause honestly I don't even think they know.

- ~~When~~ If the Stars pull of a successful penalty kill (12 PPG against in 36 times short handed), have a drink because a miracle has obviously occurred, and you deserve to celebrate.

- When a legal hit is made, take a drink if Bob McKenzie, Darren Dreger, Pierre LeBrun, or other well respected sports figures start writing about the possibility that it could be a suspension. If drinking liquor, you should probably grab a 1.75L for this one.

- If Marc Crawford accidentally remembers he has four lines and lets them all get playing time, drink until you forget that line exists.

- If Fabian Brunnstrom is actually playing in the game you are watching take three drinks in honor of the number of goals he scored in his first NHL game, which is ironically the same number of goals in his entire NHL career.

- If the attendance on your couch is larger than the attendance at a Stars home game, take a drink. Not exactly for you, but in honor of whatever dollar Tom Hicks thought he had left in this world.

It should be noted that myself and Discard What You Don't Need does not endorse any use of this game in actuality. It would obviously pose a health risk to anyone of legal drinking age. Please do not participate in this game if you are, or think you may be, pregnant. Basically that means if you're 20 or younger have at it kiddies.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and beer, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?

Awards For the Week Ending 10/24/10

2010-10-26T01:40:00.000-05:00

Ladies and gentlemen (and knowing my readers, I use these terms EXTREMELY loosely..."sluts and assholes" just seems a too bit harsh), I am once again back in Dallas which means not only do I once again have an internet connection, but I also get the opportunity to witness a home team get outplayed horrifically, yet still win games (obviously I'm not talking about the 1-5 Dallas Cowboys). A few quick points:

- Congrats to the Texas Rangers for making their first World Series appearance. Your bandwagon fan base following will ensure that the lowest regular season home game crowd ever, approximately 7,000 in attendance versus the Blues, will actually be high compared to the attendance at the Stars game this coming Saturday versus Buffalo.
- The Stars actually only have 1 more point than they did 7 games into the season last year (3-1-3 in 2009/10). Funny how those OT wins make you feel more confident about your team.
- Which leads me to my next point: to the few that think the Dallas defense is actually better this year than last *cough latest Down Goes Spezza Post cough* I beg, no, I implore you to reconsider. The shots allowed are terrible, the PK is beyond horrific, and if there was really any less caring in terms of playing defense, they'd all be named Ilya Kovalchuk.

Now then, our week has come to an end, and it's time for the naming of the first ever "Brad Richards Wanna Be" and "Patrik Stefan 'I didn't do that'" awards. So without further ado:

Brad Richards Wanna Be
While both Tim Thomas (2-0-0 in 2 starts w/ a 1.00 GAA and 97.3 save percentage) and Kipper (2-1-0 in 3 starts w/ 2 shutouts, a 1.32 GAA and 95.6 save percentage) performed more than adequately to receive top honors and the inaugural receipt of the award, I sadly have to go with the stat line that literally blows my mind. Henrik Zetterberg (3 goals, 3 assists, +5, in 2 games) was simply on fire this week. Sure it's only two games and a sample size like that isn't exactly a lot, but consider this: only 2 players this week scored more points (Bourque and Stamkos) and it took them twice as many games played to do so. Trust me, Stamkos really makes me want to pick him (4 goals, 5 assists), but I just can't for some reason. This is coming from the guy that drafted him every year except this year (only had one opportunity and sadly I went with Parise as I felt LW was very shallow this year). So alas, the Brad Richards Wanna Be award is tainted forever by being awarded to a Red Wing...you know what? On second thought, fuck that. I'm not tainting this shit in week one. Good job Stamkos, you kicked some major ass.

Red Wings suck.

It's ok Mr. Stamkos, we know what you really look like and how to properly spell your name.

Patrik Stefan 'I didn't do that'
Since I apparently deprived a Red Wing player an award, and this is a Stars related blog, why not remedy both situations immediately. With a -4, 0 points, and 2 PIMs (ie: not very sportsman-like), Mike Modano come on down!

You just love the bitches, don't you Mike?

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and new award name suggestions, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?

Strange Happenings and How We Got to 2-0

2010-10-14T16:23:00.000-05:00

Well damn. As I sit down across from a Popeyes in an airport gate waiting area at 6am, I can’t help but think of how my friends and I named the 2009-2010 the “Season of Weird.” Crazy things were happening left and right, and honestly I’m still shocked the Coyotes didn’t somehow win the Stanley Cup, denounce the rest of the NHL, and defect to the KHL taking our ~~title belt and throwing it in the trash on Monday Night TV~~ prized Cup with them.

Then there is the 2010-2011 season. Hell, you don’t have to look very far to realize something is amiss. And yes, I’m talking to you 3-0-0 Toronto Maple Leafs. Really? Did y’all eat your Wheaties all summer long or something? If that isn’t crazy enough for you let’s also consider some other perfect records like the 2-0-0 Edmonton Oilers and Carolina Hurricanes. Whomever had both of those teams starting off with that record please raise your hand. Now quickly, everyone who is honest, take note of the liars amongst you and beat them to a bloody pulp. If it’s one thing in hockey we can’t tolerate, it’s liars (divers yes, liars…not so much). Still not convinced? Well why the hell not? Fine, Philadelphia suddenly has decent goaltending, Colton Orr got rocked in a fight, Mike Modano is on the team whose name we shall not speak, and for some crazy reason I’m destroying everyone I know in fantasy hockey. The prosecution rests.

However, in mentioning the absence of Modano on the Stars, I should also note they are one of the teams that are surprising many, yours included, with a 2-0-0 record. Not only that, but they have overtime and shootout wins. This is the same team that may as well have packed it in and given the other team 2 points once regulation ended tied last season, right? Let’s take a look at some reasons on how the Stars have managed to become undefeated, and how they might be able to string together 3 wins in a row for the first time since the 2008-2009 season when they face Detroit tonight:

Devils

- Turco usually spotted teams three goals to start a game, so Lehtonen’s two goal spot was really a piece of cake to overcome.

- After two quick first assists by the $100 million dollar man, Crawford had an assistant text Paul Bissonette to figure out what to say that could piss the Russian off.

- Was able to distract Brodeur by having players spray themselves with bacon grease similar to the Taco Bell commercial and then crash the net.

- Promised head coach John MacLean that they would let him start and finish the game with 20 skaters if he let the Stars win. He countered that the Devils should at least get an OT point. Done deal.

Islanders

- Gave up 4 PPG’s in 2 games to lull the teams into a false sense of security considering the penalty kill was supposed to be a strength this year.

- Realized that despite how fragile Kari Lehtonen is, Andrew Raycroft isn’t getting anywhere near a start unless someone’s life hangs in the balance…and even in that case, I pray for that person.

- Only went to the shootout because Ribeiro wanted to prove to everyone that he could score without pulling off some insane move that no player in his right mind would ever try. (Note: Does not apply to Robbie Schremp)

- By the same token, also wanted to give James Neal the chance to bang his first shootout opportunity of the year off a goal post. Sadly, he missed the memo.

- Found out allowing only 23 shots on goal really helps to limit scoring chances. Hopefully Crawford informed them later that while this is true, they should try not to allow them all in one period.

- While on the surface Stephane Robidas’ two delay of game penalties on back-to-back shifts for shooting the puck out of play seems like poor play, in reality it was the Dallas defense counterbalancing the rest of their play all game, thus ensuring we’d only remember the awfulness that we’ve grown to expect and love.

Red Wings

- Plan on sticking a “Wide Load” bumper sticker on the posterior of Tomas Holmstrom in hopes that someone, ANYONE, will notice when he’s screening Kari Lehtonen.

- Jeff K has orchestrated it so that whenever Modano is about to take a faceoff, a heartfelt Modano moment will suddenly play in the American Airlines Center, thus ensuring his eyes are blinded by millions of tears.

- To combat the morale effects of the inevitable octopus thrown on the ice due to the overwhelming number of Detroit fans that attend Dallas games, the Stars Fanatics are planning on hurling live cattle.

- Had “Please present your AARP card before entering” signs posted at each blue line.

- If Mike Ribeiro can assault a police officer, then Pavel Datsyuk will be a piece of cake.

You may not agree, but that’s what I observed. Then again, maybe I’m just delirious from the smell of the chicken.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and deep dish pizzas, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?

The Stars Are Undefeated. LOL Wut?

2010-10-10T02:11:00.003-05:00

"Oh you didn't know? Well your ass better call somebody!"

Yes folks. In case you weren't aware the Dallas Stars are 2-0. Yes! Those Dallas Stars. To make matters even more interesting picture this: Who was the worst OT/SO team in the NHL last year? Dallas. Who is 1-0 in OT and 1-0 in a shootout thus far? Dallas. Who is the only NHL team not to win 3 games in a row last season? Dallas. Sure Toronto was the last team to accomplish the feat, but do you know how bad it feels to be behind Toronto in something (hint: pretty f-in bad)? Who is the team that only won 3 of 12 back-to-back games last year? Dallas. It's like we actually turned shit around, eh folks? Not so fast...

Let's be honest, this has nothing to do with an improvement in the Dallas defense this year (3 goals vs the insane 1st line of the New Jersey Devils is tolerable, but 4 goals to a make-shift New York Islanders team? Really?). It has nothing to do with Marty Turco leaving Dallas (oh, we'll get there tonight folks, we'll get there). It really has to do with the fact that the Stars are once again outscoring opponents. Yep. We're still gonna suck, but let me relish in the glory knowing that we are better than 26 other teams. Let me repeat that, because unless we time travel back to 98, 99, or 2000 I can't make this claim: WE ARE BETTER THAN 26 OTHER TEAMS. Don't freak out too soon though. The Leafs are after all tied with us, and we all know that's a mistake. Commence the realistic meltdown now. Stick around for a new weekly feature at the end of the post, as for now, onto tonight's facts:

- Speaking of the Stars, is anyone else, aside from Tom, as disappointed as I am that when it got down to Ribeiro at the end of the shootout, that he wasn't given the green light to let loose some horrifically cheeky move? We lost a ton of shootouts last year, and this man just needs a green light to be an effective shootout winning dick.

- I know everyone saw the Kovy/Green fight that was almost as bad as Semin's "playing the bongos" fight last year. The biggest thing I noticed during the commotion was Caps players willing to step in, and Devils players realizing "um, if one of us gets hurt, we don't have anyone we can call up." Truly a smooth move Lou.

- How many people expect Derek Stephan to dominate the waiver wire on fantasy leagues tonight. Let me just remind everyone before placing their claim that Aaron Voros and Brandon Dubinsky once dominated for the Rangers at the beginning of a season. Best to claim him and then sell high. That's what I did once with leading goalscorer Steve Reinprecht after 7 games.

- Did the Islanders take lessons from Sidney Crosby over the summer? The only time I've seen more flopping around like something dying is the last time I went fishing.

- Slightly late, but you know it's gonna be a fun year in Edmonton when your TEAMMATES are bitching about a goal you scored in your first game. Good job Jordan Eberle, though the biggest ego in the entire video has to go to Taylor Hall for expecting everyone to just swoon over him. (P.S. I don't care that it's a tongue-in-cheek spoof. I expect Taylor Hall to be that much of a douchebag)

- Perhaps the greatest thing I saw all night was the Kings trainer picking up Kopitar's teeth, shaking them in his hand like they were dice, then skating back to the bench like nothing ever happened. I hope he rolled snake eyes once he got back to the bench. No one should be that happy about picking up someone's teeth.

- Did anyone else hear Drew MacIntyre was called up from the AHL for the Thrashers? I hope Vince McMahon didn't have a part in this.

Yep, this guy isn't going to faint in net, he's going to DDT your head in.

- Matt Carkner needs to...you know what, I drafted Matt Carker, so win or lose, as long as the idiot can still stagger into a fight after taking a Colton Orr pounding, I'm actually ok with it. Good job Matt, keep up the good work!

- Marty Turco. I told you it was coming. You knew it was going to be mentioned at some point. I just need to point something out here. Way back in early August I mentioned something:

Apparently I mentioned it a bit too soon. For those wondering about the wonderful and amazing Marty Turco and how AWESOME he was going to be behind a defense that could actually play, let's examine some numbers real fast. With the Dallas Stars in 09-10 he had a .913 save percentage that was deemed horrific, he current has stopped 62/69 shots for a .898...hell, let's round up for the man, a .899 save percentage for the Hawks. Betcha wish you had a defenseman that would block a puck with his face now, wouldn't you Marty?

- How does one give up 4 goals to the current roster New York Islanders? That's like having enough confidence to spot the special education kids an h, o, r, and s in a game of HORSE. Then again, we are talking about the same team that signed Andrew Raycroft as an insurance back-up goaltender, and then they don't even play him on a back-to-back game when the starting goaltender has a major injury history. All we need is some high level exec to die and they automatically receive the Darwin Award.

- NEW FEATURE TIME! We should be rolling out with a couple of these lately, especially since this "2 posts in 2 days" thing is not going to keep up. There is only so much access to hockey with my insane job, and I'm likely not going to get this much exposure. That said, I wanted to pay homage to one of my favorite football humor blogs, Kissing Suzy Kolber, where they do a "Meast of the Week" in addition to a "Least of the Week." Obviously in hockey it's a little harder to judge things on a per-week basis, but I am going to do my best. I believe one of the fantasy leagues I'm in rates players on a weekly basis, so I will go off their time-line and their stats. However, just to spice things up, we're going to give names to these awards. Since it's a Stars themed blog I have to stick with it and Your "Meast of the Week" will officially become the "Brad Richards Wanna Be" award. Before you laugh, please realize Mr. Richards is officially your league leader in points. Plus the guy scored 5 assists against the current Stanley Cup Champs in his debut with the Stars, so if you disagree with the name, go *censored for the youngins* yourself. As for the "Least of the Week," well this was much harder. As you should know there has been much failure in the Stars organization. Tom Hicks comes to mind at the moment, but then I thought back to players. Shawn Chambers was a great player, but Mario Lemieux turning him into a pylon during the cup finals is a league-wide memory. I wanted something bigger though. Something 197-foot-Toskala-esque. Then it hit me. So ladies and gentleman, I present to you the official "Patrik Stefan 'I didn't do that'" award. May they both be bestowed upon some truly great players in the near future.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and bottles of vodka (I really write better when under the influence), or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?

Fun With Numbers - Stars/Devils Game One & Other NHL Stats

2010-10-09T02:57:00.001-05:00

The first thing I learned about the Stars regular season opener vs the Devils is that not only did Lou Lamoriello screw Stars fans over by not forfeiting due to being over the cap (how convenient that those two players landed on Long Term Injury Reserve, no? Someone get me a social worker and prove that there was no domestic violence or anything like that and then I'll believe the injuries), but even when I count on the Stars losing for an excellent blog post, they fail me. I was actually excited about the prospect of taking a look at where the Stars stood after a blowout loss and to be quite honest, after the 2-0 start the defense was proving to me they were every bit as useful as I expected. Kari Lehtonen was proving to me that despite appearing super human in preseason stopping 75/77 shots, and in the game I attended giving up maybe 2 rebounds all night, that he really is a subpar goaltender that the Stars put too much faith in. Hell (LOL a pun!), the Devils were even proving to me that my combination of Parise and Zajac in a majority of my fantasy leagues are going to dominate like no other. The line of Parise/Zajac/Kovalchuk seem to go together like Huey Dewey and Louie, like Crosby Stills and Nash, even like the Three Tenors (Perhaps not the best analogy on that one. None are gay, and the fat one is obviously Brodeur). Then what happens? The Stars not only fight back to earn that lovely OT point, but instead of going something ridiculous like 3-14 in OT games, they won a game in OT. WAY TO RUIN THE POST LOUI!

So instead of getting to hear things like "The Maple Leafs and the Oilers are obviously infinitely better than Dallas because they both won their games and Dallas lost," you're going to get the opposite. Quite the opposite. Here we go:

- Looking at the points, the Stars are obviously twice as good as the defending Stanley Cup champions, Chicago Blachawks, and also on par with the defending Stanley Cup champions, the Atlanta Thrashers. Sadly, they are no match for the obvious eventual Eastern Conference Champs: The Carolina Hurricanes.

- Speaking of the Hurricanes, couldn't "Mr. Shootout" Jussi Jokinen pulled out something a little better than the garbage he decided to display today? Um...you just got showed up by a rookie in Jeff Skinner chief. Better start watching Mike Ribeiro so you can learn the definition of the "cheeky" shootout goal.

Shhh, this is what a cocky douchebag looks like. Thankfully this cocky douchebag plays for us.

- Dear Mike Modano, We knew you'd be good on that Detroit team. Honestly, with the talent around you on the 3rd line, how could you not be? Was the goal on your first shot really necessary though?

- Speaking of Mike Modano, if the Stars tried any harder to push Brad Richards as the next coming of Modano, I'd almost be convinced the team got sold and Richards was going to receive a Kovalchuk-esque deal. Keep in mind I did not have any volume while watching the game, but considering all the graphics I saw of Richards and Modano being compared, I fail to see how they aren't trying to market the team around him.

- On the topic of Brad Richards, the Modano record of 93 points in a season is about to be shattered. Eriksson is going to end the season with 164 goals, and Richards will finish with 246 points. You can't tell me I'm wrong. That's the projected stats people. Wayne Gretzky eat your heart out.

- If anyone was looking for this year's 20+ shooting percentage candidate, look no further than Loui Eriksson. It's scary when you know his two goals in the game wasn't a fluke, but even worse when you realize he only took two shots on goal. #LouiEriksson4RichardCandidate

- Looking at other games around the league, a scary moment in Atlanta when Ondrej Pavelec collapsed to the ice with no one around him. Aside from looking like an Italian soccer player, I sincerely hope he makes a speedy recovery and returns to action soon. I'd hate to think that we could see Dustin Byfuglien in goal at some point...since he's obviously multi-talented and all.

- Nothing to do with hockey, but it made me laugh a lot, so I need to share. Some of you may have heard about Michael Young's "check swing" during yesterday's Rays/Rangers game. Well a local radio station duo that also cover the Dallas Stars decided to respond to the comment that "The game really turned on the check swing call." Their response? "Yes, because before that, the Rays had 0. After that, they finished with 0." I love people who tell it like it is.

- I saw some hockey bets going around lately, with one unfortunate unnamed Canadiens fan losing 3 bets in one game. Supposedly these were the first three lost bets ever in history. Ya, and Brett Hull's Stanley Cup Winning Goal was 100% legit (It was...which means I totally believe this person). That all being said, I always welcome ridiculous bets. If I don't accept, ask me again when I've had a drink or two in me. Don't think it works? I apparently signed up for a fantasy league drunk, didn't realize it until I was told about it two weeks later, then drafted tipsy, and now I'm going to destroy everyone. Remember those words people. Remember them!

- Can we honestly just give Jordan Eberle the Calder now? That goal was disgusting and Ian White should be fired. Guess we all know why he was paid $5 less than expected now.

- Last Dead Things mention, but after 1 game, I think it's safe to say that Pavel Datsyuk already forfeited the Lady Byng this year. Guess it's down to the two former teammates in St. Louis and Richards again. Good luck Brad.

- Back to Dallas. What needs to happen to ensure that Raycroft doesn't start versus the Islanders? I don't care if half their team is injured and the only reason they hit the cap floor is because they're paying a guy in Russia to score goals in an exhibition games against the Hurricanes.

This all being said, I do have an excited weekly feature that should debut sometime this coming week. At least I hope it's exciting. For all I know it could suck as bad at the Minnesota Wild.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and bottles of whiskey, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?

NHL Player Synonyms

2010-10-05T13:58:00.000-05:00

So the wonderfully talented Down Goes Spezza and I were having a conversation the other day, when a precarious quote came into play:

You think the phrase "Stop being a Dallas Stars Defensemen" could replace "stop being useless and talentless" - Down Goes Spezza

This obviously prompted a rebuttal from yours truly which defended the importance and value of the Dallas Stars defense among other things. So it was then that we both wondered what other synonymous words for the NHL might be:

Dallas Stars Defense: Traffic cones, Stick holders, Punching bags, Reconstructive facial surgery models.

Matt Cooke: Tough NHL grinder, The best place to find an imprint of Evander Kane's fist, The reason Sean Avery isn't under the microscope when it comes to NHL rule changes.

Marc Savard: Playmaker, Contract bargain, Substitute for The Thinker.

Good God, could this concussion make me want to do anything less than sit here like this?

Wade Redden: A $6.5 million paper weight, the AHL's least valuable player, God's gift to NHL defenseman humor.

Kyle Wellwood: A talented center who weighed on the mind of the Coyotes GM for a roster spot, the reason Russia will run out of borsch and blinis, the inspiration for Connecticut's new logo.

Dominik Hasek: A human slinky, the Czech Republic's biggest donor via hockey related assault and personal property charges, The person who had the best view of losing the Stanley Cup to one Brett Hull.

Nazem Kadri: Future of the Maple Leafs, Disappointment, A devout Muslim who got demoted due to picking inopportune times to pray such as on the penalty kill.

Vesa Toskala: You know, it's really too easy.

Vesa on a good night.

Alexi Yashin: Excellent Russian talent, NHL's initial poster child for bad contracts, The reason the Islanders can reach the cap floor.

Dustin Byfuglien: A great playoff NHL forward, A crappy regular season NHL defenseman, Enough letters in his name to put the "FU" in "Dysfunctional $3,000,000 player."

Philadelphia Flyers Goaltending: Laughable, Injury prone, the future home of an unretiring Ed Belfour (his on and off-ice antics should make pray for someone as tame as Ron Hextall to return).

Mike Green: A poor man's Bobby Orr, NHL hair fashion coordinator, The only person who should be nominated as the Selke winner for as long as he plays.

Ilya Kovalchuk: Inspiration to young Russian players everywhere, The reason the LA Kings can afford to give their current roster extensions, Why New Jersey experienced a jelly shortage for a month.

Glen Sather: The man who hired Trottier without any coaching experience based solely on a 93 page application for the job, The GM who almost single handedly created the salary cap era despite not actually winning games, The only reason Darryl Sutter hasn't been committed to a mental institution.

Bryce Salvador: One of the few African American NHL players in the league, Another example of how playing the Philadelphia Flyers contributes to concussions, The sole reason the Dallas Stars won't win over the Devils on opening night by forfeit.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and synonyms for myself, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?

Preason Fun With The Stars

2010-10-01T00:44:00.000-05:00

So I was owed some favors at work, and since I won't be in the state for the home opener vs The Dead Things, I opted to redeem one of said favors tonight in the form of some Stars tickets. Luckily, I know some pretty important people so my seats were fairly decent.

So tonight was the Stars/Avs. This rivalry is special to me as I lived in Colorado for 5 years and sadly got to witness the Stars get eliminated from the playoffs by the Avs more times than I wish. For the most part I was cringing during the game. Here's a few key points:

Stars Defense: As you've noticed by now, I despise the lack of talent on this group of D-men. Tonight, I was pleasantly surprised as their play. Before your jaw hits the floor, please realize that my expectations were so low that anything better than giving up 5 goals was going to be ranked an A+ in my book. While I was impressed by the amount of hitting and grinding by the D-men, when you do such things you typically aren't playing D, which was seen by the Avs peppering Mr. Lehtonen with shot after shot. My one big strike against the D was during an excellent short handed chance for the Stars. Ott came in, fired a shot on Anderson that left a huge rebound, Eriksson came in and left a layup drop pass for the defender skating in - One Mr. Nicklas Grossman. Sadly for the Stars, Mr. Grossman did his best impression of me on a Sunday afternoon and swept the puck along the ice straight into an awaiting Craig Anderson. I now realize why you have only scored 2 goals in 4 NHL season Nick.

Brad Richards: Fortunately for Stars fans, Brad decided to take the game off tonight in order to rest up for the regular season opener next Friday. Strangely, I can't figure out how the hell he was written down for ice time. Must be a typo.

Since this game doesn't count and I make a ton of money, do I even need to try?

3rd Line (Ott, Benn, and Vincour): Vincour is probably going to be bouncing between the NHL and AHL this season, so I'm not really worried about him. I am worried about the other two. What the hell is the point of this line? Is it supposed to be a third scoring line? Is it supposed to shut down opposing top lines? It isn't constructed to do either. Instead, it's almost a spare parts line that has great talent, but is just waiting for an injury to a top-6 guy so that someone can move up. Also, I'd like to congratulate Steve Ott on not killing Scott Hannan tonight. In the first period Hannan and Ott got tied up at the Dallas blue line with Ott fallen and Hannan not really letting him get up. A few head massages later, the look in Ott's eyes, and the grip and motion with his stick, almost made the Donald Brashear incident look like a mild muscle spasm. Ott kept it together and only snapped post Avalanche goal in the third period. I'll take that as a victory. As for Benn, if he wasn't 6' 2" I swear I'd assume he was 12. The guy looks younger than half of the Avs roster and that says a lot.

Beer Races: What's better than grown men dressing up as beer bottles and running around the time? When one guy gets such a big lead that he stops to taunt his competitors, and still has plenty of time to win.

Guess what Canadians? Your beer didn't win.

Kari Lehtonen: I have to admit the guy has grown on me. I was surprised to hear he's played in 6 NHL seasons since I know he's 26. It then occurred to me that this is a slightly misleading fact as his actual games played put him at just over 2.5 seasons. In watching Lehtonen play, the only goal that he let in, he never had a chance on. In fact, he probably only gave up 2 bad rebounds all game. Pretty impressive considering he seemed to be the only Stars player that cared for the first 10 minutes of the game.

This is what I look like upright BEFORE the groin injury

Adam Burish: I'd heard all the praise about him playing with Ribeiro and Morrow, but didn't really want to believe it. After watching his first few shifts, I was questioning what people were smoking. After seeing him bounce to every line except the first, I was starting to feel bad for the guy. Nearing the end of regulation tied at 1, I was wondering who would be replacing him on the second line. Then suddenly here comes Burish with some great speed along the near side boards. Ok, so at least the guy has wheels as advertised. As soon as that thought went through my head, a pass towards the front of the net and a crashing Morrow puts in the game winner. Guess we found our right handed right wing shot after all.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and season tickets, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?

NHL 2010-11 Western Conference Season Preview

2010-09-23T14:09:00.000-05:00

I know everyone has been salivating waiting for my Western Conference preview this year. This was also written while in the middle of the ocean...or the Gulf...somewhere with water, how about that? As with last time, there is no particular order. Just the way I wrote all the teams down as I remembered them.

Dallas Stars -

The Good: Thankfully, the season is only 82 games long. I probably couldn't handle much more than that.

The Bad: The Dallas Defense is to defending what a championship is to Buffalo; nonexistent.

The Expectation: They not only win the Stanley Cup, but do so in such dominating fashion that Gary Bettman strips all champions from 2000 on and retroactively awards them the Cup in those years as well (Take this one to the bank).

San Jose Sharks -

The Good: Have made the necessary preparations to face the defending cup champs in the finals by acquiring the only goaltender to never lose to the Atlanta Thrashers.

The Bad: Let's face it, Joe Thornton still chokes more than George Bush on a pretzel. If it weren't for Pavelski last season they wouldn't have even received a reprieve of "losing to the better team" and not actually tanking as usual.

The Expectation: That Dan Boyle at least triples his amount of game winning overtime goals this season.

Phoenix Coyotes -

The Good: They have skill and talent despite a lack of financial backing.

The Bad: Dead snakes on the ice will lead them to become endangered after the large quantity of goals Lee Stempniak is going to score since he is no longer coached by Ron Wilson.

The Expectation: The only bookie that is willing to give betable odds on the Coyotes staying in Phoenix is ironically Rick Tocchet

Los Angeles Kings -

The Good: Did not overpay to get Ilya Kovalchuk on their team, thus salvaging big contracts for all their young great players who are about to be RFAs.

The Bad: The Blackhawks vanquished half their team for a Stanley Cup, why wouldn't the Kings decide to do the same?

The Expectation: They bring back Kerry Fraiser for all playoff games in hopes that Bettman paid him to get them to the finals again.

Anaheim Ducks -

The Good: Bobby Ryan is expected to sign a new contract...eventually...before his playing career is over. (Ed Note: Thanks for ruining the joke asshole. Now the good news is the team can turn to their second biggest distraction: George Parros' mustache)

The Bad: Couldn't bring in Paul Kariya due to post-concussion syndrome. On a related note, retroactively tried to sue Scott Stevens.

The Expectation: Without the defensive play of Scott Niedermeyer, Jonas Hiller will wish he was the one traded to Toronto.

Detroit Red Wings -

The Good: They got Modano from the Stars who loves new teammate Ruslan Salei just slightly less than a root canal.

The Bad: That if they reach the finals, I will likely have to cheer for them just because I'd like Modano to go out on a high note.

The Expectation: I'm not going to say they suck, because that's old news. Instead, I'm going to say that they enjoy putting objects of the male anatomy in their mouths and forming a suction on said object until they receive a contribution of sorts for their efforts.

Colorado Avalanche -

The Good: Anytime I make an Avs joke in this blog, not only will I get hassled from college friends in Denver, but Jaye will dedicate an entire blog post to bashing me.

The Bad: Rumors of The Border's demise, the local underage Denver college bar that Paul Stastny and David Jones are quite familiar with, were exaggerated, thus leading to Jones once again faking an injury in order to have more reasons to hook up with drunk DU girls.

The Expectation: That they finally realize the expectations of last season and miss out horrifically on the playoffs. Thank God.

Vancouver Canucks -

The Good: Ryan Kesler will surely overcome the NHL 11 cover jinx. I mean, he's already made it through the preseason without killing someone.

The Bad: The Sedins are twins, not triplets, nor do they have a quadruplet that plays goal.

The Expectation: They transfer the "C" to Shane O'Brien this season, because he is after all the role model of Consistency, Courage, and Cdouchebaggery.

Calgary Flames -

The Good: Darryl Sutter has lost his mind, thus placing absolutely zero expectations for this season.

The Bad: In the spirit of giving former Flames another shot (ba-zing!) this year╒s starting goaltender is Dany Sabourin, who had a PERFECT win percentage with his first stint with the club. Sadly, it was perfect for the other team

The Expectation: I fully expect the prize of a fan intermission game at a Flames game to be the first line center job for the rest of the season.

Minnesota Wild -

The Good: Supposedly Miko Koivu is 100% this year after 2 surgeries and is set to put up some huge contract-justifying numbers.

The Bad: Did anyone else even know he was hurt last season?

The Expectation: Chuck Fletcher convinces Sutter to trade for Backstrom as he will no doubtably boost their center pivot on the first line.

Edmonton Oilers -

The Good: I have a one-liter bottle of Canadian blended whiskey next to me and I have drank quite a bit of it. The Oilers are from Canada as well. Yes, that's all I got.

The Bad: Realizing he's stuck for at least a few years in Edmonton with no chance of a trade, Taylor Hall attempts to blow up the Rexall Place...with the entire team sans himself inside of it.

The Expectation: Shawn Horcoff finally fulfills his expectations by sucking like we all know he will.

St. Louis Blues -

The Good: They signed former Montreal standout goaltender Jaroslav Halak after an amazing end to the season.

The Bad: Dave Tallon called and reminded them that they signed a former Montreal standout goaltender who had an amazing end to the season.

The Expectation: The young guys were all very nice in having their sophomore slump the same year, thus making the Blues my repeat darkhorse Western Conference Stanley Cup pick.

Columbus Blue Jackets -

The Good: Rick Nash scores a goal or two.

The Bad: Steve Mason lets in a goal or eight.

The Expectation: Since no one wants to watch the Lebron-less Cavs anymore, it should be easy to boost the Nielson ratings from a 0.2 to a 0.3.

Nashville Predators -

The Good: They somehow manage to stay competitive in the NHL, despite being an AHL team at best.

The Bad: Pekka Rinne has 1 year left on his deal after this year, which almost guarantees the cycle of backup goaltenders outplaying and winning the starting job will continue.

The Expectation: Ryan Parent turns into a stellar player after returning to the club that drafted him (I can't say anything negative about a guy that shares a birthday with me).

Chicago Blackhawks -

The Good: Well...they're under the salary cap, so that counts for something, right?

The Bad: Turco now has to face the Red Wings, who are statistically his biggest pain in the ass, a total of eight times this regular season. At least, that╒s assuming he doesn't get benched.

The Expectation: The Stanley Cup winning streak is going to start 2/2 for Marian Hossa who fully expects that the team he screwed over financially will win every year he is there.

The NHL as a whole -

The Good: It's almost here so that we can stop watching horrifically boring baseball.

The Bad: The governing bodies have started much too early this year in their attempt to randomly add new rules and restrictions that will help keep teams on a level playing field. Most notably the new rule that requires all players to make weight in order to join an NHL team

The Expectation: Gary Bettman's body explodes from the orgasm he ends up having during the Winter Classic game between Crosby and Ovechkin.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and love notes, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?

NHL 2010-11 Eastern Conference Season Preview

2010-09-20T12:06:00.000-05:00

Apparently I’m doing this whole boozing/cruising thing wrong as I’m not only not hungover, but up money at the casino (Ed Note: I guess it was a mistake to put that in writing so soon…whoops), AND up early before everyone else to the point that y’all get a season preview. So coming all the way from the middle of the ocean, here we go with the Eastern Conference:

New Jersey Devils –

The Good: They not only got Ilya signed to the type of deal that suited them financially, but successful screwed over the rest of the NHL GMs by getting cap circumvention fixed.

The Bad: Not enough money leftover for the nightly Martin Brodeur pie buffet.

The Expectation: They just got fined two Dan Ellis’ and some draft picks, yet I still expect Bill Daly to have both of Kovalchuk’s knees broken in what looks like an accident. Take that Lou.

Pittsburgh Penguins –

The Good: The Pens brought in Mike Comrie in hopes of getting Hillary Duff to sing the National Anthem during all home games.

The Bad: Now that Comrie only makes $500K, Hilary is going to ask for a divorce.

The Expectation: Pierre McGuire finally molests Crosby live on NBC and the world rejoices for him.

Washington Capitals –

The Good: The regular season is totally NOT the playoffs.

The Bad: Mike Green still hasn’t been told that just because you have a positive plus/minus rating due to outscoring your opponents, it doesn’t actually count as playing defense.

The Expectation: Ovechkin is on a breakaway to score the game winning goal in the Stanley Cup Finals, when out of nowhere Jagr skates on the ice and cross checks him as revenge.

Tampa Bay Lightning –

The Good: Dan Ellis will have an extra 2.5 hours twice to three times a week to balance his checkbook and work on his finances since he’ll be sitting on the bench (Ed Note: since apparently Dan Ellis jokes are old now, my new "The Good" is that at least one of the Lightning Girls happens to be single, which is great since who wouldn't want to date a hockey blogger?...I said it was good, I didn't say for how many people).

The Bad: In 2005-06 when the Iowa Stars had Smith and Ellis as their goaltenders they barely squeaked into the playoffs and lost in the 1st round.

The Expectation: The Philadelphia Flyers Jr, end up making the playoffs and the Seen Stamkos crap finally pays off as he walks off with two pieces of hardware.

Florida Panthers –

The Good: No longer have to worry about severe head injuries or huge heel turn own goals thanks to the loss of Keith Ballard.

The Bad: Pretty much everything else.

The Expectation: Easily destroy everyone in the regular season, dominate in the playoffs, and walk away with the NBA Championship. Oh crap, the Panthers? Not the Heat? Well in that case Tomas Vokoun is going to get peppered with shots. Many of them. Lots are going to go in too.

Carolina Hurricanes –

The Good: One Staal away from 3-of-a-kind, which is a pretty damn good poker hand.

The Bad: Little known fact that Ron Brind’amor is now in charge of the team’s reconstructive facial surgery visual department.

The Expectation: Will try to recruit Kevin Weekes back from the NHL Network and Hockey Night in Canada.

New York Rangers –

The Good: Glen Sather overspent on only one free agent this summer.

The Bad: Not sure if I’ve ever seen someone get signed for $1.625 million a year that hasn’t scored a goal since January 7^th…2006.

The Expectation: The only way this team wins a game is if Lundqvuist not only makes saves, but is also scoring goals. Good thing he has a twin that isn’t exactly signed to the NHL.

New York Islanders –

The Good: Four top 12 picks in the last 3 years that should start producing even more this season.

The Bad: Apparently that whole Sumo wrestler as a goaltender thing failed to work, not because they were slow and fat, but because they kept eating all of DiPietro’s new ACL’s over rice for breakfast.

The Expectation: Charles Wang names Dwayne Roloson the new team president because he is after all a better goaltender than Snow.

Buffalo Sabres –

The Good: Assuming it’s under the table deals involving 6-7 figures per player, Darcy Regier is obviously making a killing from his “drafting and developing talent, then letting them go to another team via free agency” plan.

The Bad: Even the Sabres won’t find out what their new jerseys look like until EA Sports gives them the jersey activation code. (Ed Note: Apparently they found out while I was gone, guess that means the new worst aspect is that while Dominik Hasek is being forced to pay to fix the damage caused to the championship cup, it isn’t the Stanley Cup)

The Expectation: Ryan Miller finally gets recognized as being a top end keeper in the NHL…Unfortunately, it’s just by some guy named Billy who clicked the wrong button on his Yahoo! Keeper league.

Atlanta Thrashers –

The Good: Don Waddell is no longer making the stellar trades that have built the Thrashers empire into what it is today.

The Bad: Don Waddell is now making even more important decisions for the Thrashers club leading me to believe he will make the Phoenix Coyotes debacle look easier than a Thrashers goaltender groin pull.

The Expectation: Gary Bettman will use Atlanta as a model of how relocating teams from the North to Southern US markets is a better idea than moving a team to Canada.

Ottawa Senators –

The Good: Negotiated a $5.5 million dollar deal per season in 14 minutes.

The Bad: Carrier Underwood Fisher is not enough for me to care about this team.

The Expectation: Pascal LeClaire will continue to under perform and Brian Elliott will continue to over perform. The result? Senator fans will be pissed at Jason Spezza.

Toronto Maple Leafs –

The Good: Can look forward to another excellent high draft pick.

The Bad: Brian Burke still has yet to find a way to get said pick back from the Bruins.

The Expectation: If the Leafs make the playoffs, Burkes McGurkes will hire Eric Cartman to repaint the inside of the Boston Garden to add insult to injury.

Montreal Canadiens –

The Good: The only way you could have a more definitive starting goaltender is if the backup was Vesa Toskala.

The Bad: After years of car burning, only 5 vehicles are still left on the road. Better chose your celebrations wisely.

The Expectation: That the Tomas Plekanec of 2011 is worth every penny of his new extension and not the Plekanec of, well pretty much any other year.

Philadelphia Flyers –

The Good: Chris Pronger didn’t get suspended for a single blatant elbow in the regular season or playoffs in 2009/10. You read that correctly!

The Bad: For the 11th year in a row they’ve opted to use the non-traditional 3 forwards defenders and 3 defenders approach.

The Expectation: Unless Jesus takes over at starting goaltender they don’t have a chance.

Boston Bruins –

The Good: Former Vezina winning goaltender Tim Thomas still has one year left on his contract.

The Bad: Peter Chiarello recently had a special “reserved for Timmy” name plate mounted to the end of the bench.

The Expectation: Will try to best last year’s season by winning a playoff series and then inexplicably forfeiting to let the team they beat move on to the next round.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and observations of what other jokes are outdated, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?

The NHL is Going Sammich

2010-09-11T01:44:00.001-05:00

For those that don't know, aside from hockey, a huge passion of mine is food. So I was beyond thrilled to hear that the NHL was getting into the sandwich business. Well...it isn't, but if it did I'm pretty sure the menu would look something similar to this:

Sammiches
The Alexander Daigle - Porchetta, aged provolone, and a balsamic drizzle on baguette. Easily the best sandwich you will ever taste. Really. We're not joking at all. For realsies people!
The Wayne Gretzky - Just kidding, the best sandwich ever is really this one.
The Sidney Crosby - Salami, cappicola, mortadella, swiss cheese, lettuce, and tomato served on toasted brioche topped with an olive tapanade. Comes with a complimentary glass of whine.
The Ilya Kovalchuk - Peanut butter and jelly on white bread. Caution: may contain broken glass.
The Mike Sillinger - This particular sandwich changes on a bi-monthly basis.
The Thrasher - Not quite sure what is in it, but it tastes eerily like our #1 sandwich that we served last year.
The Dan Ellis - Packed full of baloney on Walmart brand bread, this sandwich is sure to make you want to have an 18% refund.
The Jiri Fischer - Thick slabs of prime rib slathered in au jus, topped with bacon, and then deep fried. Caution: May cause heart failure.
The Wendel Clark - Just a healthy dose of knuckles.
The Kyle Wellwood - Chicken tenders, mozzarella sticks, fried jalapenos, bacon, sausage, french fries, onion rings, deep fried oreos, rocky mountain oysters, and an entire McDonald's Big Mac stuffed between 2 delicious glazed donuts.

The closest I can even come to estimating what the Wellwood looks like. (courtesy: I bet you won't)

The Gary Bettman - Turkey, lettuce, tomato, and mayo on your choice of bread. The number one sandwich of NBA supporters since February of 1993!
The Jaromir Jagr - Schnitzel with lettuce, sauteed onions, and a roasted red pepper spread. What self respecting sandwich shop would have no Jagr?
The Steve Moore - Just Vegetables.
The Montreal Canadien - Marinated moose skirt steak served accompanied by a delicious pesto on sourdough bread. If you can finish the entire thing in 60 minutes, you receive a complimentary flaming shot.
The Mike Modano - A delicious collaboration of perfectly charred steak, avocado, yellow tomato, and horseradish mayo on an old stale red and white striped roll. We then have Tom Hicks personally serve it to you, but only after taking a nice big dump directly on top of it.

Upgrades (for a nominal fee):
Sean Avery it - Order any sandwich and get the half eaten leftovers from a previous day.
Bob Probert it - Add fresh jalapenos and habeneros, then a healthy dose of hot sauce to any sandwich. You ass wishes it never went near this upgrade.
Alexi Yashin it - Pay extra to enjoy the privilege of eating your NHL sandwich at another restaurant.
Martin St. Louis it - Enjoy any sandwich we offer, but at half the size.
Jeremy Roenick it - Take any sandwich we offer, and blend it into a fabulous smoothie. Very easy to swallow.
Glen Sather it - Enjoy a fabulous NHL sandwich with no changes to it, but now at double the retail price.
Kris Draper it - Pile on the ground meat and marinara sauce. Comes with a complimentary plastic surgery evaluation.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and picture of what you think the Wellwood would look like, or just stalk me on Twitter , because what better things do you have to do while at work?

Other NHL Freak Accidents

2010-09-09T12:44:00.002-05:00

Sure some might think Dan Ellis' Twitter meltdown and eventual departure is yesterday's big news, but I'm not one of those people. I mean if you were really gonna shut down your twitter wouldn't you delete it instead of just saying goodbye? Ya... Anyway, the big news of the day to me was that Minnesota Wild center James Sheppard broke his kneecap while riding an ATV and is out for 4 months. Sure you've never heard of the guy, and to be honest, until today, neither had I! So why is this big news? Just think of all the bizarre accidental injuries that have happened in the NHL world. There was the time Joe Sakic broke 3 fingers and injured tendons using a snow blower. There was the Dan Boyle incident where he sliced a tendon in his wrist hanging up his skates. And who can forget the time that Brian Burke had Jeff Finger's right arm broken so he could become a left-handed shot? Ok, so maybe that last one never actually happened. I've done some research today and have found some other freak accidents that occurred to NHL players:

- When he was much younger Carey Price was hit in the head when someone dropped a paint can off the side of a building. This would likely explain why a guy with a sub .500 record thought he could hold out on signing a contract in order to make three or four times the amount that Dan Ellis does.

- Not necessarily an accident, but Derek Boogaard underwent a procedure in his early teens that infused his bones with gold leaf similar to that of Wolverine and adamantium. This is obviously the only explanation as to why someone who has the hockey talent of a gerbil is able to earn $1.625 million this season.

- During a millennium New Year Eve party Colton Orr had his right hand shattered when a glass punch bowl slipped and fell on it when he was trying to chug the last of it to show up some friends. It was so severe that he had a steel plate put into it. You can find the serial number of said plate implanted into Matt Carkner's face.

- Little known fact, that unlike Sami Salo who had a bit of an uncomfortable time during the playoffs, Vesa Toskala had both testicles removed in an odd and bizarre Finnish ritual. Sadly, something went terribly awry during said ritual as some of the fire that was used to cauterize the skin burnt burnt his retinas. The combination of the two has led to an abnormally larger 5-hole and a lack of ability to stop anything, and I mean anything, sent his way.

- In 2010 Darryl Sutter had a $5 off coupon for a pet rock. He instead accidentally applied it to Ian White's new contract.

- During 2005, deciding that despite being a pro-athlete, he needed to get gastric bypass surgery to keep his lean figure, Kyle Wellwood was going to be the model of NHL fitness. Unfortunately, something went terribly wrong, and instead of tying off part of his stomach, the doctor somehow added more capacity to it, enabling Wellwood to consume entire pizza buffets in one sitting before ever feeling full.

- After the 2001-02 season a CVS Pharmacy cashier accidentally put real vitamins in the bag of Martin St Louis instead of the Flintstones ones he had purchased. The actual nutrients in those vitamins enabled him to be good at hockey.

- Dave Tallon had some accidents in 2009 regarding FedEx-ing qualifying offers, but in the summer of 2008 he accidentally signed Cristobal Huet and Brian Campbell to hefty contracts assuming they would actually play to expectations. Thankfully for Blackhawk fans, he can't make those kinds of mistakes again.

- The real reason for the Dustin Byfuglien trade to Atlanta wasn't to get rid of his salary, but instead was a result yet another freak accident where Dustin bit off a portion of his own tongue trying to correctly pronounce and spell his name to the cup engraver for the 2,174th time. Stan Bowman doesn't like players with only half a tongue.

- When Taylor Hall grew up he had the unfortunate accident of being much better at hockey than all of his peers even going so far as becoming the first player to ever be awarded 2 Stafford Smythe Memorial Trophys. Sadly this amazing abundance of talent landed him in Edmonton. I'm sure that's Wyshysnki's fault though.

- In the summer of 2009, newly hired GM Joe Nieuwendyk took the entire Dallas defense to Texas Motor Speedway for team building and give them a preview of his expectations for the upcoming season. His goal was for them to play as fast as they could and give it their all, for the eventual "victory lap" with the Stanley Cup. Sadly, the players instead keyed in on what an excellent job the traffic cones did at staying stationary.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and favorite Chinese takeout number for me, or just stalk me on Twitter (not like ex-girlfriend stalk me though), because what better things do you have to do while at work?

The Cheechoo Train

2010-09-06T12:58:00.001-05:00

Let the record show I've never liked Jonathan Cheechoo. Ever. Ok, that's not true. For a brief millisecond his between the legs goal versus Colorado made me believe that maybe he wasn't just the luckiest person in the world, but actually did have some talent. I always laughed at the person who drafted him any year after his 56 goal miracle season. Last year, sadly, that person was me. I figured with the trade to Ottawa and a desperate need for goal scoring on my fantasy team, that I could take a 17th round chance on the guy. For those unclear on how that story ends, he lasted less than 2 weeks on my team, and I finished 5th overall in goal scoring.

You'll imagine my surprise, and horror, when I read on TSN, that the Dallas Stars had extended an offer for Mr. Cheechoo to attend their training camp. I was even more horrified, no, worse...mortified, when I was checking Yahoo! for this post and stumbled across this:

Dear Yahoo!, please don't give me unnecessary heart palpitations. It's just an invite, not a contract. (source: Yahoo!)

No offense to Mr. Cheechoo, but I pray this is some kind of sick joke by Nieuwendyk to bring him in and show the rest of the team what a flash in the pan looks like. I mean sure the Stars got first hand looks at Patrik Stefan (thank you for a moment none of us will ever forget), Valeri Kamensky, Ladislav Nagy, Janne Niinimaa (oh God, make the pain go away), Junior Lessard (former Hobey Baker winner for the NCAA followers), and Valeri Bure (definitely not Pavel) among others, but remember that most of this team is really young, so they've yet to see a massive full blown poster child of an NHL failure on their team.

To make matters worse, I actually see the team extending a contract to the guy for something more than the league minimum. Sorry, but if Mike Comrie is playing for $500K, then Cheechoo should pay us to let him on the team. I also don't see how he would fit on this team. Or where for that matter. The only reason he played well at all was because he had some guy named Joe Thornton passing him the puck (I think that's right, I've never seen that name come playoff time). I'm sure Brad Richards could ~~help~~ force Cheechoo to break Gretzky's single season record of 92 goals, but why on earth would you take Neal and Eriksson off his wings to take a risk like that. The top 6 is set barring some ridiculous play from some players or major injuries.

All this being said, I see Joe being a dumb ass and offering some insane incentive laden contract that could make him in the $1 to 1.5 million range. Which leaves me with one final question. Why couldn't they afford a hometown discount contract for Modano again?

Stars Goaltending: A New Hope

2010-09-04T03:17:00.002-05:00

First off, I am completely saddened that I did not receive one haiku from my last post. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Just for that, I'm going to keep the copy of NHL 11 I was going to purchase instead of offering it as a giveaway.*

Down to business. Thanks to some amazing super secret REAL footage from Andrew's Dallas Stars Page (which oddly now re-directs to ESPN Dallas...), we have established who will be contending for the starting job with Kari Lehtonen. As you may or may not have known, Andrew Raycroft's contract is actually a two-way deal for the first year. Since Dallas is broke as a joke, it's a nice way of saying "Enjoy leading the Texas Stars back to the AHL championship." Now I know anyone that is familiar with the organization immediately assumes that Brent Krahn is automatically in line to challenge Kari, but oh no. Think harder. Think outside the box. It's obvious Marc Crawford's style doesn't mesh well with a particular player on the team, and it's obvious Crawford tried everything in his power to find a way to work this gentleman into different situations during games, but it just wasn't working. There were even heavy rumors that this guy was going to be traded, but no one wants a guy that just had a miserable season. So ladies and gentlemen, without further ado I present the new potential #1 goaltender for the Dallas Stars, offensive wizard, Mike "Chipmunk" Ribeiro (Hey, it honestly can't get much worse):

In closing:

Dear ESPN,

Please do not sue my ass off. I am making no money off your video and happily gave you all the credit in the world. If you want it gone just let me know and it's down. If on the contrary you'd like to reward the extra 8 page hits you're getting from this blog, then I will happily accept season tickets in the North Plaza. If you want to throw in a couple beers that would be swell as it's probably the only way I'll be able to sit through an entire game if this really is the future of our goaltending.

*Not really true. It was never going any further from my couch than the Xbox 360, but hey, at least you felt like for a moment that this was a really generous blog.

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mail, and social security numbers for me, or just stalk me on Twitter, because what better things do you have to do while at work?

NHL Dual Sport Athletes

2010-09-02T03:04:00.002-05:00

I got to thinking today about some great athletes in my lifetime such as Deion Sanders and Bo Jackson and how they were able to not only dominate in their own sport, but also in secondary professional sports. I then realized you never see this happen with hockey players. Sure we had Manute Bol try his hand at the CHL for a day to raise charity, but he never even hit the ice during the game. The closest we've ever come is Tom Glavine being drafted to the Kings (before Luc Robitaille I might add), but he chose baseball over hockey. Here's a glimpse at some other players who can use their talents to excel in other sports (For the record, if you don't usually click my hyperlinks, I suggest you start doing so, that's half the fun in all my posts):

NBA - With a flair for physicality and elbows Chris Pronger (6' 6") is merely a whiter less skilled version of the NBA's Ron Artest (6' 7")...wait, Artest?...Pronger is merely a whiter version of the NBA's Ron Artest.

International Soccer - Aside from his departure from the NHL causing mad pandemonium among NHL execs and massive cheering from NHL fans, Crosby would find himself among his peers since he would fit in perfectly with the Italian divers, er, soccer players. One thing's for sure, he's gonna need a bigger dryer. Sid-ney-ole-ole-Sid-ney.

Poker - Sure anyone could do it, but after years of getting broken, battered, and bruised he has quite possibly the best poker face I've ever seen. I present to you Stephane Robidas.

When his nose bulges to the left he's bluffing...or is he?

Baseball - While his catching might need some improvement, his knack for swinging for the fences would enable Keith Ballard to become the next great baseball legend.

MMA - A very tough category as there are obviously many great enforcers in the NHL. However, I feel strongly that one player stands above the rest for his innovative style that is necessary to survive in the world of mixed martial arts:

NASCAR - With an affinity and track record for changing tires, Brooks Laich make an amazing addition to any Pit Crew. Speaking of which, I wonder if Dany Heatley needs a crew. I hear he's an amazing driver. In related news, the NHL should ship Doc Emrick to be a commentator (give it a second, that joke/link will sink in).

IFOCE - Move over Joey Chestnut, with a great hunger and an unfilled desire and yearning to be the biggest, Kyle Wellwood would take the International Federation of Competitive Eating by storm.

Westminster Dog Show - Ok, so maybe it isn't classified as a professional sport, but how is Mike Ricci not a slam dunk for this?

Hide the poodles in heat, that is one good looking ~~pug~~ mug.

PBR (Professional Bull Riders) - You have to think that anyone that can take that much punishment to their face from Colton Orr has to have suffered enough brain damage to sit down on a pissed off bull.

PBA (Professional Bowlers Association) - It took some hard thought for this one, but finally I narrowed it down to the Montreal Canadien forwards. Who else would be able to provide the perfect number and size to field all 10 bowling pins?

Horse Racing Jockey - Ooooo, now that all the Canadiens forwards are busy getting pelted by big burly men's balls, who is left to ride ponies? Why none other that the NHL's resident midget Martin St. Louis.

Pro Wrestling - Let's be honest, half of the big stars in wrestling can't wrestle at all. The biggest key to success is being able to get over with the fans via your mic skills. Sound like someone we know? I think so!

Fear wrestling's newest character, the Copy Editor

Football - Ever since Jimmy Johnson retired and was relegated to Fox NFL Sunday, something is missing during football games. Not the amazing play calling or back-to-back super bowl champions, but rather watching someone get doused with Gatorade and seeing a nicely sculpted head of hair look...well, look as pristine and untouched as ever. This is why I don't care about retirement, someone needs to find a way for Kerry Fraser to get a job in the NFL.

Fencing - To be good at a sport like fencing, you need gifted hands, loads of talent, and a "no fear" attitude of getting cut by a blade. Richard Zednik, come on down!

Billiards - With spearing penalties like this, Rob Blake is a natural at hitting balls with long sticks.

Golf - If you are a member of the Dallas Stars, you better be raising your hands on this one.

Hockey - Finally, it would seem there are some people ready to make that next step towards becoming professional athletes. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2010-2011 Edmonton Oilers!

As always, feel free to leave your comments, hate mails, and haikus for me, or just stalk me on Twitter, because what better things do you have to do while at work?

Mt. Puckmore Revisited

2010-08-29T16:47:00.000-05:00

First and foremost, it's time to get serious. I've owned my house for 2 years and have never sat at my office desk any longer than it has taken me to file away bills or print out pictures of cats with poor grammar attached to them, so you know if I'm writing this post from said aforementioned desk, that this is serious business and isn't going to be a post with millions of Wellwood is fat (He didn't play for the Stars, so it can't be) or Martin Skoula has the defensive prowess of a Tic-Tac jokes (Whoops, forgot about 2005-06...good thing I was able to obtain this video of a Montreal forward going up against Martin Skoula 1-on-1. If you look closely you'll see a special rare appearance by Niko Kapanen by the blue line). Nope, I'm here to respond to The Dallas Morning News' Mike Heika who was privileged enough to write the Dallas Stars Mt. Puckmore for Yahoo!'s Puck Daddy Blog.

First off let's tackle Mr. Heika's four faces: Modano, Gainey, Belfour, and Lehtinen. Modano was obviously a lock. He had to be. You do not leave out the "Face of the Franchise" when it comes to Puckmore. It's stupid. It would be like not calling a penalty on a blatant violation of the rules.

In Gainey, I honestly feel ashamed that I didn't even think of him when I compiled my own list of four candidates. He truly coached the team well and built the foundation for the great years of playoff success we had. The day he left the organization was a sad day for me since I did not really trust Doug Armstrong with the keys to the Stars organization.

I can't really get upset with either the Belfour or Lehtinen picks. Both have the support that they should in terms of being eligible. Lehtinen deserves it for his accomplishments (6 Selke nominations, 3 wins in addition to leading the team in goals 2 years in a row among other stats) in addition to being a Star for life. As for Eddie...well, I still can't shake my memory of him being Billionaire Belfour.

This all leads me to my own nominations for Mt. Puckmore. The ones that should have made it because they are so important to the deciding criteria of "four people...who you remember most when you think of these teams -- whether they be players, coaches or executives."

Sadly not even close to the strangest thing put in there (source: Cornell)

Joe Nieuwenmynameisreallyhardtospelldyk

I know a lot of people probably disagree that he is someone that is remembered the most, but he deserves to be here for other reasons than being the #2 center for the Stars. Gainey traded a guy that one day might crack an NHL lineup for Joe. Aside from being ballsy, it suddenly added a legitimate punctuation mark to the Stars team in terms of how serious a Southern market was willing to be in hopes of winning a Stanley Cup. Suddenly more and more free agents were willing to look at Dallas as a viable destination. Keep in mind he notched six game winning goals and won the Conn Smythe in 1999. As for today...well, he's still well known. Mainly as someone that can't seem to put together a winning team at all. He's also the guy that had to make the announcement that Modano would not be offered a contract. Tough break, but it does mean memories.

Sir, you appear to have a squirrel tail coming out of your nose.

Jaromir "Puff Nuts" Jagr

Because what self respecting blogger wouldn't include Jagr in their Mt. Puckmore? When you look at the stats it further shows how amazing he was. Since the 2000-01 season, when playing with Stars players he was literally a point a game player (9 games, 4 goals, 5 assists). Not even Mike Modano has that distinction. What's that? Jagr never put on a Stars uniform? Get the F out of here! Oh well.

Only thing it's missing is a Liverpool banner (source: Dallas Sports Fans)

Thomas O. Hicks

Yes, I hate the man. Nay, I despite the man. I've had to endure him and his family long before he owned the Stars, and will likely have to do the same long after he has sold them. One thing needs to be made perfectly clear though, he has done excellent things in taking this team where was a few years ago. He has done some horrible things to the team to turn it into what it is today. His finances are the reasons for our success and failures. He was able to turn an $84 million team with virtually no future being in a southern market, into a team worth $246 million at the end of 2009. Like him or hate him, he truly has defined the Stars for better or worse.

I see nothing wrong with this picture (source: The Star)

Brett Hull's Left Foot

Like you didn't see this coming. Brett Hull's left foot is easily the most famous and recognizable...player?...executive?...hmm...ok, so it doesn't fit the exact word-for-word criteria for Mt. Puckmore, but you can't tell me you don't think of this moment when you think of the Dallas Stars. If you disagree, then I encourage you to go to any hockey city in the US, for example's sake let's pick one completely at random like Buffalo, and ask the first 10 people you see walking down the street the first thing that comes into their head when they hear the words "Dallas Stars." After you eliminate the one person that breaks down and cries, the two people that curse at you, and Scott Norwood exclaiming "Thank God!" you are left with six people who are obviously going to say Brett Hull's left foot. It's proven fact, just look it up.

Please remember there is a lovely comment section you can take full advantage of and leave your scathing remarks for me to read, or you can harass me on twitter. It's all up to you.

Fantasy Hockey Drafting Tips

2010-08-24T15:26:00.002-05:00

With fantasy football drafts starting to kick into high gear, that means hockey season is approaching and it never hurts to start developing a good draft strategy. I for one keep a notepad on me at work and on the last page I keep a running list of sleepers and players I'd really like. Our friends over at Blades of Funny have already weighed in on their tips on what you should do, well now it's time for the perennial master of drafting a second place team to give you his top fantasy hockey drafting tips and reminders:

- Remember that goaltenders are extremely valuable since they compile a majority of the key statistics that you'll need to be successful. This is why you should draft a goalie in the first 4 rounds just to make sure you are set. In round 5 you can begin focusing on these supposed superstars like Crosby and Ovechkin.

- When in fear that an opposing player might steal your aforementioned goaltender pick, gently remind them that Evgeni Nabokov, Andrew Raycroft, and Steve Mason all won the Calder Trophy as rookie goaltenders. If that doesn’t work, add that Jose Theodore and Tim Thomas both won Vezina Trophies. Should be smooth sailing from here on out.

- Despite "Goals" being a scoring category, Vesa Toskala does not actually count towards it.

Pretty sure Vesa wishes he were on any team, including your fantasy team

- Always be aware of when players have retired, remain unsigned, or sign with a worthless team overseas. Respective examples: Scott Niedermayer, Ilya Kovalchuk, and Taylor Hall.

- Team chemistry is important even in fantasy hockey. You can rack up serious points if you are able to draft multiple line mates from a killer line such as getting a Thornton/Heatley, Stamkos/St Louis, or Ovechkin/Backstrom duo. This being said, it might not be wise to draft Scott Hartnell and Jeff Carter, particularly if Lauren Pronger is chirping in their ears.

- Keeping track of how many people you have at each position is extremely important, as most leagues will not allow you to interchange right and left wingers. Some people, such as myself, opt for a strategy of drafting one less defenseman than allowed in exchange for carrying an extra forward on the bench. However, under no circumstances carry 8 D-men. That’s just absurd.

- Remember that whenever someone drafts Martin Brodeur or Kyle Wellwood, they are entitled to a free pie.

SAT analogy question - Spinach is to Popeye as Pies are to ___________ (Hint: Look up)

- Note that just because you draft Patrick Kane or Shane O’Brien, slutty, barely legal girls are not going to bust through the door, bring you alcoholic beverages, sit on your lap, and discuss the first thing that comes up.

- Drafting a good team is a balancing act. Power forwards, for example, will put up both points and PIMS, and thus are a great way to cover multiple categories at once. Keeping this in mind, avoid all Dallas defensemen, as heavy “minus” and high “short handed goals against” totals do not help you win leagues.

- When in need of plus/minus help it is always wise to choose players from a defensive minded team such as the New Jersey Devils. If these players are all gone, just pick the guy that stands on the ice while Ovechkin scores all his even strength goals.

- Finally, in order to level the drafting field and make things more interesting, whenever a Montreal Canadian player is selected, all opposing team owners must do car bombs.

EA NHL games and the NHL 11 demo

2010-08-22T02:53:00.003-05:00

So last Tuesday, the new NHL 11 demo hit the Xbox Live Marketplace. The first thing you should know is that I quickly discovered that I suck at NHL 11.

Just like anyone from Buffalo, I too am a loser when it comes to important games

Some quick background on my EA playing career. The last game I truly enjoyed was NHL 2004. I played it religiously in college. Most of my fraternity brothers were Madden and FIFA fans, but I was one of the few that loved hockey in the house. I still remember nights with one of my fraternity brothers Alan, where we would come home from the bars/house parties/dorms and we're play a rousing game of drunken NHL. Regardless of my state of inebriation, I'd always win. I remember a particular 2 on 2 game one night where my partner and I were behind by a good 5 or 6 goals going into the third period. We ended up coming back and winning, but we did not end up with a chorus of applause, but rather a series of profanity filled rants and the accusation that we were playing possum the entire time and just wanted to make the opposing team look like idiots (in reality, this is the first time I will admit that this was not the case. My teammate and I literally just sucked it up royally for 2 periods and I think the game was overly generous in return).

I also recall my favorite part of the complete annihilation of Alan's self worth during these games: the elusive white board I had next to my couch that contained a running tally of certain statistics like goals, powerplay goals, short handed goals, and when typical mundane categories like that got old, thing like the BMG, the Black Man Goal. In case you haven't realized, Discard What You Don't Need is not a PC blog, so don't expect it to be. The BMG was a great thing and the NY Rangers with Anson Carter became the go-to team. Much fun was had.

Wait, this man actually won something hockey related?

Fast forward to the innovation of the right analog stick with dekeing, and more importantly, the review of the aforementioned NHL 11 Demo. The days of singing songs and being a complete jackass while literally scoring at will are over. My learning curve is extremely behind those of others. I haven't bought an NHL game since 2008 due to my inability to waiver from the "old ways" of EA games. It took me 4 games to finally score my first goal in NHL 11, and sadly, it was an empty netter since the 3rd period began with me ahead. Not exactly a confidence booster.

As I have played more and more, the game has gotten easier. Much easier to control in terms of passing, defense, and dekeing than I recall. Goals are still harder to come by than I recall from the good old days. The graphics are obviously amazing as can be. The Stanley Cup celebrations complete with city personalized quotes are interesting and impressive. However, from what I've heard, the improvements over NHL 2010 aren't exactly earth shattering. This is why I want to talk about the EAUHL and how impressed I was by it.

We've all heard that EA got officially licensed to use OHL, WHL, and QMJHL teams in their game this year, and quite honestly what they did with it has amazed me so far. The ability to have regular NHL-ers with up and coming stars is quite intriguing. The fact that you can upgrade each of these individuals depending on how old and how much potential they have is also quite interesting. I love the idea of earning EA pucks that can be used as a monetary currency to buy additional cards in the form of upgrades and players. It really seems like a neat system and I look forward to them expanding on it in the full version. That being said, EA needs to fix the glitch that allows you to upgrade anyone that plays defense for the Dallas Stars. Obviously this is fantasy and not something that actually happens in the NHL.

That's all the good. The great even. I think I could probably play NHL 11 for an entire year and not get bored of it thanks to the dynasty mode in addition to XBL and the ultimate hockey league. However, with the good, we must all have bad. Sticks seem to break too often. They snap like Kurtis Foster's leg going for an iced puck. It's ridiculous. I seriously see a good 2-3 per game and that doesn't even include how many dropped sticks there are. Now for those achievements whores such as a good friend of mine this is excellent since there are achievements that center around this, but for the hockey dedicated, it just get frustrating at times. Look, I understand they happen, but it gets annoying when I have to skate around two broken ones on the ice just to wear down the D and get a scoring chance.

Who cares if it's the wrong game, Joe's gonna break his stick anyway.

And the Gary Bettman imaging? Hell, I won't even start. They could have scanned in an image of Barney the Dinosaur and it would have had a closer resemblance.

Then there's the fighting engine. Now I love being the crap out of someone, especially if it's an overpaid Ranger whose name rhymes with Poohard. My issue isn't with the fighting system, but rather the instigation system. Anytime I try to fight post whistle by pushing and shoving I end up in the box with a 2 minute minor. The computer on the other hand can do whatever they damn please post whistle and the refs apparently turn into Ray Charles. Sorry, that was an insult to all blind people. I should have gone with the obvious Kerry Fraiser joke instead.

My only other complaint is actually one that is probably not justified. It's harder to destroy someone with a good check nowadays. I'm looking for Scott-Stevens-on-Eric-Lindros type destruction from a body check and it's hard as hell to get that now a days. Sure the addition of an amazing hip check is nice, but it's quite difficult to actually accomplish. Instead it's all about actually getting the puck via a poke check or some other non-violent hockey method like "actually playing defense." Pfft, whatever that is.

My only other issue with the game? Isn't Taylor Hall supposed to be able to score every time you shoot the puck? Just saying.

What a new buyer means to the Stars

2010-08-19T02:00:00.000-05:00

So it would appear that Forbes magazine is reporting that Tom Hicks is closer to a sale than we all thought. What does this mean for Dallas and the Stars team? Let's find out!

To those that are unfamiliar with me, I've led an interesting life. I've actually grown up with some of the Hicks family and ironically know many of the locals that tried to put in bids on the Stars, including Mr. Cuban (who is a freaking giant of a man by the way). On a random site note, I should point out that part of the Modano non-retirement was due to a failed organized bid on the team which included Brett Hull and would have brought Jim Lites back into the fold. I was really hoping that that particular bid had gone through because of a few reasons:
1) It would have brought some amazing local marketing to the equation
2) It would have instilled hometown team pride, similar to Nolan Ryan being part of the Texas Rangers deal
3) I probably could have weaseled myself some type of job within the organization due to connections
4) Buffalo fans could have suffered for many years to come knowing that Mr. Foot-In-The-Crease now owned a hockey team and would enjoy showing that highlight reel clip literally every 8.3 seconds during any Stars/Sabres game.
5) We could afford any free agent as long as they weren't Ilya Kovalchuk.

Now then. When Mr. Hicks sells the team (because really, Liverpool fans love him much more than the local fans since he is a local owner of a hockey team that he helped mold into a great contender and champion and then let melt into a pile of repulsive ooze by creating the first ever co-GMs in the league) there will be much rejoicing in Dallas. I mean, we might be able to afford someone on defense for starters. I hear that Kaberle fellow is still trying to be traded! (wait, a no trade clause? Hell, GMs get players to waive those all the time...)

In all seriousness though, despite being sold before the season starts in October, the Stars aren't going to look much different going into the season. It's sad, but true. All the ownership change means is that the trade deadline becomes somewhat important, and that there is an extreme outside chance that they might try to make a swipe at Niemi. I know what you're thinking, but honestly if a team trades for a franchise goaltender in Lehtonen, and then drafts a potential franchise goaltender in Campbell, why not go out and trade for a decent goaltender in Niemi? The lack of common sense is already present, so why not go for it? In reality it's the best idea anyone has ever thought of. Let's just see someone try and score with Niemi and Raycroft on the blueline with Lehtonen in net. That's 3 goalies on the ice! That's Charles Wang thought right there folks. Next thing you know we'll trade for Jussi Jokinen back and then give our best player to the Islanders for Robbie Schremp so that we might be able to win a shootout in the near future. Albeit, it'll be hard to get to the shootout when you're giving up 4-5 more goals per game than you are scoring, but we'll be a shoe-in if we make it.

So honestly, all I can hope for this season is a top 5 draft pick, that Kovalchuk signs a 1 year deal somewhere so we have a shot at him next season when we have cap room, Joe is able to resign Richards at a less than $6 mil a season extension, that the entire D learns how to play hockey overnight, and Brian Burke really likes one of our players to the tune of 2 1st rounders and a 2nd rounder.

The Future

2010-08-12T15:50:00.001-05:00

If it isn't clear yet, don't expect any award winning titles to be produced here. I'm pretty cut and dry and prefer to stay out of Pun Jail whenever possible. Anyway, last time we touched on the ghosts of hockey past. Today I'd like to delve into the future specifically pinpointing a few players and a few personnel changes in the off-season.

Jamie Benn
I have to start with this kid. I was at opening night last year vs the Predators for Benn's first NHL game. He was one of the starters on the ice and I'll be damned if he didn't fly around the rink with blazing speed checking anyone in sight looking like the ultimate power forward. This was amazing, except for one tiny detail: He's 6' 2" 207 pounds. Not exactly small, but by no means a huge guy. I assessed that if he tried to keep up that particular style of play, the Ice Girls would have been scrapping pieces of him up from the ice by the middle of the second period. Regardless, he was moved off a great line of Ribeiro and Morrow after doing nothing in terms of generating offense for 2, maybe 3 shifts (I might have blinked and Crawford is all about those short shifts)...that didn't take long. I honestly figured this was going to be just another bust of a prospect, but near the end of the season, mostly when playing for the AHL's Texas Stars, he was unstoppable. One of the biggest reasons the Stars made it so far in the playoffs was Benn's goal scoring ability. My hope is he takes was he learned from his first full NHL season and is able to take the next step in the coming year. Lord knows we'll need the offense because the defense is pure crap.

Stars Defense
Speaking of, you can't spell "Disaster" without "Stars D." Look, I love Stephane Robidas. The guy has taken more pucks and sticks to his face than any man should, and he sacrifices his body like no other, but the guy is not a #1 defenseman...except on this team. I'll get to Turco, but you can't really fault the guy for the last 2 seasons. He's virtually had a whole core of guys who played in the league 2 years or less and worst of all, they didn't play because they suddenly were amazing, they played cause there wasn't anyone else available. Plain and simple if these guys don't step it up, stop making bad turnovers, and put forth some hussle and effort, it doesn't matter if we have LOLuongo in front of the net, the other team is going to score.

Lehtonen/Lehtinen
One is a winger who, for the right incentive ladden contract could be quite the bonus to the team if he can stay healthy, the other is a goaltender that makes me go "Why?" In a fantasy world, I had Nabokov and Turco switching sports via free agency. It made perfect sense really, they're both essentially on the same level, the teams in front of them are really the only difference. Well, except for the whole "Dallas can't afford to shop at the $1 store, so how could they give Nabby any sort of a contract he'd want?" thing. I really hope the organization knows what they are doing. I agree that Lehtonen has the potential to become a great NHL goaltender, but didn't Alexander Daigle and Patrik Stefan have the same, if not more, potential to be NHL superstars? Hell, the last time I saw Patrik Stefan he was being reminded how bad he was.

The Draft
This one just makes me angry. You see, when Joe (I know his last name is Nieuwendyk, but you try typing that a good 10 times from here on out and tell me which name you're going to put down) traded for Lehtonen he traded the #1 prospect in the Stars organization. A defensive prospect by the name of Ivan Vishnevskiy. The fact that the organization kept pumping him up as the next Sergei Zubov gave hope to fans that had never actually seen him play. We loved Zubov and the things he did with the puck. The fact that he chain smoked like crazy, only added to the allure that he was such a great athlete. So Joe goes out and trades him for our new goaltender of the future, in the process making every fan wonder what is going on since we know our defense is horrible and they just traded away the best guy we had in the system (in Joe's defense, Ivan couldn't play D for anything, but he was an excellent offensive threat on the blueline). Thankfully as someone pointed out, if Don Waddell saw any promise in Vishnevskiy, then that means Stars fans probably didn't want him. Touche.

Enter the NHL Draft. I snuck away from work when I heard the Stars were getting closer. I kept seeing Cam Fowler and Brandon Gormley drop and drop and drop. How lucky was Dallas about to be getting one of two outstanding defensemen that should have gone in the top 5 with the 11th pick. I was so excited. So happy. Then I saw Joe announce they selected Jack Campbell. Cue the bottle of Crown Royal. Did I miss something? You just traded away your #1 defensive prospect for a goaltender, did you not? Then why did you just draft a goaltender with the 11th overall pick you idiot? I pray that by the time the Stars D can actually help out a goaltender, which should be roughly the time that Jack Campbell applies for social security, that the 65 year old Campbell will have an outstanding NHL career and thus prove me wrong. From here on out the Stars selected D guys like they got them at a half off sale: Patrik Nemeth, Alex Theriau, and John Klingberg, which led me to post a tweet that summed up the 2-day lottery for me:

Turco
For as much as I give the guy a bad rap, he really deserves it. Extremely creative with puck handling and piles up the assists like crazy. Sadly, when you're a goaltender, those are not the first two compliments I want to have in mind when I think of you. "Stops the puck from going into the net" would be my preferred #1 choice and that's why you're now in Chicago.

Modano
I'd comment, but it takes a little longer to recover from such a kick to the nuts as Modano signing with Detroit.

The Real Deal - James Neal
Sure there are a ton of other players I didn't mention, but this one is my favorite. I jumped on the bandwagon when he started 2 season ago and even drafted him in my fantasy league. Thanks for the 24 goals chief. Drafted him again last year and snagged an extra 27 goals for that shrewd move. The guy really is a complete player who gives his all anytime he's on the ice. It doesn't always end up as a point for him, but I feel he really is the next captain in the making for Dallas. Having said all this, I'm shocked that no one has tried to sign him to an offer sheet considering the current Stars financial issues. I won't complain though, and hopefully here's to hitting a minimum of 30 goals this year.

The Past

2010-08-08T19:10:00.000-05:00

I'm going to take you all on a journey. A brief delving into the ghosts of hockey past. In a few days, we'll turn to the optimistic hockey future (optimistic in the sense that Tom Hicks will no longer be the owner and we then have the potential to win a game).

I am about to admit something that only 3 people on this planet know. Which means, in all likelihood, that after appearing in this blog a grand total of 8 people will now know. I began watching hockey when the Stars first moved to Dallas. Not that I had ever paid attention to the game, but because I was cut for the first time from a baseball team and at that exact moment vowed to never enjoy the sport again and immediately searched to replace it with something new. Enter the Dallas Stars.

Throughout the years I have witnessed many highs and lows. I saw a Stanley Cup brought home, and even got to touch and hang out with it thanks to close connections with the Hicks family.

Wide Right? Foot in Crease? I don't care.

I've also seen a bottle of cough medicine derail our goaltender the following season, ousting us from the Stanley Cup Finals, and sending the team into a slow downward spiral only to be momentarily revived by Brad Richards for one glorious post season run.

This brings us to more of less this past year. My beloved DU Pioneers headed into the NCAA tourney as the #2 seed only to be thwarted by a first time team. Oh the days when Paul Stastny, Matt Carle, and Adam Berkhoel were around. Hell, I'd settle for the days when the crazy Czech Lukas Dora was around. Good thing I still had the Stars playoffs to watch a few months later.

Oh wait, I didn't. I forgot that our defense had more holes than swiss cheese. I forgot that Marty Turco looked more like a defenseman than a goaltender. I forgot that for as much as Brad Richards does on offense, that the loomed +/- always comes back and wins in the end. Sure there were bright spots in the season, after all they still served beer at the games. The problem was, I convinced myself that the team was wasn't flat out bad. I knew the truth, but something inside me wouldn't accept it. I defended the team right before the All-Star Break saying they looked amazing and surely we'd make it to the playoffs and then surprise everyone with healthy players. I still hadn't lost hope when they needed a near miracle in the final 2 weeks of the season. But like everyone who didn't support the 2010 Philadelphia Flyers, the hope turned to crushing reality and I got to watch 16 other teams play for the Cup. At times I wanted to punch Marc Crawford in the face for constantly trying to make all of the players fit his system, instead of utilizing the talents he had around him and letting them do what they excelled at (please see Appendix A: Mike Ribeiro's venture into playing at Montreal skill levels). At times I wanted to punch myself in the face for watching such atrocious players on the ice not named Martin Skoula.

Ironically, it was the complete disdain for the failure at tanking the season and getting a high draft pick (tune in for the next post for my delightful response to that) that led me to following others that shared in my pain: Maple Leafs bloggers. After seeing the years of built up torture and anguish, it all became clear to me that blogging is an excellent release. So really, if you hate what I'm doing here, you just need to blame them.

Welcome!

2010-08-08T17:58:00.002-05:00

Obviously if you are reading this, one of three things have happened:
1) You are extremely lost on the internet.
B) You are humoring me like no other and taking this all in before it implodes in a wreck of mangled metal and bones similar to when Dany Heatley drives.
iii) You actually want to read a hockey blog about the Dallas Stars.

So welcome to you kind sir or madam. While I will have an "official" post up tonight, this post is merely serving as an aperitif to what you're going to experience. I am not a writer by any means, but my goal is to take you on my journey as a Stars fan who enjoys mocking not only the 29 other teams, but also has a fine appreciation for self loathing and torment, thus my own as well.

Also, a special thanks to one of the best color commentators I've ever heard in the NHL: Daryl Reaugh. Without his massive vocabulary and ability to come up with some of the most bizarre analogies and phrases I've ever heard of in a hockey game, this blog might be called Down Goes Boulerice. Thankfully, it isn't:

Just know that regardless of how this blog ends up, it truly is a win/win for you the reader. If it turns out to be fabulous, then great, you just got a killer new blog to read out of it. And if it turns into a smoldering trainwreck, at least you got to witness it from start to finish. So welcome aboard, take a seat, buckle up, grab a cocktail, and enjoy the ride.